Red Pencil Thursday with Mia Marlowe

Ok, that's a trick title for this post because I am Mia Marlowe. It's my new pen name for my upcoming books with Kensington publishing. I'm under contract for 3 novels and a novella. The Mia books are a little different from Emily's since I'm adding a sparkle of magic to the stories.

This is from the rough draft of my novella for IMPROPER GENTLEMEN, an anthology with Diane Whiteside and Maggie Robinson. Eliza Knight, who is a professional critiquer, has given this the once over for me. Her comments are in red and my responses are in purple. I'd love to hear what you think too, so please leave a comment!

IMPROPER GENTLEMEN ~ A Knack for Trouble

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on.”--Shakespeare, The Tempest

1827
Royal Navy Docks, Bermuda

Chapter 1

If ever there was a night to be blessed by the Knack, it was this one. Aidan Danaher didn’t use it often, but his gift of being able to misdirect a mind certainly came in handy as he stolen past one guard after another. No one saw him leave the ship or enter the British fortress through a dry man-sized drain in the sea wall.
This was a nice opening hook, I’m definitely intrigued! I want to know what the Knack is! One thought though, I was under the impression since we’re at the docks that the Knack was a ship, and then after we realize he has gift for mind manipulation, I realized it meant his power. “Stolen” should be “stole” or have the he before it “he’d stolen”.
Oh! I hadn't thought about the possible confusion with a ship name for the Knack. I need to be more clear. Would it help for it not to capitalized? The stolen happened when I Xed the 'd and didn't alter my verb. I need to be careful when I make changes that everything in the sentence still works. Good catch!

It had been a simple matter to climb up the masonry and iron of the Commissioner’s House. He knew where every finger and toe hold was. He’d helped build the blasted thing, after all, and cursed every stone of it.
I wonder if you’d consider starting this paragraph with a stronger word? Maybe: “Climbing up the masonry and iron of the Commissioner’s House had been a simple matter.” I know starting with an “ing” is not necessary strong, but it is stronger than “It had been.”
Hmmm... let me think about that. I try to avoid "ing" when I can.

But not this night.
Because something exciting is happening!

Aidan ducked from the wide second floor veranda into the tall open window, leaving the balmy Bermudian night behind. The thick-walled house was cool and kissed by a soft breeze. A far cry from the airless convict ship tied up down at the wharf.
So he’s a bad boy? Intriguing! This is also a great way to show us our scenery, I feel like I can see it, feel the air on my skin. I wonder, is there a candle lit or a fire? Or a sliver or full moon? What is the lighting like?
Good idea and it shouldn't take more than a sentence. With a novella, my challenge is always to keep the manscript trim enough to fit into the 30-35K word count restraints. Descriptions seem like a logical place to go lean, but I also don't want to shortchange my reader's experience. It's a delicate balance.

Rosalinde was there, waiting just inside her window as she promised she’d be. She was just as he’d dreamed, her long chestnut hair unbound, flowing over her virginal nightshift like a wanton mantle. Her bare toes peeped from beneath her lacy hem, curling with nervousness.
I like the contrast of wanton and virginal—and we can see she is more virginal, with the curling of her toes. “was there, waiting” is passive, suggest saying something a little more active like, “Rosalinde stood just inside her window as she’d promised.” Also, since “just” was used in the previous sentence, try to get rid of it. “She was exactly as he’d dreamed…”
Once I get the manuscript finished, I hit the "find" function to look for my bugaboos: just, almost, even, very, still--little filler words that become my writer's tick. Thanks for catching these.

“We must be quiet,” she whispered.
Do their gazes met? Show us their longing for each other.
Oh, yes! I need to establish a stronger connection here.

Aidan caught both her fidgety hands and brought them to his lips for a kiss. “Aye, lass. Quiet as ever we can.”
I like their dialogue, its sensual and filled with promise.
Thank you.

He wasn’t keen on being strung up by His Majesty’s Royal Navy for this night’s work. But one look at her wide eyes and trembling mouth convinced him she just might be worth it.

Aidan bent to kiss her, tasting her lips with gentleness, careful not to spook her.
I like seeing his gentle side.
Fair warning, it doesn't last long. Their passion ignites white-hot in another page.

