tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post1979504366243395598..comments2024-03-12T21:24:23.240-04:00Comments on Emily Bryan Romance: Red Pencil Thursday with Eliza KnightEmilyBryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-72344261384761392742010-09-17T07:25:13.921-04:002010-09-17T07:25:13.921-04:00WOW!!! Look at all these great comments! Thank yo...WOW!!! Look at all these great comments! Thank you all so much. I will use your suggestions and tighten this baby up! Thanks for having me Emily!Eliza Knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17209596240914705136noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-63965037558009664012010-09-17T06:13:30.769-04:002010-09-17T06:13:30.769-04:00Loretta--I think of word echoes as a writer's ...Loretta--I think of word echoes as a writer's tick. A certain word will get stuck in our subconscious and we don't notice it flowing out our fingers. And we often don't hear it when we read it silently.EmilyBryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-82393819935101209412010-09-17T06:11:03.331-04:002010-09-17T06:11:03.331-04:00Julie--Excellent catch! Show, for choice. Tell if ...Julie--Excellent catch! <i>Show,</i> for choice. <i>Tell</i> if you must. Never do both!EmilyBryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-55648087156833556062010-09-17T04:43:06.231-04:002010-09-17T04:43:06.231-04:00Eliza,
This was an interesting read:) I've fou...Eliza,<br />This was an interesting read:) I've found I have to read my manuscript aloud too, to catch all the repeated words. I'm always horrified lol. I can't believe I can get stuck on a word and carry it through paragraph after paragraph so often. It was refreshing to see I'm not the only one!<br /><br />Great post:)<br /><br />Loretta WheelerLoretta Wheelerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07992133163167526850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-68674266645599571402010-09-16T20:12:37.298-04:002010-09-16T20:12:37.298-04:00I, too, liked the opening utilizing sound and the ...I, too, liked the opening utilizing sound and the vivid characterization. Another variation to consider for the first line: The distant clang of metal on metal hung in the sky like musical notes, teasing Michael's ear. I was also bothered by the speedbump of "before reaching Michael's ear" part.<br /><br />I LOVED the characterization of the two geezers. One suggestion would be to delete the sentence "His beard held the remainders of what looked like more than one meal." and jump right in with "Was that a hunk of moldy cheese woven between the snarls (of his beard)?" You're telling us first then showing us. The impact is much greater without the added telling sentence. You could add in another comment about a greasy piece of meat to give the reader the sense of multiple meals being stored in his beard. He's got a walking pantry in his beard!<br /><br />I really look forward to reading more of this story. I'm intrigued by Michael's homecoming and the characterization hooked me.<br /><br />Happy writing!<br />Julie McMullenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-76528056482532230902010-09-16T19:29:56.882-04:002010-09-16T19:29:56.882-04:00Jeanie--Glad you found us!
I guess I immediately...Jeanie--Glad you found us! <br /><br />I guess I immediately thought English countryside because the Brits do love country life. They might spend time in London, but the idea of getting out into the country is never far away. <br /><br />Besides, cities reeked so badly in medieval times, with open sewers in the streets and tanners sheds along the Thames, I doubt anyone would praise the London air.EmilyBryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-31939790922582465392010-09-16T19:26:40.301-04:002010-09-16T19:26:40.301-04:00Thanks for dropping by, Lexi.
Maeve, I'm gla...Thanks for dropping by, Lexi. <br /><br />Maeve, I'm glad this is helpful to you. Being able to take the ideas and apply them to the whole manuscript is sort of the point!<br /><br />Mary--I wonder if this story is under contract. Eliza?EmilyBryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-28374729202390842172010-09-16T19:22:47.123-04:002010-09-16T19:22:47.123-04:00Beth--You have very sharp eyes! This is a great ex...Beth--You have very sharp eyes! This is a great example of how everyone around a critique table brings a different strength.EmilyBryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-22309930507804211822010-09-16T19:21:52.291-04:002010-09-16T19:21:52.291-04:00J.--I'll look forward to having you drop by on...J.--I'll look forward to having you drop by on Thursdays! We have lots of great commenters and fresh thoughts.EmilyBryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-16433510582494760712010-09-16T19:21:34.433-04:002010-09-16T19:21:34.433-04:00Eliza! You know I love your work. :) This is fabu...Eliza! You know I love your work. :) This is fabulous and I love the comments made along the way by Emily. I'll definitely be back on Thursdays - this is fun!<br /><br />My only comment would be this: When he says "England--home, from now on." Then goes to describe the air, at first (probably because of all the regencies I read), I see "England" and I think "London." Maybe you could add a few descriptors to how the air smells, so we know immediately he's in the country. :)<br /><br />Very intrigued to find out his purpose at the joust and where this goes from here.Jeannie Rueschhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16121805051292444835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-47624228392190343352010-09-16T19:19:21.192-04:002010-09-16T19:19:21.192-04:00Marcy--Isn't it amazing how what intrigues one...Marcy--Isn't it amazing how what intrigues one person stops another cold?EmilyBryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-58626799407178346962010-09-16T19:18:15.354-04:002010-09-16T19:18:15.354-04:00Paisley--It's hard to overestimate the value o...Paisley--It's hard to overestimate the value of fresh eyes. We live in our stories so thoroughly sometimes, we think our words are adequate to make other people see the same things we do.EmilyBryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-62387479682635342322010-09-16T18:02:08.646-04:002010-09-16T18:02:08.646-04:00I am so looking forward to this book!I am so looking forward to this book!Mary McCallhttp://www.marymccall.