Where am I today?

Just a quick note to let you know what's up. This week, I'll be at my Mia Marlowe blog, spotlighting the finalists in Kensington's WRITING WITH THE STARS contest. Each of these aspiring writers is hoping to win your vote so they can advance to the next round of judging. The grand prize is a publishing contract, so the stakes are high for them.

If you haven't clicked to follow my Mia blog, I hope you will. Plans are in the works for a "moving party" later next month as I shift everything to that blog. I've loved having you here. I love getting to know you and look forward to your comments. I thank you so much for being a part of my writing as Emily. I appreciate you for bearing with me as I make this transition. Hope you'll enjoy my Mia Marlowe books too.

Flinging the Manuscript to the World

Since I don't have a Red Pencil Thursday volunteer for the online critique group this week, I thought I'd share a bit about what to do once the story is finished. Unless you're writing strictly for theraputic reasons.

"Manuscript: something submitted in haste, and returned at leisure."
~Oliver Herford

It's done. It's as good as you can make it. You've polished it within an inch of its life. You've walked around with these characters in your head for months, maybe years, and now finally, you've typed the two most beautiful words in the English language.

THE END.

But it's not quite the end, is it? I mean, there it is, all 400 glorious pages of it. All your blood, sweat and tears reduced to ink on wood pulp and it's just sitting there waiting for you to do the thing that requires even more courage than writing in the first place.

You must submit it.

Where to start? Do your homework. Which publishing houses already publish works that are similar to yours? Check out their websites for submission guidelines. Are there any publisher sponsored contests you can enter?

Find a published author who writes in your sub-genre and check out her acknowledgements page or her website. Did she list her editor? Her agent? These are people who might also be interested in you.

If you're very trepidacious, dabble your toes in the water by entering a few contests. Target contests with editors as judges. Check the RWR for contests where the final judges are agents or editors you think would be a good match for your work.  

If you want a writing career, you will want an agent at some point. Several major houses do not accept unagented submissions.

So ask for recommendations, check the websites, query some of their clients (most reputable agents list their clients on their websites) and if you like what you hear, follow the submission guidelines on their website to the letter and submit. This involves a query letter, probably a partial (first 3 chapters) and synopsis. If the agent accepts simultaneous submissions, let them know if you are submitting elsewhere. That's just good manners.

Expect to wait. For a long time. You may, after a few weeks, call or write or email to inquire whether your submission was received. Do not badger them into a decision because I promise it will be no. If an agent decides he/she loves your work (yes, I used the "L" word. You don't want an agent who's lukewarm about you) they will make an offer of representation. If you still want them to represent you, sign an agreement.

But a word of warning. You're getting into financial bed with this person. No agent is far better than the wrong agent. Be wary. Once a publisher pays your agent, their responsibility is fulfilled. All your writing income will be funneled through your agent. Make sure you've signed with someone whose financial house is in order and whose ethics are spotless.

If you receive an offer directly from a publisher, do not scream orgasmically, "Yes, oh, yes, I'll take anything." Calmly thank them and ask if you can have a few days to secure representation. They'll respect you for it. Then you can scream once you hang up. And call the agent of your dreams. While a reputable agent prefers to be involved in the projects they represent from its inception, you will get an agent with an offer on the table. Again, make sure it's the right one.

While you're waiting to sell, your job is to start the next project. Once you receive an offer, the publisher's 2nd question is always "What else have you got?" You want to have an answer ready.

Good luck!

I'd be happy to answer any questions about submissions and if I don't know I'll try to point you to someone who does.

I'm also blogging at Mia Marlowe's blog about The Road Not Taken today. Love to see you there too!

 

When is Hopelessly Bad Outrageously Good?

When it gets you tons of free publicity.

That's what happened this week to Carina Press author Susannah Fraser. I'm blogging about her hilarious brand of anti-marketing at The Chatelaines today. Hope you'll join me there!

Getting a Facelift

No, not me, silly. I figure I've earned the face I have, but my website and blog could certainly use some updating. It's been awhile since my colors and header were tweaked. While I'm terrified of painting my walls something other than white, I'm totally ok with changing the look of my online home.

