Red Pencil Thursday with Abigail Lama-Gaffney

One of the great things about RWA Nationals is the chance to learn from other writers. The workshops cover craft, career, publishing, research, and the writer's life. Here on Red Pencil Thursday, I offer a modest craft workshop each week and hope it helps you improve your writing or enhances your pleasure in reading as you begin to recognize some of the techniques writers use.

This week, please welcome our volunteer/victim, Abigail Lama-Gaffney. My comments on her work are in red. Her responses are in purple.
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LAST NIGHT'S DREAM
I'm not wild about this title. You want the title to be your first hook and this doesn't surprise/entice/delight me. Do dreams figure prominently in this story?

They invaded his mind last week. An annoying tingle between his brows had been the only clue his life was about to change.
Whoa! Good first line. You've teased me with a tantalyzing bit of info, but I'm afraid it's not quite enough. I don't know who they are or who he is. I need more so I'll have a reason to care.
‘They’ are her emotions. I tried to make that clear about a page from now, but I should insert something about it here, instead of later.
I would never have gotten that from what you've given us here. The Prime Directive of writing is: First, be clear.

Xander Stone pressed his fingers to the spot, massaging the area before he stepped out of the car into the muggy air. With no stars or moonlight, the sky hung low and black.

He searched the featureless void, sensing her movement toward him.
He's looking for someone in the sky?
Ha ha. No, he’s not looking at the sky. I’ll make that more clear.

On either side of the road, the rustling corn leaves mingled with insect songs filling the night with a low hum of noise.
Excellent sensory detail. As an Iowa girl, I so remember that sound. However, I'd call them corn stalks instead of leaves and end the sentence with low hum. Of noise is unnecessary. Less is more.
Less is More :-).
Guess I'd better amend that to Less is More if the less is clear.

He turned his head straining to hear. The rhythmic pounding of her shoes on the pavement, interspersed with the steady inhale and exhale of her breath, resonated through the night. She traveled closer and closer, until she stopped.

How about straining to listen since presumably he has no hearing problem. You've done such a good job using sound to show us where she is, I was a little disapointed with she stopped. How about if the slap of leather on the asphalt stopped?

Wow! I hadn’t thought about that, but it makes good sense.

He blinked to focus in the blackness, but only her vague outline materialized.
Materialized makes it sound like she's traveling between dimensions. It's wonderful to have a story that bends the edges of reality, but if you're doing that, you need to give us enough detail to be sure. You want your readers to wonder what's going to happen not wonder what's happening right now.
She’s not traveling between dimensions. It’s just really dark and he can barely see her. I’ll work on changing that word.

The annoying pins and needles between his brows intensified. Across his forehead the muscles knotted in spasms of pain.

Her confusion and fear burst into his awareness.

In the same inexplicable way he knew his hand was still attached to his body after he closed his eyes… He couldn’t explain how her feelings invaded his brain.

Sometimes, it's important to break up long paragraphs. I feel like these sentences all need to be combined into one instead of three because they're all about the same thing.
Good point. I didn’t notice that until you pointed it out.

"It's okay," he called to her.
None of this seems ok to me. What is he trying to say? It's ok is too vague to advance the story.
He’s not exactly thinking clearly here. A few pages after this section, he reflects on that and how stupid he sounded. Maybe I should include that piece now? Or just axe it all together?
Yes, include his self-recriminations now. Absolutely axe any scene where a character is reflecting on what's past. A story grinds to a halt when you set up a scene advancing the action-scene ruminating on what's just happened structure. It's death.

No response.

For Christ’s sake, it was the middle of the friggin’ night. If he drove all this way for nothing…

"Say something, damn it." The moment the words left his mouth pain stabbed him like a knife between the eyes. Her fear blazed into his mind.

“God damn it,” he muttered under his breath, pressing his palm to his head.

There's a lot of profanity in a small space here. The function of impolite words in literature is for emphasis or shock value. By using so much so soon, you're diluting its effectiveness. I'd limit it to one here.
The funny thing is, I didn’t even realize how many ‘impolite’ words there were until I saw it in this format. I will definitely change that.

The initial agony faded to a red hot ache. His body and attention turned to the field. Despite her hiding among the corn, he sensed her exact location. He followed her movements as she tried to glide past him.

Despite her hiding is a bit awkward. How about Even though she was hidden . . .? What are you trying to convey with He followed her movements? Is he shadowing her? Moving with her? Or just watching her?
He’s just figuring out he has the ability to sense her location, no matter where she is. That’s how he knew she was on this road and knew where she was in the cornfield. I need to make that much more clear.


He softened his voice to sound reassuring. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

She stopped.

He perceived the indecision in her mind.
This sentence should join the previous one in the same paragraph. If you separate out every single sentence you aren't giving the important ones emphasis.
Oops. I’ll definitely change that.

“I won’t hurt you.”

She sprinted down the corn row, the leaves whispering in her wake.

The farther she got from him, the less scared she felt.

He didn’t bother following her.
The three previous sentences need to be combined into one paragraph instead of separated.
Again—I see what you’re saying.

