Red Pencil Thursday with Mia Marlowe

Ok, that's a trick title for this post because I am Mia Marlowe. It's my new pen name for my upcoming books with Kensington publishing. I'm under contract for 3 novels and a novella. The Mia books are a little different from Emily's since I'm adding a sparkle of magic to the stories.

This is from the rough draft of my novella for IMPROPER GENTLEMEN, an anthology with Diane Whiteside and Maggie Robinson. Eliza Knight, who is a professional critiquer, has given this the once over for me. Her comments are in red and my responses are in purple. I'd love to hear what you think too, so please leave a comment!

IMPROPER GENTLEMEN ~ A Knack for Trouble

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on.”--Shakespeare, The Tempest

1827
Royal Navy Docks, Bermuda

Chapter 1

If ever there was a night to be blessed by the Knack, it was this one. Aidan Danaher didn’t use it often, but his gift of being able to misdirect a mind certainly came in handy as he stolen past one guard after another. No one saw him leave the ship or enter the British fortress through a dry man-sized drain in the sea wall.
This was a nice opening hook, I’m definitely intrigued! I want to know what the Knack is! One thought though, I was under the impression since we’re at the docks that the Knack was a ship, and then after we realize he has gift for mind manipulation, I realized it meant his power. “Stolen” should be “stole” or have the he before it “he’d stolen”.
Oh! I hadn't thought about the possible confusion with a ship name for the Knack. I need to be more clear. Would it help for it not to capitalized? The stolen happened when I Xed the 'd and didn't alter my verb. I need to be careful when I make changes that everything in the sentence still works. Good catch!

It had been a simple matter to climb up the masonry and iron of the Commissioner’s House. He knew where every finger and toe hold was. He’d helped build the blasted thing, after all, and cursed every stone of it.
I wonder if you’d consider starting this paragraph with a stronger word? Maybe: “Climbing up the masonry and iron of the Commissioner’s House had been a simple matter.” I know starting with an “ing” is not necessary strong, but it is stronger than “It had been.”
Hmmm... let me think about that. I try to avoid "ing" when I can.

But not this night.
Because something exciting is happening!

Aidan ducked from the wide second floor veranda into the tall open window, leaving the balmy Bermudian night behind. The thick-walled house was cool and kissed by a soft breeze. A far cry from the airless convict ship tied up down at the wharf.
So he’s a bad boy? Intriguing! This is also a great way to show us our scenery, I feel like I can see it, feel the air on my skin. I wonder, is there a candle lit or a fire? Or a sliver or full moon? What is the lighting like?
Good idea and it shouldn't take more than a sentence. With a novella, my challenge is always to keep the manscript trim enough to fit into the 30-35K word count restraints. Descriptions seem like a logical place to go lean, but I also don't want to shortchange my reader's experience. It's a delicate balance.

Rosalinde was there, waiting just inside her window as she promised she’d be. She was just as he’d dreamed, her long chestnut hair unbound, flowing over her virginal nightshift like a wanton mantle. Her bare toes peeped from beneath her lacy hem, curling with nervousness.
I like the contrast of wanton and virginal—and we can see she is more virginal, with the curling of her toes. “was there, waiting” is passive, suggest saying something a little more active like, “Rosalinde stood just inside her window as she’d promised.” Also, since “just” was used in the previous sentence, try to get rid of it. “She was exactly as he’d dreamed…”
Once I get the manuscript finished, I hit the "find" function to look for my bugaboos: just, almost, even, very, still--little filler words that become my writer's tick. Thanks for catching these.

“We must be quiet,” she whispered.
Do their gazes met? Show us their longing for each other.
Oh, yes! I need to establish a stronger connection here.

Aidan caught both her fidgety hands and brought them to his lips for a kiss. “Aye, lass. Quiet as ever we can.”
I like their dialogue, its sensual and filled with promise.
Thank you.

He wasn’t keen on being strung up by His Majesty’s Royal Navy for this night’s work. But one look at her wide eyes and trembling mouth convinced him she just might be worth it.