My critique partner, Ashlyn Chase, has volunteered to bring a brush if I ever screw up my courage enough to tackle painting. And I got a similar offer I couldn't refuse from one of my online buddies. JennJ, a frequent commenter here, is a graphic designer and owns Sapphire Designs. She graciously offered to design a new banner for me.



Of course, that means I'll be changing some of the other colors to go with the new look. And I'm stressing over which of the colors in the new banner to pull out. (It's the whole panic over painting again.) I tend to gravitate toward the darker shades, but I wonder if lighter would fit the tone of my work better.

So I'm enlisting your help deciding on a background color. Here's the new banner:



Bet you recognize part of the Vexing the Viscount cover in there. And here are some possible color schemes to go with it:

The burnt orange certainly pops.



But before things fade to black in the upper right corner, there's a deep plum that's rich looking.





If I want a softer look, I could go a shade lighter with a dusky plum.



And if I really want to shake things up, going ultra light with a yellow/gold would brighten the palette considerably.



A softer shade of orange might also give the site a lighter feel.



And I couldn't resist trying to pull out the wine of Daisy's lovely gown.


Decisions, decisions . . . Help me choose! Or do you have a suggestion for a difference background color to pull out? (Excuse me while I bury my head in my hands and sigh. The possibilities are overwhelming!)

Which one do you like best?

And of course, if you have a friend with terrific color sense, please email them the link with the handy little gizmo at the bottom of the post. I need all the help I can get!

Red Pencil Thursday with . . . Myself!

It's Thursday and I'm without a volunteer for our online critique, so I'm putting myself back in the hotseat. I'll be using the opening of my free online novella (which is posted on my website) as an example of how an author continues to tweak prose till the very last moment when it's time to turn the manuscript in.

My comments on the work are in red. Please feel free to add your catches in the comment section.

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A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS

I like this title. Since Sebastian only keeps his mistresses for a single season, it fits. And it's a bit of a play on 'A Man for All Seasons.' Because it has a ring of familiarity, it resonates. In fact, I may wish I'd saved it for one of my published works later!

"A woman, like a blooded hound or a fine steed, has a finite period of usefulness. When that time has run its course, a prudent man divests himself of the asset without regret." ~ A Gentleman’s Guide to Keeping a Mistress
The point of this pithy little vignette is to give readers a peek inside the ideas rolling around my hero's head. Not very good ideas, I'll grant, but the goal is to shock and provoke readers to keep going.

Chapter 1

His Grace, the Duke of Winterhaven settled into his private box as the house lighting dimmed and the gas footlights illuminated the Olympic’s red velvet curtain. Sebastian preferred to arrive late, usually aiming to miss most of the overture. It kept him from having to brush off those who would use a chance meeting at the opera as an excuse to curry favor.
My goal was to set the scene and introduce my hero in short order. By choosing details like private box, gas footlights, red velvet curtain, I've created a setting of priviledge and wealth at the theatre. In sharing why Sebastian preferred to arrive late, I've let readers know he's a very self-contained person, very private even in his pleasures. He relishes control.

Or ask for one.
Curry favor and ask for one is the same thing. I need to delete Or ask for one lest I be redundant and say the same thing twice. ;-)

“Rosalinde isn’t joining us?” his friend Neville Granger asked in a whisper as the orchestra began tuning up.
So Sebastian didn't arrive late as he preferred. His plans are already askew for the evening. I'm trying to telegraph that they'll be even more undone as the story unfolds. Also notice that I've dropped readers into the middle of the action with minimal explanation. If a reader wants to know who Rosalinde is, they have to keep reading.

“Her season has passed,” Sebastian said with a shrug. “We parted ways and she left with a generous pension.”
I could tighten this a bit. Instead of Sebastian said with a shrug I'll change it to Sebastian shrugged. When possible, it's good to substitute character action for dialogue tags.

Neville shook his head. “They don’t call you The Ice Duke for nothing.”
The Ice Duke encapsulates my hero's character. And yet because he has a friend like Neville, I hope readers will sense there is hope for Sebastian.