Tomorrow morning when he met her, he’d pretend none of this happened.
Excellent final hook. Abbie, you have some good bones here, but we need some flesh. There's not enough specific detail for us to know exactly what's happening. How does he know this girl? How did he know to drive into the middle of nowhere to have this encounter? What exactly is going on in this passage? Thanks for letting us take a look at this inventive beginning.

Looking back over it, I realize I edited out why he’s there (which would answer all your questions). Reflecting on why I did that—it seemed like it was a lot of back story and took away from the immediacy of the situation. Those questions you posed above are all answered within the first 15 pages. But it seems that without the reason for him being there—this part is confusing. And I don’t want confused readers. I’ll work on integrating the answers to your questions into the piece.
It's possible to weave in backstory without it seeming like an info dump if you do it in such a way that how he feels about the backstory is paramount. Emotion is the strongest hook a writer can set. Use it.
This has been a really awesome experience. Thanks for the feedback! This is a really wonderful thing you’re doing for us aspiring authors. Thank you.
My pleasure. Thank you for letting us all learn something along with you, Abbie.


Abbie lives in Central Ohio, with the man of her dreams and two ornery doggies. Currently, she is a mental health therapist, but her goal is to be a published author. When she's not working or writing, she enjoys running, except for the times when she hates it.

Ok, now it's your turn. Do you have a suggestion for Abbie? How about an "atta girl?" The strength of this critique group is in the many voices around the cyber-table. If you're here, you have a right to a say.

Red Pencil Thursday with Barb Riley

Welcome to Red Pencil Thursday. Please welcome Barb Riley. She and I met at RT when she was one of the aspiring writers who came for a couple days of workshops ahead of the main convention for in depth training. I've been one of the presenters for that pre-con for the last 3 or 4 years and it's my favorite part of RT. It's always so energizing to meet with aspiring writers.

My comments on Barb's work are in red. Her responses are in purple. Please be sure to add yours at the bottom of this post.

Prologue

“We got a problem, boss.”
Oh, excellent! If we "got a problem," we've got a story!

“Cut the drama and tell me.”

“The Scires… they know the Alkali is alive.”

His curse ripped through the bar, causing heads to swivel in search of the source. One look at his red-faced anger and they turned away in haste. The regulars knew him and discreetly ignored when things got interesting.

There's a teeny bit of a POV ambiguity here. We're in the Boss's POV. He can't see his own red face. You dropkicked us into the running action with the spare dialogue (excellent device, BTW), but now we've pulled away from the story to a more "omniscent" POV. It makes us less a part of the action. Is there a way to keep us more firmly in the Boss's head?
I agree – thanks for pointing that out! I will rework this!

“We are so close,” he whispered, drooping into the seat. He felt the beginning of one of his episodes coming on. “They can’t have her.”

Anytime you use "felt" it's a weak construct. Can you give us a specific symptom? A pinpoint headache? A twitch? A tightness between his eyes? What tells him an episode is on the way? I like foreshadowing that he has a problem like this.
I agree – I can certainly give stronger details than a “felt”.

“They ain’t found her yet. The dirty bastards got a seer, but he ain’t spilled the location. I’ll know when he does, boss, I will.” The large man across from him nervously tapped thick fingers on the table, his face anxious.

I'd really like some names for your characters. It's hard to keep track of them otherwise. If you don't want to reveal their real names, how about code names or nicknames for now?
I am not married to this person being male. I can certainly change him to female for ease reading. It’s important that I keep “Boss” secret for now.
When I was singing professional opera, we used to call the extras "spear-carriers." Every story has them--the person who delivers the telegram, the maid who brings in the tea. They don't usually have much to say. Is the person talking to the Boss someone we'll see again? If so, you need to have a more vivid characterization of him/her. Even the secondary characters deserve to breathe. If this person is the second in command, give them a nickname too if you need to preserve their anonymity. But we really need more than a pronoun in order to connect with a character.

A blonde, college-aged waitress set several small glasses before him. He turned on the charm, gazing at her through his wire-rimmed glasses, his lips curving into what he hoped she took as an alluring smile.

“Thank you, gorgeous,” he purred.

What is he, a cat? And even as I say that, I know I've used purred myself. It's such a temptation to spice up our dialogue tags, but we need to resist it. I know it seems bland, but most editors just want us to use 'said' and 'asked.' Honest.
I agree! I learned this after I wrote the prologue. I’ve learned my lesson, I will make changes. Thank you!

“Oh yeah, anything for you, hon.” With an obviously fake smile, she backed away from the table. The girls here loved taking his hefty tip, but hated when he talked to them. He wished he could do more than flirt with them, but every night ended the same-with him drunk and alone. He snatched a drink and gulped it down, wincing at the fiery bite of the liquor.