For months, they’d danced around this moment. As elected leader of the Irish convicts building the public works at Royal Dock, he’d been ushered in weekly to see the commissioner, Rosalinde’s father, to air grievances or suggest improvements that would speed the work. Commissioner Burke had warmed to him, thanks to the Knack, and when Rosalinde needed a groom for her new Thoroughbred gelding, Aidan was taken off the grueling chain gang hauling stone and put to work in the stables.
Previously, the Knack had both words underlined, I would keep it consistent. Also, this last sentence is pretty long—and has a passive “had”. I think you could break it up, maybe like this: “Commissioner Burke warmed to him, thanks to the Knack. When Rosalinde needed a groom for her new Thoroughbred gelding…”
The way the manuscript is formatted, I have to underline the words I want italicized for the typesetter. I think I should go just with the Knack itself italicized without the "the." But either way, you're right. It has to be uniform. Oh, yes, I tend to have sentences that waffle on from one clause to the next, blossoming into virtual paragraphs on their own. I always have to go back and chop them up later.

He had as easy a way with horseflesh as he did with people, so it was a simple matter to convince Rosalinde he could help her refine her dressage technique. She never realized the wicked beast’s princely manners were due more to Aidan’s Knack than to her improved riding skills.
I like this, it gives us little more information about his power.
The beginning of a story is such a tricky time. There's so much groundwork to lay in such an short amount of space. I'm hoping to tease my readers a bit here so they'll wonder what Aidan can actually do with the Knack.

He stole a kiss from Rose within a few days. In a few weeks, she allowed him to caress her breasts through her stiff riding habit. They drove each other mad by inches, a little more daring each day. Always in danger of discovery, always with only moments to savor their sweet wickedness.
Did she kiss him back and allow this because she wanted him, or did he use his gift on her? Show us, maybe with even just one sentence, that they liked each other for more than just physical pleasure also—gives us motivation for an upscale virginal girl in her time to give her body to him. You're right. Even though we're in his POV, I need to make her motivations clear. It's not enough to tell the reader having him in her room was her idea, we need to know why. And no, he didn't "knack" her, though she tempts him sorely. Aidan's smart enough to know love isn't love if it isn't freely given.

This night was her idea, but a lady might change her mind at the last moment.

Loudly.
I liked this here for emphasis.
I find separating something out like this does work. The trick is not to do it too often.


Her lips were sweet.
And now we're at our 500 word limit.
Thanks for letting me swap places with you, Emily! (Mia for this story, please!) I can’t wait to read the rest of this story when it comes out! You have a great premise here and a unique a fresh hook—convict in love with the Commissioner’s daughter! Love it! There is bound to be ALL sorts of conflict to try and keep these two apart. I’m excited to see how you pull them through it all.

Thank you for your thoughtful critique, Eliza. It's hard to overestimate the value of a second (or third!) pair of eyes.

Mia's bio: Well, it's pretty much the same as Emily's except that Mia is the one who'll be writing for Kensington Brava, adding a dash of paranormal elements to her historicals. Watch for her debut in May 2011 with TOUCH OF A THIEF, followed by IMPROPER GENTLEMEN in July 2011. To find out more about Mia, please visit
MiaMarlowe.com
Mia's Blog
Mia on Facebook
Mia on Twitter

Red Pencil Thursday with Eliza Knight

Welcome to another edition of Red Pencil Thursday. And welcome Eliza Knight, published author, blogger extraordinaire and professional critiquer. This week Eliza is also our victim, er . . . volunteer.

When I sent a note out on my writer loops for volunteers, Eliza thought I was looking for a guest critiquer, so we decided that next week, we'll turn things about. She'll be back next Thursday with her critique of the first draft opening of my Mia Marlowe novella from IMPROPER GENTLEMEN.

But this week it's my turn to take a look at her medieval. My comments are in red, hers in purple. Please add yours to the bottom. A critique group is only as strong as all its members and if you're reading this, consider yourself part of the group! Every opinion is only one person's opinion, but please voice yours!

______________________________________________

England, 1415

The distant clang of metal on metal hung in the sky like music, before reaching Michael’s ears. His blood surged with power and lust for a good fight. He’d traveled nearly a month to reach this location. Shouts of pain and triumph floated in the air. He smiled.
I love this opening. You use a sense other than visual to show us something special about our hero's goal. Very fresh.
Thank you, Emily! That is very nice to hear.

England—home, from now on.

How long had he yearned to return to the place of his birth? Nearly twenty years. He couldn’t believe it had been that long, and yet at the same time the wait was unbearable. Although he’d called Ireland home for that long, he’d dreamt of returning. His goal since childhood had been to set foot permanently on English soil. Excitement filled his veins, his muscles flexed and un-flexed with his need to work them out. He took a deep breath. The air was different, dryer. There always seemed to be a mist in the air of Wexford.
I think I'd ditch the question and just state he'd longed to return for 20 years. And speaking of long, looks like you've got an echo here. Sometimes a word gets stuck in a writer's head and flows out our fingers multiple times. There's a mini echo with air in the last two sentences as well.
Lol, yes Michael does like the word long and air doesn’t he? It’s always great to have someone else read your work, since I’ve been over this passage 100 times and never caught that! Thanks! If I read my work aloud, the echoes ping a little louder and I can catch them.