“Nonsense. Rosalinde knew exactly what to expect.” Sebastian was faithful and devoted to his mistresses, but he always dismissed them with the turn of each season and found a replacement. The rules were explained at the start. He never grew bored, and never had to end a relationship in anger or tearful recriminations. It was simply a function of the calendar, eminently logical, utterly civilized. “She has a new diamond necklace and I have my freedom, as per our agreement.”
Here's the nugget that explains the premise of the novella. Sebastian's well-ordered love life is about to be stood on its head. Do you dislike him a bit right now? That's ok. I've given him some growing room. Without character growth, we have no story.

Neville brought his quizzing glass to one eye and swept the crowd below them. “Someday, my friend, you’re going to meet a woman who can’t be bought.”
I haven't indicated a year or location for this story. Quizzing glass helps cement the historical feel. It's a specific detail that yields a solid reader impression. I'm not hinting any longer. In Neville's prediction, I've said outright that Sebastian is about to meet his match.

“On that day, I’ll give you a bottle of that expensive port you favor,” Sebastian said. “Provided you stop grumbling at me about it now. This is how I’ve ordered my life. Four times a year, I enjoy a brief chase and then give myself three months to enjoy my prize. Don’t spoil this part of the process for me by scolding like a fishwife.”
I'm tossing in a little more background information, but hopefully, because its set up as a minor squabble between friends, readers don't feel I'm using dialogue for exposition. There should always be "micro-tension" in fictional dialogue, meaning characters have a goal for the conversation which are at cross purposes with each other.

“Make it a case of port and we have a deal.”
The wager serves the same purpose as a ticking time bomb. It's a promise that something is going to happen. Hopefully readers will watch to see if I deliver on the promise and make him pay up. (I do. Check chapter 7.)

“Done.” Sebastian leaned back in his tufted seat, sure he’d never be called upon to make good that wager. (That's what he thinks!) “Now, tell me about this soprano you think I’d like.”

“Arabella St. George. Shh! Here she comes.”

Neville leaned forward so far, Sebastian feared he might tumble out of the box. Then his gaze flicked to the stage and he realized why.
A good way to make a character important is to show how others are affected by them. Because of Neville's reaction, Sebastian is set up to be "wowed" by her.

Normally Sebastian favored petite brunettes, but the footlights shot this woman’s long pale hair with strawberry highlights. Tall and willowy, with sharp, even features and luminous dark eyes, Arabella St. George possessed a fierce beauty.
She's not his type, but he's drawn to her nevertheless. By calling her a fierce beauty, I'm trying to prepare readers for an unconventional heroine. She's no blushing debutant, nervous over her come-out.

Sebastian didn’t consider himself the sort given to flights of fancy, but his imagination soared at the sight of her. She might be a changeling princess, offspring of the hollow hills. Or a pagan priestess demanding sacrifice. Or one of the three queens who bore King Arthur’s body to Avalon.
I could tighten here by taking out didn't consider himself and substituting wasn't. But if I want to convey that Sebastian has an inaccurate self-image, I should leave it as is.

Because I've set Sebastian up as a logical, controlling personality, this internal imagery is even stronger than it might have been otherwise. Sebastian may try to hide it with his rigidity and rules, but he has the soul of a poet.

Lord knows, he’d let her take his body anywhere she pleased.
I'm always looking for ways to flip words to make them show almost diametrical opposite meanings. I did it here with the comparison of Arthur's dead body with Sebastian's very much alive one. We want a hero with a healthy libido. Even in Sebastian's tightly controlled world, I wanted to hint that there will be a time when he's out of control.

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So that's the first 500 words of A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS. I welcome your suggestions. Did I miss a chance to make the prose work harder? If you haven't read my free novella, I invite you to do so. After you finish chapter 7, be sure to leave a suggestion for how you think the plot should advance through my Contest page. You'll be entered in the drawing to win a signed copy of STROKE OF GENIUS.

Also, if you'd like to see your first 500 words here in the coming weeks, please contact me through my website and I'll send you the details on how you can be on Red Pencil Thursday.