Aidan bent to kiss her, tasting her lips with gentleness, careful not to spook her.
I like seeing his gentle side.
Fair warning, it doesn't last long. Their passion ignites white-hot in another page.

For months, they’d danced around this moment. As elected leader of the Irish convicts building the public works at Royal Dock, he’d been ushered in weekly to see the commissioner, Rosalinde’s father, to air grievances or suggest improvements that would speed the work. Commissioner Burke had warmed to him, thanks to the Knack, and when Rosalinde needed a groom for her new Thoroughbred gelding, Aidan was taken off the grueling chain gang hauling stone and put to work in the stables.
Previously, the Knack had both words underlined, I would keep it consistent. Also, this last sentence is pretty long—and has a passive “had”. I think you could break it up, maybe like this: “Commissioner Burke warmed to him, thanks to the Knack. When Rosalinde needed a groom for her new Thoroughbred gelding…”
The way the manuscript is formatted, I have to underline the words I want italicized for the typesetter. I think I should go just with the Knack itself italicized without the "the." But either way, you're right. It has to be uniform. Oh, yes, I tend to have sentences that waffle on from one clause to the next, blossoming into virtual paragraphs on their own. I always have to go back and chop them up later.

He had as easy a way with horseflesh as he did with people, so it was a simple matter to convince Rosalinde he could help her refine her dressage technique. She never realized the wicked beast’s princely manners were due more to Aidan’s Knack than to her improved riding skills.
I like this, it gives us little more information about his power.
The beginning of a story is such a tricky time. There's so much groundwork to lay in such an short amount of space. I'm hoping to tease my readers a bit here so they'll wonder what Aidan can actually do with the Knack.

He stole a kiss from Rose within a few days. In a few weeks, she allowed him to caress her breasts through her stiff riding habit. They drove each other mad by inches, a little more daring each day. Always in danger of discovery, always with only moments to savor their sweet wickedness.
Did she kiss him back and allow this because she wanted him, or did he use his gift on her? Show us, maybe with even just one sentence, that they liked each other for more than just physical pleasure also—gives us motivation for an upscale virginal girl in her time to give her body to him. You're right. Even though we're in his POV, I need to make her motivations clear. It's not enough to tell the reader having him in her room was her idea, we need to know why. And no, he didn't "knack" her, though she tempts him sorely. Aidan's smart enough to know love isn't love if it isn't freely given.

This night was her idea, but a lady might change her mind at the last moment.

Loudly.
I liked this here for emphasis.
I find separating something out like this does work. The trick is not to do it too often.


Her lips were sweet.
And now we're at our 500 word limit.
Thanks for letting me swap places with you, Emily! (Mia for this story, please!) I can’t wait to read the rest of this story when it comes out! You have a great premise here and a unique a fresh hook—convict in love with the Commissioner’s daughter! Love it! There is bound to be ALL sorts of conflict to try and keep these two apart. I’m excited to see how you pull them through it all.

Thank you for your thoughtful critique, Eliza. It's hard to overestimate the value of a second (or third!) pair of eyes.

Mia's bio: Well, it's pretty much the same as Emily's except that Mia is the one who'll be writing for Kensington Brava, adding a dash of paranormal elements to her historicals. Watch for her debut in May 2011 with TOUCH OF A THIEF, followed by IMPROPER GENTLEMEN in July 2011. To find out more about Mia, please visit
MiaMarlowe.com
Mia's Blog
Mia on Facebook
Mia on Twitter

Red Pencil Thursday with Darcy Carson

Please welcome Darcy Carson, my critique partner from Seattle. Even when I moved away from Seattle, she stuck with me, e-critiquing and giving me appropriate kicks in the rear when I needed it. I can honestly say without the help and encouragement of this fantastic woman, I would not be published. And I'm not the only writer she's helped. NYTimes Bestseller Elizabeth Boyle has sat at Darcy's kitchen table and Darcy was the founder of Eastside RWA, the chapter that really set my feet on the right writing path.