We're getting a clear picture of the Boss here of a nerdy loner. I'm wondering what he's done to inspire such fear and respect. He must have talents/powers not in evidence here. I'm not much of a drinker, but doesn't someone who gets drunk every night become so used to the "fiery bite" of liquor that they cease to note it?
Aha, perhaps he has does have powers! Thank you for your view on this – although he drinks here and there, he’s not a drunk and this does make him sound that way. I intended it to sound that every night he’s HERE, in this bar, he ends up alone. That’s not to say he’s home alone and drunk every night!
This is a common problem for writers. The story lives so vividly in our minds but the trick is to get it to live on the page just as vibrantly.

“If the Scires get to her first, they won’t kill her, but she may as well be dead to us. She doesn’t know who she is, or that her destiny lies with the District. She’d be brainwashed.”

Who said this? I need a tag here. ( I feel like the Queen of Hearts: "I need a pig here!")
I agree! I will work on this, and again, I think changing my second character to female may help with the confusion.
If you change the gender, you'll change the dynamic between them. Will the Boss be hitting on her?

Only one solution made sense to him; resorting to lies and manipulation. He sighed. “I’ll send someone to her. He’ll be there when her world crashes down and she finds the ugliness that’s hidden from the mortals. You and your boys follow them.”

Since you have two male speakers, using 'him' doesn't help your reader much. If this is the Boss, say so. I'm getting the sense that the Boss is the villain of this piece and what he sees as ugliness may not be what we'd see.
I agree! I struggled with the two hims. I will work on this! As for the semi-colon, you are right. This is YA, so I shouldn’t be using this as much as a dash. Thanks!

“Okay, boss.”

“If he can’t get close to her, then we take her. Against her will.”

The fingers stopped drumming.

“You sure, boss?”

Damn, he wished there was another way. But now that the Scires were on to them, it was past time for words. He had to act before they got to her and drained her before she even came into her power.
Good tease. The Alkali, whoever she is, has powers she's unaware of. I'm wondering about your choice of the name Alkali. It means a group of metals that form the basis for ionic salt. Salt is seen as a preservative, a flavoring, a caustic material. How does this symbolism relate to your character?Good research! You’re on the right path! Alkali is interchangeable with the science term, base. The Alkali in the story was named in a vision that became prophecy, and she is the only one of her kind. Or, the base for a different type of mutated individuals.
I also started thinking about alkaline batteries and the Energizer Bunny! But since you explained your etymology, it makes perfect sense.

“Don’t worry, my friend. We’ll try the easy way first, but when it comes down to it, it’s not the first time I’ve kidnapped an underage girl.” As bad as it sounded, it was true. As Director of the District, he’d been forced to do many distasteful things.

Well, so did Jack Bauer. Now I'm unsure whether or not the Boss is the villain.
Aha! Got you thinking!

“I sure hope you know what you’re doin’, boss.” The man shook his head uncertainly.

“Me too.” He laughed then, a sound so dark and unusual that a sickly expression came over the other man’s face. His team might follow him without question, but they seldom liked his ways.

I think we need something creepier than a weird laugh to cause the sickly reaction in the other man. You're telling a bit much here. Show us a little. If the Boss has a malevolent power, perhaps a tiny demonstration is in order. Like Darth Vader pinching off another guy's airway without touching him. I agree! I can certainly spice this up, to show why he’s creepy.

He only laughed harder, feeling the warning thud in his brain. When the pain came, he squealed in agony, hands gripping at his hair as if to

Oh, I hated pinching this excerpt off at the 500 word mark. This scene is winding up for something spectacular here. Your dialogue is crisp and realistic. This story is off to a running start, but I do have a couple caveats. It's very hard to get a clear picture of the characters without naming them. And confusing to have two men in conversation without names. You've tossed out a number of hints at the paranormal elements in this story. I think there may be an opportunity to show a bit of whatever gifts the Boss possesses. Great job!
Thank you so much, Emily! You have given me a lot to use to improve my story. Now I have a better idea of how the paranormal elements and the teasing/foreshadowing come across to a reader. I appreciate your critique!

Bio:
Barb Riley lives in Central Ohio with her wonderful husband, 8 year old drama queen, and two fat cats. After attending the aspiring writers course at RT Booklover's 2010 convention, she jumped corporate ship to pursue her life-long dream of writing. She loves to read anything paranormal and urban fantasy, high fantasy, romance, and wants to write lots of the same!

My website is under construction, so for now, please look me up on facebook, www.facebook.com/barbjriley

Thanks for sharing with us today, Barb. I probably won't be able to respond to comments today. As I told Barb, I'll be in the air most of the day. I'm on my way to the Midwest for a family reunion and to celebrate my Dad's birthday! So I'm really counting on all of you to give Barb the full Red Pencil Treatment!

10 Things Every Writer Needs to Know

I never forward chain emails. I've never republished a previously published article from another writer on this blog.

Until today.

When 10 Things Every Writer Needs to Know by CJ Redwine popped up on one of the writers loops I subscribe to, I knew I needed to pass this advice on:

The following article appeared in the June 2010 issue of Love Notes,
official newsletter of the Music City Romance Writers. Permission granted to
reprint or forward with proper credit given to chapter
and author.
________________________________________________________________


1. Finish a book.

Stop starting every shiny new idea and find the discipline to type one idea
all the way through to The End. It won't be perfect. It probably won't ever
be published. But what you'll learn about yourself and the process will be
invaluable and every subsequent lesson on craft will make a lot more sense.