And as always, I appreciate it when you click on the little icon below to share this post with a friend via email, Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, or Google Buzz!

Literacy for Life Signing

One of my favorite parts of RWA Nationals is the Literacy for Life Signing, which is happening in Orlando today. Over 500 authors and their publishers are donating their profits to a group called ProLiteracy, an international organization dedicated to spreading literacy among adults.

Did you know that there are 18 million adults in America who can't read a newspaper or fill out a job application? And of all the people worldwide who are illiterate, 2/3 of them are women.

For as long as I can remember, books have been my friends. I can't imagine living by my own thoughts alone. That's why I feel so passionately that this is an organization worth supporting, even though I'm not at Nationals this year.

So, for the rest of the week, I'm having a 'literacy signing' of my own. The Book Oasis in Stoneham, MA keeps all my titles in stock. They will ship anywhere. If you buy one of my autographed books from them between now and Sunday August 1st, I will write a check for the entire purchase price and send it to RWA National to be included in their donation to ProLiteracy. (Ok, now's a good time to mention that my DH insisted I cap the amount at $500, but it'll still take a lot of book sales to get to that amount.) If you have a romance reader on your Christmas list, now's a good time to snag that stocking stuffer.

You can shop online at The Book Oasis or give the good folks there a call at 781.438.0077.

I hope you'll help me make that check I write a big one.

PS. I also hope you'll use the handy little gizmo at the end of this post to email this message to a friend, and post it to your blog, Twitter or Facebook to help me get the word out. Everyday, I'm thankful I can read. I bet you are too. Let's see if we can spread the joy around.

Hero Casting Call

When I guest blog for a new book, I'm often asked who I'd cast as my hero if my story was made into a movie. Here's a peek into my private casting call.

Trevelyn Deveridge in DISTRACTING THE DUCHESS is clever, sophisticated, and dangerous when he needs to be. Sexy as the devil, this Queen's secret service agent whistles Rule Britania as he peels off his clothes to become my heroine's nude model.

He's Pierce Brosnan in a cravat.


The knee jerk choice for my PLEASURING THE PIRATE hero might have been Johnny Depp, but frankly his Jack Sparrow nances about a bit too much to be Gabriel Drake. My prodigal pirate needed to have more of the seriously bad "bad boy" about him if I was going to make his reformation mean something.

He's Russell Crowe in a tricorne hat.



For VEXING THE VISCOUNT, I needed a man with innate sweetness for my virgin hero Lucian Ignacio de Castenello Beaumont. This treasure hunter may have "pockets to let," but his heart is rich and he's ever so eager to learn about love. Lucian's love scenes with the heroine may be exercises in the blind leading the blind, but they have plenty of sexy fun wandering the dark together.

He's Colin Firth in a frock coat and knee britches.




Ian Michael MacGregor in My Lady Below Stairs (A CHRISTMAS BALL) isn't a titled lord. He's the head groom who's in love with the scullery maid. It made sense to to choose a burly unknown as my model for this muscle-bound "man-of-all-work."

Earnest, devoted and determined not to lose his lady love, I may not know this model's name, but I know Ian Michael's heart.





I really need two pictures for Crispin Hawke, the brilliant artist in STROKE OF GENIUS. One for his gorgeous exterior and one for his irritating, insufferable interior. I already had a mental image of Crispin's dangerous male beauty when I ran across this suffering artist at the 2009 RT Convention. It was so close to the hero in my head, I had to have the picture.



But once Crispin opens his mouth, it's hard not to recognize him as the Regency's answer to Hugh Laurie's HOUSE. Crispin isn't addicted to opiates and he isn't as self-destructive as HOUSE, but his "I-dare-you-to-care-about-me" demeanor makes him one of the most complicated heroes I've ever written.



COMING ATTRACTIONS!

My debut Mia Marlowe title will be coming out next May. Some of you will remember the name for my hero from my Pirate Name Contest a few years ago. Lisa Mancini-Verges, the reader who submitted it, has given me permission to use the name and I'm thrilled to report that Greydon Quinn will come to life in TOUCH OF A THIEF. A disgraced British officer, Quinn is single-minded, committed to justice for his friends and a master of the Kama Sutra.