Darcy and I are used to tough love from each other and she knows that this is a smorgasbord. She'll take what she likes and leave the rest. My comments on Darcy's paranormal are in red. Her responses are in purple. Please add yours at the end. ;-)

ALL ABOUT MAGIC
I like this title because it fits the story well. Since Darcy's been my crit partner, I know a little more about where it's going. Her heroine is a witch sent by a magic policing organization to investigate the hero, who may or may not be dabbling in weather magic. It's an inventive premise and sets Darcy's characters in conflict even as they are drawn to each other.

Chapter One

Was he causing this terrible storm?
I'd love to see a stronger first sentence. Asking a direct question is a gamble because the reader doesn't know enough to care about the answer yet. We don't yet know who he is or why he thinks he might be powerful enough to cause a storm. Maybe a little involuntary dialogue from the hero when lightning strikes near him?
I like the idea of internal dialogue. Maybe something along the lines of: He hated his weather WynnCasts. They might be accurate predications, but he couldn’t control them.
I didn't mean internal. I meant involuntary, like Brax swearing at the weather or something.

The answer frightened Braxton Wynn, lead meteorologist for KIDU TV on Channel 3.
Yesterday on the evening news, when he’d delivered his WynnCast predicting torrential rainfall, Brax had known they didn’t always hold true. But the compulsion to forecast always proved so overwhelming, he couldn’t resist. He never could.
Ok, I've said several times not to start with the weather unless the hero is a meteorologist, but by golly, that's what Darcy has here. So in this case, a weather beginning can work. You've given us a hint that he has a special skill when it comes to weather by mentioning the compulsion he feels when he forecasts. However, I really don't want the first thing I learn about my hero to be that he's afraid. Could he feel something else?
I’ve heard the ‘rule’ not to start with weather, but wasn’t sure how to overcome that problem. At least I didn’t start with ‘It was a dark and stormy night’. I agree about the ‘afraid’ bit. Deep down Brax is probably angry that it has happened again.
Since your hero is a meterologist, you have a free pass on the no weather beginning rule! ;-)

And the rains came.

Now, another urge—stranger, stronger, more compelling—rose within him as he listened to the breaking news of serious flooding south of Seattle. He had to see the damage with his own eyes.
I know sometimes people are looky-loos when it comes to disasters, but I've never thought it seemed like a smart thing to do. Can we give him a better motivation than curiosity? Maybe if he thought he caused it, he might be able to stop it? That would be walking the hero's path.
Dang, Emily, you hit the nail on the head here. My little pea brain didn’t follow through. He drove to Orting to see if he could stop the storm by being in the middle of it.

Three-quarters of an hour later, he turned his truck off the interstate toward Orting, a little town tucked beneath the shadow of Mt. Rainer. For several miles, he followed signs for the designated lahar evacuation route, in case the mountain erupted and a lava or mud flow inundated the valley. At last he reached Orting where the worst of the flooding was being reported.
What's lahar? Is it something most people know that I don't? We've got a bit of a problem because Brax is by himself with no one to talk to. Could he have the radio on and hear a recording of his own voice giving his WynnCast? And then maybe tell himself to shut up or something? I'd like to see dialogue of some kind here. Listening to someone talk is a great to get to know them and we want to know Brax.
A lahar is an Indian word and is actually printed on the evacuation signs. I do like the idea of the radio being on. And I need dialogue much sooner than I currently have. That will solve the problem.
When we were in Seattle, we lived right downtown. We didn't drive all that much then, so I guess I missed those signs. Is the word capitalized on them?

Clouds gave way as he drove the two blocks to the end of town before realizing he’d missed his turn. He pulled a U-turn and looked at the sky that had been behind him; pockets of blue sky taunted him from above. Within minutes the storm had vanished, leaving a soggy disaster in its wake.
Pockets of blue sky. Very fresh. So did he actually cause the storm to dissipate? Or think he may have? It would be ok to let us have a peek inside his head here.
Actually we are in the eye of the storm, but you don’t learn that until later through the heroine’s POV.