2. Don't be so eager to share your work with others.

It's important to protect the creative process. Staying away from too much
outside input until you're sure of the story and the characters is a good
idea. Write until you're sure of the story and THEN invite critiques from
CPs. And if you're posting chapters of your work willy-nilly online, stop.
Editors are leery about selling a book when much of it has already been
offered for free.

3. Less talk, more typing.

There are many ways to network with other writers. I agree that can be an
important resource. However, many newer writers spend more time talking
about writing than actually writing. Write more. Talk about it less.

4. Read.

Reading within your genre gives you a firm grasp of the genre and what's
already been done. Reading outside your genre gives you inspiration for new
ideas you could bring to the table. Read.

5. Linger.

Set the scene. Explore the emotions. Record the sensory detail. Don't be in
such a hurry to get from point A to point B that you neglect to deliver the
entire scope of the scene to your reader. If you don't know how to linger
without filling your pages with exposition-- fill your pages with exposition.
You can revise later.

6. Understand that writing is largely about revising.

Revising is often harder than writing the first draft. Your novel won't be
perfect the first time around. It doesn't matter. What you didn't learn
about craft by finishing your first draft, you'll learn by revising.

7. No book is ever perfect.

There's always something you can change. There are no perfect books, but
there are excellent books and the trick is knowing when you've hit that
level and can let it rest.

8. Some books won't ever be published but you should write them anyway.
I know you think the book you're writing NOW is the one. You may be right.
Then again, you may be wrong. It doesn't matter. What matters is pushing
yourself to write the very best book you can and then surprising yourself
with how much better you can make it through revising. No finished draft is
ever a wasted endeavor.

9. Self-doubt comes with the territory.

All of us share one thing in common--we worry that we won't measure up. We
worry that we will. We worry that no agent/editor/ reader will snatch up our
book and when they do, we worry they won't like it. When they do, we worry
our next one will bomb instead. You can't get rid of every shred of doubt
and you don't need to. The trick is to answer the doubt with action. Keep
your head down and write. Take praise and criticism with as much humility
and wisdom as you can and then write some more.

10. Interest and inspiration start books. Determination, perseverance, and
stubbornness finish them.

If you're waiting for your "Muse" to return before you discipline yourself
to write, you won't finish your book. If you want life to slow down, your
schedule to clear, or the people around you to suddenly come to their senses
and support your passion before you make the commitment to finish your book,
you won't finish. Finishing a book takes giving up sleep, turning down
invitations, and refusing to watch tv so you can write instead. Finishing a
book means writing a scene that refuses to go smoothly even though you'd
rather do just about anything else. If you want to turn your writing from
hobby to career, find the determination, perseverance and stubbornness to
finish a book.

******

About the Author:

C.J. Redwine is repped by Holly Root of Waxman Literary Agency and teaches
online writing workshops. For more info, go tohttp://queryworkshop.blogspot.com

Emily here again. All I can say after that is "Yea verily, amen!" #8 is particularly important, IMO. My sad little unpubbed first tries were my training-wheels novels. I was going to school on the writers craft with them. Even though only the dustbunnies under my bed have access to them now, I'm glad I wrote them.

Did any of CJ's advice ring true for you?

PS. I'm blogging on my evil twin's site today. Please join me at www.miamarlowe.blogspot.com. The topic is "In Praise of Honorable Men!"

Red Pencil Thursday with Christina James

One of the fun things about Red Pencil Thursday for me is that I get to read the start of different sorts of stories each week. We've had paranormals and westerns, YA and historicals. Today we're taking a look at a Christina James's contemporary.

As usual, my comments are only one person's opinion. Christina is the final arbiter of her story. But it's always good to get fresh eyes on one's work. That's why I'm glad to work with a critique partner and a beta reader. If you're a writer, look for someone whose opinion you trust, who will be objective about your work, and listen when they speak.

My comments are in red. Christina's responses are in purple. Hopefully yours will show up in the comment section at the end of this post!

Chapter One

Heavy footsteps came closer to where she hid in the stall. Melina was frozen in place, sitting on the cold, hard ground littered with straw. Her silk pants would never survive such punishment. The smell alone was enough to ruin them forever and gag her with the musky scent of wet dirt and the sourness of horse manure she prayed she hadn’t sat in or stepped in.

Excellent first sentence. It dumps us immediately into a dangerous situation and raises all kinds of questions. This is how you do it, folks. I might change the word order to Heavy footsteps came closer to the stall where she hid but your way is fine too. However, if she's hiding, I don't think she'd be sitting down. She'd be squatting, ready to run and if she's truly afraid, she's not worried about her silk pants.

Unfortunately, you received the very first draft before I did the revisions so I will try to answer everything you pointed out and have already corrected some parts in the final version.