Of course, the fact that Quinn looks remarkably like Clive Owen doesn't hurt a bit either.

And that brings us to my current work in progress which I'm not at liberty to say much about yet.

Except that my hero strongly resembles Matthew McConaughey.

Ok, now it's your turn to play casting director. Take a look at the book on your nightstand. Please share the title, author and who you imagine as the hero!

Red Pencil Thursday with Barbara Huddleston

One of the lovely things about having lived in lots of places is that I know writers from all over. I first met Barbara Huddleston (who intends to write as Barbara Bettis) when I lived in Missouri. I used to drive 100 miles to attend the Ozark Romance Authors meetings in Springfield once a month and Barb is a very talented member of that group. I was so impressed by her writing the first time I heard her read during the group critique time, when she volunteered for Red Pencil Thursday, I knew we'd all be in for a treat!

As always, my comments are in red. Barbara's are purple. Please add yours in the comment section!

Chapter 1
Normandy
Love this unusual setting. I forgot to ask. Is this a historical romance or straight historical? Since medievals are experiencing a bit of a resurgence, this setting is still commercially viable.
It’s a romance. Sigh. ;-) The action will switch to England very soon, though.
Even better. England is still the--pardon the pun--"Queen Mother" of settings for historical romance.
Mid-March 1199


Damn, he hated the silence.

Starting with a twist is a good way to pique our interest. Normally people find silence restful, relaxing. The fact that your hero doesn't speaks volumes about him and his situation.

Sir Steven of Riverton held his breath. Drops of perspiration swept down his neck despite the cool night. He listened for the rustle of leaves, the yip of fox kit, the whirsh of owl wings. Nothing. Even the breeze scarcely stroked his beard-stubbed cheek as he led his bay gelding, Jasper. Step by step they eased through the tiny clearing. Sluggish light from the quarter moon cast a watery path ahead.

Brilliant beginning. You've used tactile and auditory clues to set your scene instead of just visual. Is whirsh a real word or did you invent it? Either way, I know exactly what you mean. Even the last sentence which uses visual description does so in an original way. I've never seen 'sluggish light' or a 'watery path' anywhere else. This is fresh writing and I wish I'd done it!

I did make up ‘whirsh.’ (Thank you!)

One query about your hero's name. Steven spelled that way seems more modern to me than Stephen. Did you research the name to make sure that spelling was common in the 12th century?

Absolutely right. It’s now Stephen. ;-)

Also, I'm not sure I need the name of the horse yet. I'd really like to zero in on just your hero. The horse is a prop at this point.

Humm. I never thought about the horse’s name. It is kind of wonky for the 1100s--and I did think I needed to name it right away. But I’ll go back and work w/ the wording to take it out. Your comment here ties in with one you made on an earlier RP entry about focusing on the hero’s name in the opening, and how we’re just getting to know him (or whomever we’re opening with). Best not to bring in too many other names all at once.

When he left the village earlier, his decision to avoid travelers and return through the woods seemed unnecessary. Few knew of this meeting. What need for subterfuge? Still, routine propelled him off the familiar road between village and monastery. Now, as he pushed on, the very silence shouted.

Danger.

Thank you for not succumbing to the temptation to use an ! here. According to Heather Osborn (editor for Tor/Forge) "Every time you use an !, you kill a kitten." Barbara has used an embedded hook here (if you followed my online MY HUSBAND MARRIED A HOOKER workshop, you already know a hook is a tantalyzing bit of information that draws the reader in and propels them forward.) She's let us know Sir Steven is up to something secretive and dangerous without giving away too much.

He inhaled, soft, easy. A trace of rancid sweat hit his nostrils. Jesu! On the right. He ducked the instant a knife blade nicked his ear. Instinct drove his own double-edged dagger down then up through cloth and flesh. He wrenched the blade free. Warm, copper-scented wetness pulsed across his arm.

It seems I'm only cataloguing all the things you're doing right. Using scents and tactile impressions along with short "stream of consciousness" phrases pulls us into tight POV. We're experiencing everything at the same time Steven experiences it. This is how it's done, kids.