Michael sighed, and gazed up at the sky. It was early in the morning. A few clouds hovered above, but other than that, it appeared the sun would shine for him today.

“Sir?” one of his squires, Colin, inquired.
Yay, Michael has someone to interact with! A canvas too empty of characters is a frequent problem I see in beginnings here on Red Pencil Thursday.
I too like the characters to interact with other people. I think it’s a great way to get some action, dialogue and more than just inner thoughts in there.
Internal thoughts and character ruminations are death to a scene.

“Prepare the tent,” he ordered. He turned toward the fields. “I’m going to the lists. Fletch, come with me.”

Blood pumping and his heart beating a battle tune, Michael urged his mount forward, his lead squire following. Nothing sent a thrill spiraling through him like a tournament. Although the real tourney games had yet to commence, the list fields were abuzz with knights training, squires running here and there. Roars of laughter could be heard from the crowds that watched all manners of entertainment. Bear-baiting, cock-fighting and boxing had all begun.
Multiple squires lets us know Michael is a man of pretty high rank. You've provided good details in setting this festive scene for us. Be careful not to use passive voice. Roars of laughter could be heard is weaker than The crowd roared with laughter.
Good point and great example!!! One of things I find often with my work is I have to go over passages two or three times to pick up on the passive stuff. I think my voice is naturally passive, so I have to work that much harder to make it active.

They reached the main field and dismounted. Michael and Fletch approached the men who were checking armorial bearings and pairing knights for the competition.

“My master, Sir Michael Devereux, wishes to join the list,” Fletch said.

“Devereux, eh? Son of Sir Lucas Devereux?” the balding older man asked. Grease stained the front of his tunic. His beard held the remainders of what looked like more than one meal. Was that a hunk of moldy cheese woven between the snarls? Red rimmed the man’s eyes, and his cheeks were ruddier than pig’s flesh. Dark crescent shaped shadows were smeared beneath his eyes. His sidekick, just as old, but not bald, didn’t fair much better, in fact he looked ready to keel over.
Vibrant description and very fresh. I've never seen ruddier than pig's flesh anywhere else. We read to be surprised and delighted. You're off to a great start. Sidekick tickles my ear as too modern for a medieval. Sure enough. When I checked my online etymology source, it tagged this word as a 1906 invention.
Ruddier than pigs flesh is pretty good huh? It came to me actually from that movie, Babe, while watching it with my daughter, one the characters who kind of looked like a pig had very ruddy skin, more so than her little piggy!

Thanks for the tip on sidekick. I looked up other words, and cohort, was established around 1475… I could use it since it was close enough, or just go with companion…


Michael suppressed the urge to sneer at their disheveled appearances. Apparently the men were enjoying this tourney quite a bit already. Normally, Michael would cheer them on, but his mood was soured as the reason for his being here came to the forefront of his mind.
Watch how often you use -ly words. Here we have two sentences beginning adverbs. Specific nouns and descriptive verbs make for stronger prose.
“ly” words are my enemy!
Repeat after me: "Adverbs are of the devil."

“Aye.”
It's been a while since the men asked Michael a question. You might think about having his answer refer back to it. "Aye, Sir Lucas is my sire."
I’m glad you pointed this out, because it was actually something I had thought of, and now that you’re saying it, you’ve confirmed my thoughts!

The men nodded. “You’ll be jousting at mid-day. If you do not arrive at the list fields on time, you will be disqualified.”

He bit back a retort. He was no fledgling. Michael twisted his neck from side to side, trying to ease the tension that made his muscles stiffen. “I understand.”

“Today is the joust, tomorrow—” The man actually swayed in his chair and had to grip the table to catch his bearings. His partner laughed aloud, causing himself to almost topple over.
I really like this beginning. The contrast between your hero and the people he meets is stark. We like Michael for his seriousness of purpose and yet, I get the sense that jousting is not going to satisfy him long. Thanks for letting me take a look at it, Eliza!
Thank you so much Emily for your critique, advice and suggestions, and for allowing me to come on Red Pencil Thursday! This was a lot of fun! Everything you’ve said will really help to make the opening of my story much stronger, and I can use your suggestions for the rest of the manuscript as well!

Eliza's bio:

Eliza Knight is the author of several historical romance and time travel erotic romance novellas. She is also a professional critiquer and presents workshops to writers on craft, research and history. Coming soon--Eliza writes historical fiction under the name Michelle Brandon. Visit Eliza at http://www.elizaknight.com/, http://www.historyundressed.blogspot.com/ or http://www.authormichellebrandon.com/.

Thanks for stopping in, everyone. Be sure to leave a comment or question for Eliza today!