Thank you for the compliments on the opening. She is sitting because she is exhausted – she is hiding in the stall because the hero returned before she could hide in another part of the barn. The reason for her concern for her silk pants is basically out of nervousness – it’s something to focus on – but also because she has limited clothing with her and if it gets ruined she can’t replace it because she also has no money with her which is pointed out further into the story.

I understand about multiple drafts. My work goes through several incarnations and I only stop revising when it's time to turn it in.

Still, she held her breath and clutched her lone possession to her chest. All her shoulder bag carried was a change of clothes, which were most certainly wrinkled beyond help by now, a few pairs of panties, a toothbrush and other toiletries. Not much for what was usually accessible to her. But that life was no longer hers. Running from it was the best decision she’d made in forever.

I like the use of clutched. Its a verb that shows us her desperation.

Not much for what was usually accessible to her is an awkward construction and is too vague to tell us anything. If she normally has a full closet big enough to need its own zipcode, say so.
Agreed – this could be stated better – was trying to point out how she goes from one extreme (having abundance of everything) to another extreme (having nothing).

She's scared and hiding and probably sitting in horse dung. Right now I'm not seeing how running was a good decision. What are you trying to convey here?
I’m trying to convey a young woman who was desperate to get out of a situation in her life (an arranged marriage since she comes from royalty and it was a tradition) and she hadn’t quite thought it all out but took the first chance she had to just get on her own since her father, the King, had control of all royals as king. Going against his wishes was never done so for her to do it she ran. It was the best decision because despite her current circumstances staying behind in a life she didn’t want was worse.
Oh, she's a princess! We need to know that right up front. I had spoiled little rich girl in mind. Now that I know she's a royal who's in a coercive situation, my interest is piqued. Is there a way to hint at her station?

A long, dark shadow crept over the railing. Her heart pounded as her eyes slowly lifted to identify its owner, that of a horse’s massive brown body. Dear God, please don’t let that beast come in here.

If the Dear God sentence is her direct thought, you should underline it to indicate to the typesetter that it should be italicized. You raised another question in my mind. Why is she hiding in a stable if she's obviously afraid of horses?
Yes it’s her direct thought and for my publisher they only require italics – no underline – so this will be in the final version – should be here to make it clearer. And she’s hiding in a stable because it was the first structure she came upon after a long journey and she couldn’t go into his house.
OK. Obviously each publishing house has their own standard formats. For Dorchester and Kensington, it's underlining because in Courier New it's easy to miss italics.

“Silvermoon, easy. Bet that brushing feels mighty good, heh?” a man’s deep voice boomed over the horse’s rants. The sound of its hooves clanked on the hard ground.

If a person is trying to gentle a horse, they speak soothingly and softly. He wouldn't boom. A horse being groomed doesn't rant (I'm really trying to imagine a horse ranting.) They really love the attention. I can imagine the horse being restive because it can sense there's someone in the next stall who shouldn't be there. For their size, horses are the silliest and most cowardly of creatures. It might be snorting and shifting its weight, but not 'ranting.'

I appreciate the way you're adding auditory elements, but hooves would only clank on pavement and only if the horse was shod, but they might thud on hard ground when the horse stomped.
This is true. I was just trying to convey that there was sound from his hooves from his prancing.

Instead of rants it should be grunts. Silvermoon is actually a temperamental horse which is described further into the story so he prefers to be running than being groomed. As for the man’s deep voice – to her it sounds booming because of her situation and of course his voice is deep which makes it louder. And I was trying to convey the hero trying to be heard over the horse’s noise. The soothing was in the form of the brushing and petting.

If this is a tempermental animal, I think now might be the time for the man to give us a hint at that. Otherwise, you may have other readers who have a little experience with horses who are thrown by this interaction.

“There you go, buddy. Get inside. Get some water now.”

Oh no!

The wooden door opened allowing the beast access to the stall. Melina sucked in a deep breath, squeezed her eyes tightly shut, and buried her head into her handbag on her bent knees.

Good fear reaction! This is a prime example of showing, not telling. Excellent.

Silvermoon made a grand entrance into his stall, stirring up dust and kicking around.

If the horse was worried about a stranger in the stall, he'd be likely to balk at the entrance and the man might have to swat his backside to get him to move. But since she's not behaving in a threatening manner, the horse might be curious enough to approach and sniff her.
I was actually writing it from a point that the horse is just ornery and not wanting to get back in his stall but wants to keep running. So basically because of his size, his moving around stirred things up.
I guess our horses were pretty docile so I'm having trouble relating to this. The only time our mare kicked up a ruckus in a stall was when she was at the vet and wanted to come home.

A scream escaped her throat, one she couldn’t stop as the beast stomped around her.

Ok, now the horse would be dangerous. In an enclosed space you really don't want to do something to rile them like screaming. Melina's in serious trouble here. I think you might have the horse rear, paw the air and whinny. He might kick at the sides of the stall.
Yes, she is reacting in a way that scares the horse and that’s why the hero responds so harshly, because he knows how Silvermoon can be bad-tempered.

“What the f***?” the man’s voice yelled above her.