A word about curses. It's so important that they be appropriate to the character and the time period in order to lend a ring of authenticity. Sir Steven would be a Christian and during this century, he'd think of his Savior by his Latin name. Well done.

Not his blood, thank God. And he damn well better move if he wanted to keep it that way. Reins fisted, Steven leaped into the saddle just as keening whoops slashed the air. The rest of the pack. His mind marked the voices—too many. He couldn’t fight them all. Four, six, more shadows burst into the clearing—front, sides, back. He knew the drill. Draw the circle tighter. Trap the target.

I love the way you use language in original ways. The idea of a sound slashing the air is vibrantly new to me. Notice how as the action speeds up, Barbara's sentences get shorter. This gives the passage a sense of urgency.

He made those rules. He could damn well break them. The circle rotated. Strongest always in front to block escape. Bent low over his mount’s neck, he yanked sharply left, always the weak side of the pattern.

By letting us in on his analysis of the situation, you've deftly shown us he's a military man without telling us so.

He kicked out as he galloped past a shadow. It went down. The well-trained Jasper leaped through the opening. Then a sting on his left sent fire up Steven’s leg. He reached down, jerked free the knife, jammed a fist against his thigh. This time the thick wetness oozing through his fingers was his own.

It's been a while since you used his horse's name. I was a little distracted by it. I wonder if you might wait until they are out of danger to even introduce the animal's name. Steven's the important one here. Let us focus on him.

Will do.

The suck of breath rang in his ears, drowned his pounding heart. No sound of pursuit yet, but that would change. There…the thud of hooves echoed, far enough behind to give him time. Into the forest he headed. The thunder grew closer, loud enough to drown his brief stop to bound from the saddle.

Into the forest he headed is passive sentence structure. Your hero's not the least bit passive. I'd rather see He headed into the forest.

You’re absolutely right. The reason I wrote it that way was…I was afraid of having too many subject/verb constructions that people would think was too choppy. So I tossed that wording into the stream. Guess I’d better fish it out.

“Satan’s backside.” His bloodied leg buckled as he hit the ground rolling. Jasper picked up the gait and crashed through the underbrush onto a narrow path.

Another historically accurate curse, but I wonder if he'd use a two worded one here. Seems a tad long for the action. Perhaps a scatological remark would be more appropriate in these circumstances.

Point taken. I really need to find some different curses that would be “medieval appropriate.” I find myself using the same ones a lot. Or making them up--which doesn’t always work. OH!! I just thought of one. Merde! That would work here.

Perfect! You can't get much more scatological than "Merde!" As far as other curses go, God's Wounds, God's Feet, pretty much God's anything was used as an oath.

Steven hurtled into a large bush, ducked beneath the thick branches. And gritted his teeth when brambles clawed his cheeks.

Christ in chains. Can this night get any better?

Every publishing house has their own style rules but since this is Steven's direct thought, I'd want it italicized. To indicate that for both Dorchester and Kensington, underline the text to be italicized.

THANK YOU. Some of us have had this conversation so often. We didn’t know whether to italicize it in the text as we write or to underline it. Now we know.

The reason they use underlines is because it's hard to see italics in Courier New.

Earth vibrated as the others pounded past. Who were these assailants? Not Assassins. Too much noise. Subtle conniving marked Assassins. He could think of only one explanation. The murdering knights he hunted. Did they know his identity, or had they tracked The Black Dagger only?

Excellent hooks to set up the conflict for your hero. Now we know there are a couple dangerous groups who might want him dead.

Your crisp, elegant prose speaks to me. I really didn't want this excerpt to end. When this one sells, I'll be at the bookstore on its release day with my wallet open!

Thank you for the things you pointed out, Emily. I appreciate your help so much. One thing I was worried about in this beginning--it continues along this line for another couple of pages--is that it has no dialogue. I feared having a narrative opening would be highly frowned on? And thank you for your very kind words. As the saying goes, “From your mouth to God’s ear”…and an agent’s…and an editor’s…. ;-)

I wasn't troubled by the lack of dialogue because there's so much action. Now, if it goes on too much longer, I might be bothered by it, but your POV is so good and tight, we know exactly what Stephen's thinking. I have more problems with openings that are merely the character engaging in internal dialogue, mulling over past events. We hear snippets of Stephen's thoughts, but mostly we're right there with him in the thick of things. Well done!

