Red Pencil Thursday with Allison Druery

Often when I do a Red Pencil Thursday critique, I've never met my victim . . . er, volunteer . . . face to face. That's not the case today. Allison Druery and I became acquainted last year at Bobbie Smith and Judi McCoy's Aspiring Writers' Boot Camp a few days before the Romantic Times convention started. It's an intense couple days with back-to-back workshops all day (and into the night!)and by the time the convention starts, the pros and the aspirings have formed a bond forged in new creative ideas and ways of approaching their work. It's my favorite part of the week.

But that doesn't mean I'll go easy on Allison. A critique is only valid if you are honest. That said, my opinion is only one person's opinion and Allison is free to accept or ignore anything I say. The value of a critique is in sending a writer's thoughts in new directions. So that's what I hope to do today. And I hope something here might help you with your WIP as well.

My comments are in red, Allison's responses in purple. Please add yours in the comment section below! If you're reading this, consider yourself part of the Red Pencil Thursday inner circle. We want to hear from you!
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Love, Sex and Karma
I like this title. Sets of three always seem to work.

His eyes were drawn to the hot pink halter top that illuminated not only her tight curves, but seemed to improve the lighting in the crowded dull bar. Based on how nicely the top revealed her curves, and a tantalizing bit of a healthy, tanned mid-drift, Levi was sure that his were not the only set of eyes focusing on the heat that bellowed from Miss Halter.

Ok, we're in Levi's POV, so it's time for a word about guy-speak. Unless he's particularly erudite, guys think in shorter sentences with fewer clauses. They tend to use specific nouns and active verbs, and not go so heavy on adjectives and adverbs. I italicised them so you'd see how many there were. Also, this is a private pet peeve of mine, but I don't like roaming body parts. His gaze was drawn, not his eyes. The use of bellow is fresh (brought to mind a bull bellowing at the cows in heat), but it stopped me for a bit here. I think you want a temperature related word, not a sound one. LOVE that he thinks of her as Miss Halter.

I definitely wasn’t focusing on guy-speak. I’ll be sure to make some changes and to watch my male POV in the future. Bellowed is the wrong word, I think I might play around with the image of a mirage.

When I first started writing, I didn't think about staying in tight POV for the narrative. I took a more "omniscient" view, but you don't draw a reader in without letting them into your character's unique thoughts and observations. This is not a concept for a novice, however I think you're up to the challenge, my dear.

Flecks of gold streaked through her lengthy dark blonde hair, which only assisted the barely-there straps of her top as they outlined her swan-like neck. Surrounded by a group of women she stood conversing at the bar. Beside her someone must have made a joke because her laugh vibrated from her core to her lips causing her breasts to quiver within that deep v-necked shirt. Levi’s Adam’s apple paused halfway down his throat causing him to choke on his gin. The way her breasts were so securely snuggled together, he’d bet that she wore nothing beneath.

Swan-like neck is not a guy type observation, but you nailed him on the quivering breasts. I like the physical reaction with the Adam's apple. A fresh detail.

Watching her from across the room gave him a dark sense of power. Like a tiger stalking its prey. She stood, unaware that her future was about to change. That he, Levi Henson was her future. He knew that she was the one he had been searching for.

Can you give me a sense of why he thinks so? Is he smitten with her on the strength of a glance? Looking to meet her because they have a blind date? The tiger stalking is a little menacing for a hero. Ditto for dark power. It makes me wonder if Levi is not the hero of the piece.

I am making him sound like the villain. Don’t want that. Thanks for catching it.

Having first spotted her, relief washed through him. Settling into the couch he inspected her from a distance, but as his scrutiny continued he became anxious to approach her.

Now it seems as if he was looking specifically for Miss Halter. Can you show me he's anxious instead of telling me? I'd also like a reason.

Levi thought that nothing could pry his eyes away from her, but after only a few minutes of silently perusing her body he was proven wrong by a hard elbow to his ribs. As he rubbed his side Levi didn’t doubt for a second that the elbow was the strongest point on the human body.

I think I'd cut the As he rubbed sentence so we can get to the dialogue quicker.
Okay.

“What?”

Zack, his newest business partner, had a glare to match his abusive elbow. With his eyes he motioned to the two women in front of them, “Angela asked you a question.” His lips turned upwards as he faced the women. Obviously getting laid was more important to Zack than Levi’s ribs.

Love the glare to match his abusive elbow! But the next sentence is a little awkward. Instead of With his eyes he motioned, how about his gaze flicked? You need a period after them and start Zack's dialogue as a new sentence.

I felt that something was wrong with that line. I like ‘His gaze flicked’ so much better.