Since this is a PG-13 blog, I edited your explitive. But since it's here, let's talk about the vulgar tongue for a moment. There is a place for all words in literature, but choosing the right moment to loose a less-than-polite verbal volley is one of the author's most important tasks. We want our prose to make an impact and there's no question that vulgar words serve as an exclamation point to an emotional moment. Rhett Butler's "Frankly, my dear" would have been severely diluted if he'd been swearing through the rest of the story.
This is an erotic contemporary and the swearing depicts a hero who doesn’t have to watch his language because he’s not always around females – he does apologize further into the story, recognizing he’s rough around the edges and not used to females being around. He’s around ranch hands all day and their mouths are bad. But the fact that he can recognize his swearing makes him appealing since he does know right from wrong and once things calm down he tries to make an effort to not swear.
This is almost the first thing we hear from your hero. The heroine is in danger, but I'm assuming worse things will threaten her later. What will he say then? Where does he go from here?
His reaction is to show how startled he is to find a woman in his barn, and worse, in his temperamental horse’s stall. The hero is caught off guard and the situation is immediately dangerous so his reaction was to portray a man who is rough around the edges who deals with danger in a rough way – until the heroine has a chance to “unroughen” him.
Since he obviously knows horses, he wouldn't shout in a way that would further upset the animal. I wonder if forceful action from the hero with no words at all isn't a better way to go.
Again, to her it sounded like yelling because of all the commotion and how deep and rough his voice is so I was trying to portray this. I do like the idea of not using any words at all – maybe until after she’s safely in front of him out of the horse’s stall.

Before she knew what to expect, large hands grasped her crudely around her upper arms and she was airborne, still clutching her bag. Instinctually, she kicked and twisted her body to free herself then she planned to run like hell to get away from whoever had just found her.

I think I'd cut Before she knew what to expect. It doesn't really add anything to the action. I try to limit my -ly words to a couple per page, but you've got 2 in one paragraph here. I'd break the last sentence into two. Put a period after herself.
Good feedback. I had already changed crudely to tightly because he’s not trying to be mean to her but at the moment he doesn’t recognize his strength in holding her.
I'm assuming he lifted her over the stall to safety. Showing is great, but sometimes we have to tell. It would make sense to tell she was lifted over the stall. I don't think she'd kick to free herself until after she was clear of the horsestall. Or how about if she started climbing the stall on her own?
The scene is happening so quickly – like literally seconds- that the kicking was part of her reaction without her even thinking of waiting until she was on the ground and out of the stall. It was the fight or flight mechanism.
“Knock it off, you little witch,” the man demanded, dropping her onto her feet but not freeing her.

“Let me go,” she screamed before landing a solid kick to his shin. Her toes protested, but she didn’t have time to address the pain of kicking something that felt like a steel post.

A word about dialogue tags. Most editors would rather see either action to indicate who's speaking or simply use "said." Readers scan right over it and it doesn't intrude.
Was showing her actions and words occurring at the same time in her frantic bid to free herself.
I just mean using 'demanded' and 'screamed.' I've heard several editors say they'd prefer to see 'said.'
He swung her away from him, releasing her. When his strong hand landed smartly across her ass, her hand automatically covered her bottom where it stung. She faced him, hardly able to believe her eyes. He was a f***ing giant. Never had she seen a bigger man. Her jaw dropped at the sight of his wide chest, massive shoulders, thick arms, huge hands, and unbelievable height. Hell, she was five-feet-four and he was a good foot over her. His legs boasted the same enormous muscles, his thighs as thick as her entire body.

Having the hero hit the heroine, even a swat on the butt, is a gamble. There are a few taboos in romance and guys hitting girls is one of them. There's no relationship yet, so this can't be construed as playful.
Understood but it was meant to portray a knee-jerk reaction – similar to a slap in the face to stun a hysterical person – not meant to harm but to get attention. There is erotic play with this later on and it’s that reason he doesn’t hesitate to swat her bottom because he’s doing it based on his Dominant personality.
This still seems over the line to me. If she's hysterical, I'd rather see the face slap, but I don't get hysterical from her, just terrified. Also, I get that he's rough and that explains his rough language, but we're in the princess's POV and she's dropping f-bombs and Hell in her head. If you want her to be able to "unroughen" him later, she needs to be a lady now, even in a tough situation, so we see clearly how different their respective worlds are.

6'4" is tall, but if she's ever watched an NBA game she's seen taller men. The "giant" is a little over the top. Thighs as thick as her entire body? What kind of Clydesdale was he riding?
She’s a princess surrounded by average size people, only her bodyguards would be large but not this large. On TV, tall is tall, but in person and to her slender frame he is much bigger and appears “gigantic” – but it may be a little over the top. Same with the description of the thighs. Just trying to show how muscular he is from working on the ranch.
This is a question of proportion. I think you want to convey 'hunk', not 'hulk.'

He stood, arms crossed, staring at her. When her gaze landed on his face she swallowed hard. He was every bit as mad as she was frightened.