Driving over a two-lane bridge, he glanced out the truck’s window at the Puyallup River, filled with raging water, dirty foam, and uprooted trees.
Very clear imagery.
Yeah, I got something right!
You get a lot right, Darcy!

A dorsal fin split the torrent. That couldn’t be a dolphin.

Braxton shook his head to clear his vision. The image didn’t change. A sleek, gray, bullet-shaped animal dipped and swam in the strong current.

Impossible. River dolphins didn’t exist in Washington.
I know what the dolphin signifies because I've seen parts of this story before. I'm trying to read it as if I don't know and this passage comes across as a little confusing. A reader wouldn't be able to puzzle out why it's there or what it means. I'd drop it for now.
Not sure I agree with you on this, Emily. Gotta think about it.
That's ok. This is what I mean when I say RPT is a smorgasbord. What I share is only one person's opinion. The author is the only one who can tell her story, and ultimately is the only one who can decide how it should be told.

He felt that strange compulsion again, that same impulse to drive here. At the far end of bridge he pulled over and parked on the shoulder. Even as he watched, water spilled over an elevated levy and began to surround an old white house nestled next to the bridge, just below him.
Can his compulsion have a physical manifestation? A twinge in his shoulder or a tingle of some sort? Maybe a soft humming when he gets where he's supposed to be? If he's being led by magic of some sort, I'd like it to have a magical feel.
Oh, I like this suggestion, especially the humming that reminds him of a chant.

Brax spotted a lone woman in a bright yellow rain jacket, looking like a Gloucester fisherman, running along the jagged top of the levy. One of her rubber boots stuck in the gooey muck between the rocks. He jumped out of his truck just as she lost her balance on the slick rocks, her arms flailing like a windmill. With a sharp scream that carried over the thunder of millions of gallons of debris-filled water, she fell and disappeared from sight.
Ok, this is where it gets exciting. We've got another person for Brax to interact with. This needs to come sooner. If you start the story with him already in the truck driving through the slanting rain, he could get here much quicker.

A quick word about tightening your prose. Angela James, editor for Carina Press says not every noun deserves an adjective. Jacket has 8 words to support it in your text.
Instead of:
Brax spotted a lone woman in a bright yellow rain jacket, looking like a Gloucester fisherman, running along the jagged top of the levy.
How about:
Brax spotted a woman in a Gloucester fisherman jacket running along the top of the levy.

When action is high, word count should be low. Shorter sentences read faster and communicate urgency.

“Hang on,” he cried. Could she even hear him?
I'd cut Could she even hear him? It's not necessary.
Great editing, Emily. Wish I had thought of this myself.

Racing down the driveway, he leaped a toppled lawn chair and double-timed between scattered trash cans. Pale hands clung to the boulders as unrelenting water twisted and pulled her body. He snagged the hapless woman below the wrist.
Love the action here, especially double-timed. The author's goal is always to surprise and delight our readers with our word choices. A fresh way to express what's happening will keep readers reading.
I agree with you about word choices. Sometimes the words are something we hear everyday and sometimes they just pop into our heads.

“Wynn?” cried Katrina Bishop, KIDU’s newest assistant producer.
Since he knows her, instead of giving us her name in a dialogue tag, why not have it explode out Brax's mouth? That way you show us he's shocked to find her here instead of telling us.
Good point. And an easy fix.

“In the flesh.” He was shocked to find a co-worker here, and how cold and wet her skin felt. His hand began to slip and he lost his grip. Scrambling, he caught her again.
If there's a way to move this action to the beginning of the story, I think you'll have a stronger start. The hero's trying to do something heroic and we like him for it.
I agree wholeheartedly with you, Emily.
It's been a while since I saw any of MAGIC. Thanks for letting me take a crack at it, my friend.