If something feels off to you, it's a sure bet it will hit a reader the same way.

Levi turned his attention to the two equally stunning women before him, one dark haired and exotic; the other with a mane of red hair and freckles that Levi would guess covered far more of her body than just her nose. Now, if only he could remember which one was Angela.

He'd definitely wonder how far the freckles wander! Good detail.

He deliberately looked from one to the other before making an excuse for his ignorance, “Pardon me, the music is loud. What was your question?”

The red haired woman leaned forward displaying her cleavage for his wandering gaze, “I was wondering how long your um,” her eyes met his before dipping to his crotch, “boat is.”

Levi chuckled, “My,” he paused to continue the innuendo, “yacht is larger than any that you’ve ever seen.”

Hope he can back up that claim. She strikes me as the type to get out a tape measure!
She does seem like that type of woman.


The women looked at each other with greedy eyes, making Levi want to laugh at them. He was sure that with their cheaply applied make up and their

They were stunning and exotic a moment ago and now they have cheap make up. There's a disconnect in the description that might be confusing.

You’re right. That didn’t sit well with me either. I’ll be sure to change it when I introduce them.


You've got some really good elements going here, sharp characterization and fresh details. I'm sure Levi is going to hook up with Miss Halter eventually. I'd really like to have a few more hints about why he was looking for her.

Not wanting to give away too much of the plot, I left out why he feels this way. Does this create suspense or annoyance for the reader? Should I be dropping some more concrete hints?

Yes. Don't give us everything, but we need some hooks, tantalyzing little bits of info, that will tease us into reading more to find out what's up. Last spring I did a 4 part post titled "My Husband Married a Hooker" where I go into more detail about what writing hooks are and how and where to set them. Here's the link to the first one: http://emilybryan.blogspot.com/2010/04/my-husband-married-hooker-part-1.html

Thank you so much for having me on Red Pencil Thursday. You have given me a great deal to work and play with. I’m grateful to know what I can improve within this piece, and my writing in general. Thank you!

My pleasure, Allison. I love that you regard writing as something to play with, because it certainly is. Best of luck!

Allison's Bio:
Allison Druery is an aspiring Canadian author, currently working towards a BA at the University of Toronto, studying English Literature and history. She is avidly working on multiple manuscripts, in a range of genres. When she isn’t studying, or writing she is actively trying to promote awareness and funds for ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s disease). Connect with Allison at
http://www.facebook.com/people/Allison-Druery/505421581

Now it's your turn. What advice do you have for Allison?

Red Pencil Thursday with Eliza Knight

Welcome to another edition of Red Pencil Thursday. And welcome Eliza Knight, published author, blogger extraordinaire and professional critiquer. This week Eliza is also our victim, er . . . volunteer.

When I sent a note out on my writer loops for volunteers, Eliza thought I was looking for a guest critiquer, so we decided that next week, we'll turn things about. She'll be back next Thursday with her critique of the first draft opening of my Mia Marlowe novella from IMPROPER GENTLEMEN.

But this week it's my turn to take a look at her medieval. My comments are in red, hers in purple. Please add yours to the bottom. A critique group is only as strong as all its members and if you're reading this, consider yourself part of the group! Every opinion is only one person's opinion, but please voice yours!

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England, 1415

The distant clang of metal on metal hung in the sky like music, before reaching Michael’s ears. His blood surged with power and lust for a good fight. He’d traveled nearly a month to reach this location. Shouts of pain and triumph floated in the air. He smiled.
I love this opening. You use a sense other than visual to show us something special about our hero's goal. Very fresh.
Thank you, Emily! That is very nice to hear.

England—home, from now on.

How long had he yearned to return to the place of his birth? Nearly twenty years. He couldn’t believe it had been that long, and yet at the same time the wait was unbearable. Although he’d called Ireland home for that long, he’d dreamt of returning. His goal since childhood had been to set foot permanently on English soil. Excitement filled his veins, his muscles flexed and un-flexed with his need to work them out. He took a deep breath. The air was different, dryer. There always seemed to be a mist in the air of Wexford.
I think I'd ditch the question and just state he'd longed to return for 20 years. And speaking of long, looks like you've got an echo here. Sometimes a word gets stuck in a writer's head and flows out our fingers multiple times. There's a mini echo with air in the last two sentences as well.
Lol, yes Michael does like the word long and air doesn’t he? It’s always great to have someone else read your work, since I’ve been over this passage 100 times and never caught that! Thanks! If I read my work aloud, the echoes ping a little louder and I can catch them.