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-31973266713805926962010-09-16T17:00:58.693-04:002010-09-16T17:00:58.693-04:00I really enjoyed this passage, felt like I was the...I really enjoyed this passage, felt like I was there. Well done!<br /><br />I believe I also learned from the comments and can apply them to my own WIP's. Isn't it helpful what a fresh set of eyes can "see"?Maeve Greysonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14947265251857551496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-87678644988075539252010-09-16T16:15:05.578-04:002010-09-16T16:15:05.578-04:00Great job, ladies! I definitely want to read more...Great job, ladies! I definitely want to read more!Lexihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11897165800930936073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-80255914828451629302010-09-16T15:58:20.921-04:002010-09-16T15:58:20.921-04:00Absolutely loved "ruddier than a pig's sk...Absolutely loved "ruddier than a pig's skin"! And the food snared by the old guy's beard--wonderful description that totally captured my imagination and gave me a vivid mental image of the old goat! <br /><br />However, my inner red pen couldn't help but notice that later in the same passage, you accidentally used the word "fair" (an adjuective) when you really meant "fare" as a verb. <br />Just sayin'...it happens to all of us!<br /><br />Beth from MRWAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-69988461083168351792010-09-16T15:23:46.889-04:002010-09-16T15:23:46.889-04:00I've found a new favorite haunt for Thursdays,...I've found a new favorite haunt for Thursdays, one of many great things I'm learning from Eliza. Like Calisa, its nice to put a face with our teacher. Great story, great suggestions. One creative thought - in the paragraph starting with "Excitement filled his veins.." you go on to describe a visual of his muscles, etc. Would something like "pulsed in" or "surged through" fit better than "filled?" Thanks for the glimpse.Joelene Colemanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14860124133578476836noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-59414853205723022292010-09-16T15:09:19.792-04:002010-09-16T15:09:19.792-04:00Interesting discussion! I too stopped for a moment...Interesting discussion! I too stopped for a moment at "hung in the sky like music, before reaching Michael's ears". . . but it wasn't the 'sky' part that bothered me, it was wondering how we could know it 'hung in the sky' if Michael didn't hear it!? Kind of 'if the tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound', I guess. In the end, it doesn't matter, as it blended into the scene very well, but I don't like to be stopped in my reading in the first sentence -- that's not so good. That said, I really liked your characterizations, Eliza. I have a good mental picture already of Michael, and of the two geezers at the tourney, so I'm hooked and eager to know more about why Michael has been longing to get back to England, what kept him in Ireland, and what's going to happen now that he's back!<br /><br />Oh, and I liked the repetition of "air" in the last two sentences of the second paragraph ... it seemed quite lyrical to me. Which goes to prove Emily's point about bringing our own perspectives to what we read!<br />Love the idea of Emily/Mia being on the receiving end of next week's Red Pencil! No surprise, as she's never lacked courage ... and it'll be fun, I know. Thanks to both of you.Marcy Wnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-81135771586319637272010-09-16T15:08:53.498-04:002010-09-16T15:08:53.498-04:00Great post and great suggestions, Eliza and Emily....Great post and great suggestions, Eliza and Emily. I had my turn at Red Pencil Thursday a while back and learned so much from your fresh eyes, Emily. Your story sounds great, Eliza!!! I'm glad I stopped by.Paisley Kirkpatrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06401039126457210324noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-1449852311908417152010-09-16T14:39:23.173-04:002010-09-16T14:39:23.173-04:00Hi Calisa. The 'hang in the sky' seemed po...Hi Calisa. The 'hang in the sky' seemed poetic to me. As a musician, I often visualize sound as if it were tangible. When I spin out a note, it's like a long thread, vibrating in perfection. <br /><br />Guess it just goes to show when it comes to language, we all bring different frames of reference to the same words and get a very different sense of them.EmilyBryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03542349086762747179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-46775800270395613542010-09-16T14:33:38.341-04:002010-09-16T14:33:38.341-04:00Thanks Lisa!!! Good thoughts there... I'll h...Thanks Lisa!!! Good thoughts there... I'll have to think about an alternative to that.Eliza Knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17209596240914705136noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3217012316587200736.post-84332322067051195132010-09-16T14:24:25.802-04:002010-09-16T14:24:25.802-04:00Nice to put a face with my instructor Eliza! Hi. W...Nice to put a face with my instructor Eliza! Hi. What a wonderful story beginning. Very insightful piece. But, to play devil's advocate...<br /><br />*The distant clang of metal on metal hung in the sky like music*<br /><br />I don't think I've ever heard a sound 'hang in the sky', as something tangible might, so much as in the air.<br /><br />Just my thoughts. Good writing.Calisa Rhosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07743891437445099016noreply@blogger.com