Darcy's bio---Darcy Carson is published in romantic comedy. She founded RWA's Eastside Romance Writers and is on the the board of Pacific Northwest Writers Association where she chairs the annual literary contest. She writes high fantasy with dragons trying to re-establish themselves on a planet where they'd been destroyed thousands of years before and paranormal contemporary with witches who work for the magic police.

Website: http://www.darcycarson.com/

Now it's your turn to add your voice to the critique group. What suggestions or encouragements do you have for Darcy?

Red Pencil Thursday with Anna Bowling

Our volunteer today is Anna Bowling, author of postapocalyptic medieval romances (try saying that three times fast!) She's a hard worker who gets excited about good rejections--a perfect candidate for Red Pencil Thursday. A writer needs a teachable spirit and a willingness to try different options.

My comments are in red. Anna's responses are in purple. Please add your comments and suggestions as well.


_________________________________
DRAPERWOOD

The point of a title is to give the reader a hint about what's to come. A draper was a cloth merchant/weaver and the term first surfaced in the 14th century, so it has a medieval feel. However, if this a postapocalyptic story, this title doesn't convey any sense of danger or "other-ness." I wonder if anyone has a suggestion that will juice the title up a bit?
Title suggestions are very much welcome. This is a road story, with Draperwood being the name of a haven that may or may not exist.
Maybe something with Quest in it or Return or Finding

CHAPTER ONE
England, 1361

John de Warre needed nobody and nobody needed him. That fact gave him some measure of comfort, enough to keep him moving through one day after the next. He rode toward the town, or the remains of the town, weary in body and soul and with absolutely no illusions that it would afford him the rest he needed. For too many days, he’d ridden beneath the elements, his packs and stomach far from full. If it weren't for the horse, he would have stopped and in time, death would find him.


John de Warre--terrific name. You've introduces us to an archetypal hero--The Loner. We like John because even though he "needed nobody" he has a care for his horse.

I’m glad John’s name works. Finding the right name for a character lets me grab onto them. He is a loner, but he’s not beyond hope if he’s considering the horse’s needs.

He did not fear death for himself. He would not seek it, but he would not flee it either. A moment's ignorance could do it. A sudden storm if there were no shelter. Or running afoul of bandits who might be anywhere, even more desperate for the little he carried than he was himself. Starvation could do it, or thirst, or sheer exhaustion blinding him to a wrong step that could lead to a fatal fall. He'd seen death come even quicker than that, a second’s inattention in battle, or a single boil heralding a fever that could empty a house or a town in less than a week.

Things like that could empty a life as well. They had emptied his. No use whining about that. All he could count on were his own strong arm, keen eye and enough intelligence to know that those were valuable tools.


Ok. Now I'm depressed. There are a few too many ways to die enumerated here and none of them mean much to John except the fever. That's the only one we need to know about, because it impacted our hero.

Good point. Establishing a bleak atmosphere is one thing; depressing readers is another. Sticking to what matters most keeps the focus where it belongs. The death list goes.

His dry tongue rasped and stuck against the roof of his mouth. He didn’t regret giving the horse the last of his water, even if it meant his own thirst.


Have you ever been truly thirsty? In addition to the symptoms you listed here, a person's esophagus dries out, making it almost impossible to swallow. Fatigue, muscle cramps, headache, nausea, increased heart rate, the list goes on. He just touted his own intelligence. Giving the horse the last of his water doesn't demonstate it. Even though he likes his horse, he'd regret it, I promise you.

Smacking myself in the head here. I have had experience with dehydration (heat stroke, oh so fun) so this is a good chance to draw on that. John might still end up giving the horse the water, but he would regret it.

A compassionate gesture, some might call it, but for John it was a practical one. A dead horse would attract bandits, and once they were done picking the carcass clean, they would follow his trail, better nourished and better equipped than a lone man on foot. Death by bandits would be his last choice. There were better ways.

There's a logic problem here. If they butcher the horse, the bandits would be there a while. Long enough for John to reach the town even on foot... provided dehydration doesn't get him.