Barb’s bio:
A former journalist and journalism professor, Barb now teaches English at a local college and devotes every spare moment to spinning stories about ladies and their knights in shining armor--because she firmly believes everyone needs a hero. She lives in Missouri.

Ok, now it's your turn to comment. Any suggestions for how Barb can make her story better?

PS.Today I'm over at the RomCon site blogging about favorite TV shows and movies and how they dovetail with book characters. I'm also giving away copy of Stroke of Genius to one lucky commenter. Please come over and let me know you were there.

In case you're unfamiliar with RomCon, this is the new Romance Conference sponsored by Borders Books. You'll need to register (it's FREE!) in order to leave a comment, but the site is very interactive and fun.
Hope to see you there!

Publishers Weekly ~ Beyond her Book

This week I got an email from Barbara Vey, the Publishers Weekly blogger, letting me know that she's featuring STROKE OF GENIUS on Beyond Her Book today. Here's the link: http://blogs.publishersweekly.com/blogs/beyondherbook/

She hadn't published her Friday post when I checked at 7 AM EST, so I don't know what she said about my book. I feel a little trepidacious posting the link without knowing if she thought the book was good or not. It's a bit like letting the world take a peek at my mid-term grades before I know if I passed the class.

But I enjoy Beyond Her Book so much, I'm glad to urge you to check out the blog anyway. Barbara logs tons of miles each year attending book, movie, comic book conferences. She weighs in on TV and movies as well and gives her unique take on things. She's had lovely things to say about my books in the past, so my fingers are crossed for this time.

Have you ever been waiting for word on something and wondered what would happen? Did things turn out as you hoped?

11:43AM EST--Well, I must have gotten my signals crossed because her blog today isn't featuring any books. In fact, it's not even Barbara Vey's post. It's a very informative look at the recent Book Blogger Convention by none other than Andrew Shaffer--the aspiring writer who got roped into the Mr. Romance Contest at RT this year. You all know Andrew. He's been a guest on my blog before, so be sure to pop over and see what he has to say!

TGIF New Release~Victoria Gray's Destiny

Please welcome Victoria Gray today. She's sharing her new release with us--DESTINY. It's a Civil War era romance and I know there are some frustrated fans of that setting out there, so here's your chance. Take it away Victoria!
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Blurb:Emma Davenport was going to be a bride, and no one was going to stop her, not even an outlaw. Bound for a forbidden marriage to her father’s sworn enemy, Emma’s scheme shatters when she is abducted and spirited away to a remote hideout. Any proper young woman would be frightened out of her wits, but she challenges her daring, seductive captor at every turn.

Major Jack Travis was used to the battlefield, not stealing spoiled, sheltered women from trains, but the by-the-book officer never doubted his ability to carry out orders until he laid eyes on Emma. His captive is intelligent, headstrong, beautiful – and forbidden. He risks his neck to protect her. But how can he protect her from himself?

Book Trailer Link: http://www.youtube.com/user/VictoriaGrayRomance

Website Excerpt: http://www.victoriagrayromance.com/Writings.html

About Destiny :Thanks to Emily for inviting me to her blog to discuss my new release. Destiny is a Civil War-era historical that blends romance with adventure. Emma Davenport, the sheltered daughter of a powerful Northern senator, runs away to marry Christopher Staton, a charismatic businessman – a traitor with his own ruthless reasons for wanting Emma as his bride. Traveling to her rendezvous with Staton, she’s abducted by a daring train robber who harbors a bitter grudge against the man she plans to marry. Unknown to Emma, Jack Travis isn’t what he seems – he’s a cavalry officer tasked with keeping Emma out of Staton’s clutches. Driven by duty and a deep-seated hatred of Staton, Jack risks his life to protect Emma, even as he falls in love with his spirited, challenging captive. She’s forbidden to him, but sometimes, even a man on a mission has to follow his heart.