Why is he angry? Confused, curious, irritated maybe. But why angry? If he's as big as you say, a little girl kicking his shin shouldn't make him mad.
This was her perception of him, that he was angry because he looked so stern and serious – again part of what makes him who he is because he’s a cowboy running a ranch and not having a lot of time out of his busy chore schedule. He’s not mad about her kicking him as he is about the interruption to his busy schedule and he knows the situation isn’t an easy fix because his ranch happens to be in the middle of nowhere so how she ended up there is no doubt going to be complicated.

Ok, I'll have to confess I got a little distracted by the interaction with the horse in this scene. There were several things that didn't ring true, so it pulled me out of the story. I'm no horse expert, but we had a mare and a gelding for five years when we lived in Wyoming, so I'm basing my comments on behaviors I observed in them. Perhaps there's someone out there with more equestrian experience who can set us straight. How would a horse react in this situation? Silvermoon was reacting solely based on his personality – that is he wanted to be running instead of grooming; and going into his stall he was feisty for the same reasons. The hero goes on to explain how the heroine made a huge mistake hiding in a horse stall especially when the horse is mean like Silvermoon. The normal horse reaction wasn’t going to apply to an ornery horse like Silvermoon.
Making Silvermoon was a stallion would make a difference in my perception of him. The few stallions I've seen I wouldn't get near, especially when there was a mare in season nearby. They are literally testosterone with hooves.

Thanks for letting me take a look at your writing, Christina! You make a very important point when you reminded me that you are writing a contemporary erotica. It's so essential to know what kind of story we're writing and what the reader expectations are for that particular subgenre.

Short Blurb:

For years Christina has had stories in her head, stories of romance and heartache, stories of overcoming the odds. She writes with a passion to make all her characters realistic so the reader can fall in love with them as much as she does. A sucker for a good love story, Christina writes hot, sensual romances with a little sarcastic wit and some humor, in a contemporary setting.

www.christinajamesauthor.com

Ok, now it's your turn to weigh in. Any suggestions for Christina? Have I blown it badly? Any horse experts out there who can help us get a lasso on Silvermoon?

My Husband Married a Hooker, Part 3

We've talked about hooking readers with your title. We've covered the importance of hooking with your first line. Today, we're going to talk about the hooks that turn a good read into a page-turner--the hook at the end of the chapter.

Mary Higgins Clark made a fortune writing short spare chapters and ending each one with a hard hook. Her books are called fast reads because no one can put them down. A hook is a tantalizing bit of information that compels the reader to keep going. The best compliment my editor ever gave me was sharing that she always had to stop mid chapter when she was editing my work because if she got to the end of the chapter, she’d have to go on.

Here are a few types of "end of chapter" hooks:

Bridging hook- In this hook, you bridge from one chapter to the next by picking up shortly after you left off. I'm sorry I don't know what book this example is from, but I read it once and thought it was delicious. A couple is fighting at the end of the chapter about whether or not to keep a stray dog. Finally, the guy says, "Ok, he can stay tonight, but he's not sleeping on the foot of our bed."

The next chapter opens with: "The dog snored all night."

It makes me smile every time I think of it. In only a few words, you learn a lot about the relationship and you certainly learn who really had the last word in that argument!

Danger, Will Robinson—Ending chapters with physical peril may be a cheap trick, but it works almost every time it’s tried. I heard Jessica Andersen reading an excerpt from her award winning Nightkeeper series at a book signing once. She very cleverly read a chapter that ended with the character's car careening out of control and plunging off a cliff. Well, you have to buy the book and keep reading then, don't you?

If you have a fight scene or a dangerous situation, use it to pull your reader forward. Save the resolution for the next chapter, not the end of this one.

L’amour—The same principle for a fight scene works for a love scene. End the chapter with a kiss of promise and your reader will keep turning pages. Don’t end with the cigarette moment or worse, having the loving couple fall asleep. Something else needs to happen to keep the momentum of the story going or the reader will turn out the light and wake up her husband!

Make it matter—Anything that raises the stakes is a hook. If the bank is about to foreclose, the sheriff shows up on the doorstep at the end of the chapter with the notice. This is especially important at the end of the crucial third chapter.

Why the third chapter? Because when an editor or agent asks for a partial, they want the first three chapters and synopsis. Hit them with a hard hook at the end of 3 and they'll have to ask for the full manuscript.

Setting end of chapter hooks is the best way to write a compulsive read. Who really needs 8 hours of sleep anyway?

Here's an example of an end of chapter hook from my new release STROKE OF GENIUS. In this scene, Crispin Hawke shooes Grace Makepeace, whom he's just met, away from the sketch he keeps covered in his studio--the one of the woman who's been plaguing his dreams for months:

Anyone viewing the sketch would never believe Miss Grace Makepeace hadn’t sat for it personally.

And in splendid nakedness.

Now it's your turn. If you're a writer, do you have a favorite end of chapter hook from your WIP? Readers, what end of chapter hooks kept you up late?

PS. I'm also blogging at Seductive Musings and at Tracy Madison's Blog today. Giveaways at both places, of course! Please pop over and say hi!