That sounds a lot more logical, and more John-like. He might take into consideration that the bandits would need time to butcher the horse, and they can’t do that and chase him, but how far would he get without water?

Starvation and disease would require the least effort on his part, and he’d seen their effectiveness. Trouble was, they took too long and he’d had enough of the pain and desperation either would bring. His knife had a long, sharp blade, good for hunting and dressing the meat. He’d heated it over a fire and cauterized his own wounds with it. If he had no other options, he could draw it across his own throat and be done with it all, but unless he had no other choice, he wouldn’t take his own life outside a city, or the remains of one.

I'm afraid you're spending too long on ways to die. I'd rather know more about why John is considering it in such minute detail. The best hook a writer can set is an emotional one. John is indifferent about death. If he doesn't care, we won't either. Give us a hint of what's driving him forward and we'll follow.

The death list definitely gets cut. His preoccupation with death comes from a desire to be with his wife and their child again, having lost his family in the plague, which wars with his sense of honor and his faith that tells him actively taking his own life is wrong. Which would be much more interesting than listing ways death might find him.
Now you have my complete attention. We love wounded heroes. And a hero who has loved deeply can love again, if he lets himself. The journey back to a full life can mirror his journey to Draperwood.

His eyes scanned the horizon for signs of life, his ears pricked for any hints of sounds of the living. Voices, maybe, or turning wheels. A dog’s bark. The cluck of chickens. Anything that wasn’t the wind. Then he heard the bell.

Good sensory details. When you write historicals, purists will ding you for using words that sound too modern. Scanned leaped out at me, so I checked with the Etymology Dictionary. It was in use during the 14th century, but it meant to "mark off by foot" not to look at intently. It was another 100 years before it meant that. So you're close here, but to my ears it still sounds too modern for a medieval. How about "His gaze swept..."? Notice I changed the eyes to gaze because I have a thing about roaming body parts. We don't want his eyes going anywhere.
Thanks much. His eyes stay in his head and his gaze can do the sweeping. Will add the Etymology Dictionary to my resources.

The bell! Aline dropped her mending and whirled to grab her shawl from the peg by the door.

You have a gift for selecting evocative details, but because your hero is alone, we're left only with internal dialogue and no conflict.

I'd like to suggest that you've started this story in the wrong place. As it stands, we have John by himself, ruminating over ways to die. However, the bell signals something is about to happen. That's were the story should start since I suspect John and Aline are shortly going to meet because of the bell. That's where you should begin. There will be dialogue and conflicting goals between the two characters.
That’s definitely something to consider. John and Aline do meet shortly after the bell sounds, and its sounding indicates something other than what Aline thinks it does.

This is a common problem. I chopped 12 pages from the beginning of ERINSONG, my second novel. It was like I was clearing my throat trying to get the story started. But nothing is ever wasted on a writer. Because you've written this, you know a lot about John's state of mind. However, the author always needs to know more than she shares. When he meets Aline, there will be opportunity to pepper in how he's feeling about life and death.
Very good point. Not everything we know about a character needs to go in the actual story, and choosing the right bits to use when introducing the character can make a big difference.

Thanks for letting me take a look at DRAPERWOOD.

Thank you for the opportunity. Now I’m even more excited about digging in and revising.

The whole point of a critique is to find new ways to think about our work, new directions our story might take, fresh ways of presenting our ideas. If I gave you something to think about, I'm delighted.

My bio: Anna Carrasco Bowling has finally found a way to make the voices in her head pay rent. Currently living with her real life hero in the Northeast US, she spends her days plotting world domination...okay, time travel and historical romance that takes the dark road to happily ever after.

Anna's blog: annacbowling.blogspot.com

Ok, it's time for you to add your suggestions and encouragement for Anna. I look forward to reading your comments.

Red Pencil Thursday with . . . Myself!

It's Thursday and I'm without a volunteer for our online critique, so I'm putting myself back in the hotseat. I'll be using the opening of my free online novella (which is posted on my website) as an example of how an author continues to tweak prose till the very last moment when it's time to turn the manuscript in.