Michael sighed, and gazed up at the sky. It was early in the morning. A few clouds hovered above, but other than that, it appeared the sun would shine for him today.

“Sir?” one of his squires, Colin, inquired.
Yay, Michael has someone to interact with! A canvas too empty of characters is a frequent problem I see in beginnings here on Red Pencil Thursday.
I too like the characters to interact with other people. I think it’s a great way to get some action, dialogue and more than just inner thoughts in there.
Internal thoughts and character ruminations are death to a scene.

“Prepare the tent,” he ordered. He turned toward the fields. “I’m going to the lists. Fletch, come with me.”

Blood pumping and his heart beating a battle tune, Michael urged his mount forward, his lead squire following. Nothing sent a thrill spiraling through him like a tournament. Although the real tourney games had yet to commence, the list fields were abuzz with knights training, squires running here and there. Roars of laughter could be heard from the crowds that watched all manners of entertainment. Bear-baiting, cock-fighting and boxing had all begun.
Multiple squires lets us know Michael is a man of pretty high rank. You've provided good details in setting this festive scene for us. Be careful not to use passive voice. Roars of laughter could be heard is weaker than The crowd roared with laughter.
Good point and great example!!! One of things I find often with my work is I have to go over passages two or three times to pick up on the passive stuff. I think my voice is naturally passive, so I have to work that much harder to make it active.

They reached the main field and dismounted. Michael and Fletch approached the men who were checking armorial bearings and pairing knights for the competition.

“My master, Sir Michael Devereux, wishes to join the list,” Fletch said.

“Devereux, eh? Son of Sir Lucas Devereux?” the balding older man asked. Grease stained the front of his tunic. His beard held the remainders of what looked like more than one meal. Was that a hunk of moldy cheese woven between the snarls? Red rimmed the man’s eyes, and his cheeks were ruddier than pig’s flesh. Dark crescent shaped shadows were smeared beneath his eyes. His sidekick, just as old, but not bald, didn’t fair much better, in fact he looked ready to keel over.
Vibrant description and very fresh. I've never seen ruddier than pig's flesh anywhere else. We read to be surprised and delighted. You're off to a great start. Sidekick tickles my ear as too modern for a medieval. Sure enough. When I checked my online etymology source, it tagged this word as a 1906 invention.
Ruddier than pigs flesh is pretty good huh? It came to me actually from that movie, Babe, while watching it with my daughter, one the characters who kind of looked like a pig had very ruddy skin, more so than her little piggy!

Thanks for the tip on sidekick. I looked up other words, and cohort, was established around 1475… I could use it since it was close enough, or just go with companion…


Michael suppressed the urge to sneer at their disheveled appearances. Apparently the men were enjoying this tourney quite a bit already. Normally, Michael would cheer them on, but his mood was soured as the reason for his being here came to the forefront of his mind.
Watch how often you use -ly words. Here we have two sentences beginning adverbs. Specific nouns and descriptive verbs make for stronger prose.
“ly” words are my enemy!
Repeat after me: "Adverbs are of the devil."

“Aye.”
It's been a while since the men asked Michael a question. You might think about having his answer refer back to it. "Aye, Sir Lucas is my sire."
I’m glad you pointed this out, because it was actually something I had thought of, and now that you’re saying it, you’ve confirmed my thoughts!

The men nodded. “You’ll be jousting at mid-day. If you do not arrive at the list fields on time, you will be disqualified.”

He bit back a retort. He was no fledgling. Michael twisted his neck from side to side, trying to ease the tension that made his muscles stiffen. “I understand.”

“Today is the joust, tomorrow—” The man actually swayed in his chair and had to grip the table to catch his bearings. His partner laughed aloud, causing himself to almost topple over.
I really like this beginning. The contrast between your hero and the people he meets is stark. We like Michael for his seriousness of purpose and yet, I get the sense that jousting is not going to satisfy him long. Thanks for letting me take a look at it, Eliza!
Thank you so much Emily for your critique, advice and suggestions, and for allowing me to come on Red Pencil Thursday! This was a lot of fun! Everything you’ve said will really help to make the opening of my story much stronger, and I can use your suggestions for the rest of the manuscript as well!

Eliza's bio:

Eliza Knight is the author of several historical romance and time travel erotic romance novellas. She is also a professional critiquer and presents workshops to writers on craft, research and history. Coming soon--Eliza writes historical fiction under the name Michelle Brandon. Visit Eliza at http://www.elizaknight.com/, http://www.historyundressed.blogspot.com/ or http://www.authormichellebrandon.com/.

Thanks for stopping in, everyone. Be sure to leave a comment or question for Eliza today!