My Husband Married a Hooker, Part 2

A couple weeks ago, I gave you the Readers' Digest version of the first part of my MY HUSBAND MARRIED A HOOKER workshop. (It's about writing hooks, of course! What were you thinking?) We talked about what a hook is and how to set one with your title. For a refresher, here's a link to that post.

Today, we'll talk about hooking your reader with your opening line.

The beginning of a book is a delicate time. You must introduce your protagonist, establish the conflict and set the tone in ripping fashion. Years ago, readers gave authors leisure to do this in a long prologue or a first chapter loaded with backstory. No more. We must drop the reader in medias res ("into the middle of affairs"). We hit the ground running and leave enough breadcrumbs in our wake for the reader to follow and catch up.

If this sounds daunting, that's because it is. Most writers I know spend more time revising the first chapter than any other with emphasis on the first line. That's because if you don't hook your reader with the first line, the first paragraph, the first page, she's likely to reshelve the book and move on.

So here are a few tips to start with a hook.

1. Begin as you mean to continue. No bait and switch allowed!The first sentence sets the tone for the whole book.

My Distracting the Duchess starts with “I’m going to have to shorten his willy.” Ok. I admit it. I was going for a snort. Obviously, with this start, you’re in for a sexy romp. If I’d tried to make it a serious tear jerker, there would have been problems.

2. Surprise your reader.

If the world of your story has its own special rules, lead with them. I still remember my reaction to the opening of Nora Robert's Carolina Moon. "She woke in the body of a dead friend." It made me do a double take to make certain I'd read it correctly. When I was sure I had, I knew I had a unique tale ahead of me.

3. Raise a question in your reader's mind. Moby Dick opens with "Call me Ishmael." The first time I read it, I wondered if that was really the narrator's name or if he chose the name of an outcast to describe himself because that's how he felt. In just three words, Melville has set the stage for a story of biblical proportions.

4. Elicit an emotion from your readers. Stephanie Meyers' Twilight begins with "I'd never given much thought to how I would die." Well, that grabs us by the jugular, doesn't it? We all have wondered about death at some time and have pretty strong feelings about it.

You MUST hook your readers on the first line. Surprise them. Make them shiver. Give them something to elicit an emotion or raise a question that compels them to read on.

STROKE OF GENIUS starts like this:

Starting from the well-formed foot and ankle, the long line of the man’s leg ended in a disappointingly small fig leaf.

Raise any questions? Does it give you an idea of the tone of this story? Are you expecting a light-hearted, classy, yet ribald tale? (Click here if you'd like to read the rest of the chapter!)

If you're a writer, please share the opening line of your current WIP. If you're a reader, what's the first line of the book you're reading now and why do you think it's a good one or not?

World Building ~ It's not just for Fantasy Writers Anymore!

Last Saturday, my fam and I went to the Museum of Science to see the Harry Potter exhibit. Props, costumes, sets and music from the movies swept us into JK Rowling's richly imagined world.

Every author engages in world building, whether you write fantasy, paranormal, historical or contemporary. Yep, even contemporary. Not everyone lives in a huge urban setting. Some people have never walked a small town square. Part of the writer's job is to paint such a vivid picture of that small town, readers can smell the geraniums in the pots outside the victorian courthouse. Every book is a world--a special place where the reader's imagination fills in the details based on a few specifics suggested by the author.

So do we build our fictional world with dumps of description? Not if we want anyone to come with us to our world. We start by dropping in some specific details. Here's a sentence from the first couple paragraphs from Maidensong, my debut Diana Groe book:

Flickering light from the central meal fire kissed the newborn and danced across the smoke-blackened beams of the longhouse.

The world of Maidensong is lit only by fire. I've given my readers a whiff of a smoky longhouse. In a few more sentences, the midwife wraps the baby in a catskin blanket and my reader knows she's not in Kansas any more. Or Regency England. The world of this story is older, darker and more dangerous.

Setting (topography, level of technology, etc.) isn't the only part of worldbuilding. The reader needs to know what's normal in our fictional world. If everyone else is able to fly, an earth-bound heroine is unique. Is she pitied or revered? Every world has its own rules, and the characters defy them at their peril.

A fictional world needs a history. After all, our characters and their progenitors have been living in that world since its creation. What are the values of our world? The religion(s)? The historic feuds and grudges? (Every author can use a little extra conflict. Why not build it into the fabric of our world?)

As writers, we need to know far more details than we share. I confess to having drawn up floorplans for my hero Crispin Hawke's unique home (Stroke of Genius). Some writers design their character's closets and know to the last ribbon what outfits their heroine has to choose from each day. My oldest daughter is writing a fantasy and has drawn some pictures of some really cool, very ornate weapons. Many writers sketch maps.

Do whatever you need to to do in order to be able project your world so deeply into your psyche, it will flow naturally out your fingers in vivid slices of life.

There are so many elements involved in world building, I've just dabbled my toes in this particular ocean. What helps you feel established in a special world of a story? If you're a writer, what sort of things do you concentrate on when you create your fictional world?