My comments on the work are in red. Please feel free to add your catches in the comment section.

_____________________________________

A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS

I like this title. Since Sebastian only keeps his mistresses for a single season, it fits. And it's a bit of a play on 'A Man for All Seasons.' Because it has a ring of familiarity, it resonates. In fact, I may wish I'd saved it for one of my published works later!

"A woman, like a blooded hound or a fine steed, has a finite period of usefulness. When that time has run its course, a prudent man divests himself of the asset without regret." ~ A Gentleman’s Guide to Keeping a Mistress
The point of this pithy little vignette is to give readers a peek inside the ideas rolling around my hero's head. Not very good ideas, I'll grant, but the goal is to shock and provoke readers to keep going.

Chapter 1

His Grace, the Duke of Winterhaven settled into his private box as the house lighting dimmed and the gas footlights illuminated the Olympic’s red velvet curtain. Sebastian preferred to arrive late, usually aiming to miss most of the overture. It kept him from having to brush off those who would use a chance meeting at the opera as an excuse to curry favor.
My goal was to set the scene and introduce my hero in short order. By choosing details like private box, gas footlights, red velvet curtain, I've created a setting of priviledge and wealth at the theatre. In sharing why Sebastian preferred to arrive late, I've let readers know he's a very self-contained person, very private even in his pleasures. He relishes control.

Or ask for one.
Curry favor and ask for one is the same thing. I need to delete Or ask for one lest I be redundant and say the same thing twice. ;-)

“Rosalinde isn’t joining us?” his friend Neville Granger asked in a whisper as the orchestra began tuning up.
So Sebastian didn't arrive late as he preferred. His plans are already askew for the evening. I'm trying to telegraph that they'll be even more undone as the story unfolds. Also notice that I've dropped readers into the middle of the action with minimal explanation. If a reader wants to know who Rosalinde is, they have to keep reading.

“Her season has passed,” Sebastian said with a shrug. “We parted ways and she left with a generous pension.”
I could tighten this a bit. Instead of Sebastian said with a shrug I'll change it to Sebastian shrugged. When possible, it's good to substitute character action for dialogue tags.

Neville shook his head. “They don’t call you The Ice Duke for nothing.”
The Ice Duke encapsulates my hero's character. And yet because he has a friend like Neville, I hope readers will sense there is hope for Sebastian.

“Nonsense. Rosalinde knew exactly what to expect.” Sebastian was faithful and devoted to his mistresses, but he always dismissed them with the turn of each season and found a replacement. The rules were explained at the start. He never grew bored, and never had to end a relationship in anger or tearful recriminations. It was simply a function of the calendar, eminently logical, utterly civilized. “She has a new diamond necklace and I have my freedom, as per our agreement.”
Here's the nugget that explains the premise of the novella. Sebastian's well-ordered love life is about to be stood on its head. Do you dislike him a bit right now? That's ok. I've given him some growing room. Without character growth, we have no story.

Neville brought his quizzing glass to one eye and swept the crowd below them. “Someday, my friend, you’re going to meet a woman who can’t be bought.”
I haven't indicated a year or location for this story. Quizzing glass helps cement the historical feel. It's a specific detail that yields a solid reader impression. I'm not hinting any longer. In Neville's prediction, I've said outright that Sebastian is about to meet his match.

“On that day, I’ll give you a bottle of that expensive port you favor,” Sebastian said. “Provided you stop grumbling at me about it now. This is how I’ve ordered my life. Four times a year, I enjoy a brief chase and then give myself three months to enjoy my prize. Don’t spoil this part of the process for me by scolding like a fishwife.”
I'm tossing in a little more background information, but hopefully, because its set up as a minor squabble between friends, readers don't feel I'm using dialogue for exposition. There should always be "micro-tension" in fictional dialogue, meaning characters have a goal for the conversation which are at cross purposes with each other.

“Make it a case of port and we have a deal.”
The wager serves the same purpose as a ticking time bomb. It's a promise that something is going to happen. Hopefully readers will watch to see if I deliver on the promise and make him pay up. (I do. Check chapter 7.)

“Done.” Sebastian leaned back in his tufted seat, sure he’d never be called upon to make good that wager. (That's what he thinks!) “Now, tell me about this soprano you think I’d like.”

“Arabella St. George. Shh! Here she comes.”

Neville leaned forward so far, Sebastian feared he might tumble out of the box. Then his gaze flicked to the stage and he realized why.
A good way to make a character important is to show how others are affected by them. Because of Neville's reaction, Sebastian is set up to be "wowed" by her.

Normally Sebastian favored petite brunettes, but the footlights shot this woman’s long pale hair with strawberry highlights. Tall and willowy, with sharp, even features and luminous dark eyes, Arabella St. George possessed a fierce beauty.
She's not his type, but he's drawn to her nevertheless. By calling her a fierce beauty, I'm trying to prepare readers for an unconventional heroine. She's no blushing debutant, nervous over her come-out.

Sebastian didn’t consider himself the sort given to flights of fancy, but his imagination soared at the sight of her. She might be a changeling princess, offspring of the hollow hills. Or a pagan priestess demanding sacrifice. Or one of the three queens who bore King Arthur’s body to Avalon.
I could tighten here by taking out didn't consider himself and substituting wasn't. But if I want to convey that Sebastian has an inaccurate self-image, I should leave it as is.

Because I've set Sebastian up as a logical, controlling personality, this internal imagery is even stronger than it might have been otherwise. Sebastian may try to hide it with his rigidity and rules, but he has the soul of a poet.

Lord knows, he’d let her take his body anywhere she pleased.
I'm always looking for ways to flip words to make them show almost diametrical opposite meanings. I did it here with the comparison of Arthur's dead body with Sebastian's very much alive one. We want a hero with a healthy libido. Even in Sebastian's tightly controlled world, I wanted to hint that there will be a time when he's out of control.

____________________________________________

So that's the first 500 words of A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS. I welcome your suggestions. Did I miss a chance to make the prose work harder? If you haven't read my free novella, I invite you to do so. After you finish chapter 7, be sure to leave a suggestion for how you think the plot should advance through my Contest page. You'll be entered in the drawing to win a signed copy of STROKE OF GENIUS.

Also, if you'd like to see your first 500 words here in the coming weeks, please contact me through my website and I'll send you the details on how you can be on Red Pencil Thursday.

And as always, I appreciate it when you click on the little icon below to share this post with a friend via email, Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, or Google Buzz!

RT Convention or Online Mini-Con

Hi Everybody,

I'm going to be at the Romantic Times Convention all next week. Leaving this afternoon for Columbus to work with the Aspiring Writers program on Monday and Tuesday. It's always fun! Who else will be in Columbus? I hope to see you there.

If you're not going to RT, I've arranged a little online mini-conference for you on my blog with giveaways, craft workshops and some exciting news. Here's the schedule for www.emilybryan.blogspot.com :

Monday--Barbara Monajem and her SUNRISE IN THE GARDEN OF LOVE AND EVIL. Leave a comment for a chance to win!

Tuesday--Romance Legend Connie Mason and her first new title in two years LORD OF DEVIL ISLE! Leave a comment for a chance to win!

Wednesday--My Husband Married A Hooker, Part 1--I'm giving the Reader's Digest version of my writing hooks workshop.--Leave a comment for a chance to win!

Thursday--Red Pencil Thursday all the way from Cyprus. One of my regular commenters shares her WIP for a public scrubbing.

Friday--A New Direction for my Career--I've got some thrilling and terrifying news to share and hope you'll drop by.


I may not be able to comment through the week. You never know what the internet connection will be like when you travel, but I'll catch up with all the comments and questions when I return home on May 2nd.


Have a great week and
Happy Reading and Writing,
Emily

www.emilybryan.com
STROKE OF GENIUS, coming May 25th!