About the hero and heroine:
Jack Travis is an alpha-male with a heart. A respected, by-the-book soldier, he’s put his life on the line on the battlefield and courageously accomplished the most challenging missions. When he’s tasked with keeping Emma out of Staton’s clutches, he resents being pulled from battle to serve as a bodyguard – but he’s driven to take on the mission by his hatred of Christopher Staton and his first-hand knowledge of the man’s treachery. Isolated with Emma at his remote hideaway, he’s drawn to her spirit as well as her beauty. She’s the woman he’s always wanted – but she’s forbidden to him – until he decides to risk everything to capture her heart.

Emma Davenport is no damsel-in-distress. She’s led a sheltered existence and craves a life away from her father’s stifling influence, but she’s nothing like the mousy wallflower Jack expects. Emma surprises Jack at every turn with her intelligence, spirit, and courage. Drawn to her captor, she’s conflicted by the attraction to a man she shouldn’t love – but her heart can’t resist.

What’s next for me?
Destiny’s sequel, Angel in My Arms, will be released by The Wild Rose Press later this year. The story of a Union spy ring running out of Richmond in 1864, the book’s hero, Steve Dunham, was introduced as Jack’s partner in Destiny. In addition, I’ve begun a third book in the series, centering on the tumultuous events surrounding the fall of Richmond in 1865. I’ve also completed a romantic suspense set in 1896 Manhattan and am plotting a trio of Victorian-era historical.

Buy Links for the book:E-book : http://www.thewildrosepress.com/destiny-p-4018.html
Print : http://www.thewildrosepress.com/destiny-p-4018.html

Bio:


Victoria Gray wrote her first story soon after she started elementary school. When she was in the third grade, her mother bought her a Smith Corona manual typewriter. She was officially a writer!

A trained librarian, Victoria uses her research skills to explore other eras in time. Her interest in research is a perfect fit with her work as a writer of historical romance.

_____________________________________________________________

Thanks for visiting today, Victoria. That 1896 Manhattan romantic suspense sounds interesting. Be sure to come back when that one sells!

It's only been a little over a week since my newest release hit the bookstore shelves. RT BookReviews calls STROKE OF GENIUS "Wickedly enjoyable!"



So go out there an enjoy your weekend! What are you reading now?

I'm blogging in a couple places today. Please grab your second cup and visit me at Over Coffee where I'm Desperately Seeking Writing Space. Then I'll be at The Chatelaines, solving the problem of Aliteracy.

Red Pencil Thursday with Paisley Kirkpatrick

Happy Red Pencil Thursday! Please welcome Paisley Kirkpatrick, our cheerful voluteer. She's a pre-published author who's beginning to win some contests. This is an important step. Contest wins show she's on the right track and is a wonderful way to get your foot in the door.

My comments for Paisley are in red. Her responses are in purple. Please feel free to add your ideas in the comment section!


PREY OF THE HUNTRESS
Great title. Sounds like a good strong heroine

CHAPTER ONE

Sierra Mountain Range, California, Fall 1853
This is a good way to ground your readers in the world of your story and lots of writers use this device. However, I'd rather see touches of fall in your text instead of being told the time of year here.
Okay, but as she steps out of the cabin we start seeing and feeling the Fall – leaf colors, crisp breeze, it snows…. I can certainly take this off if it takes away. I thought it staged where and when.
That's great. I'm glad to hear you'll show it later, but readers don't like to be told, then shown. Better just to skip telling and go straight to showing. (Can you tell I'm originally from Missouri?)

Rebecca Ryder gaped at the ramshackle cabin. She must have misunderstood the directions or turned the wrong way somewhere. Grandpa had told her he was doing well with the mine, pulling out enough gold to pay her school tuition in the East and still live comfortably, too. This shack told an entirely different story. He’d given no clue he was struggling, or had he and she’d turned a blind eye?

Well, Paisley, you did the same thing I did with my first manuscript. You introduced your heroine with no one for her to talk to, so we have a long, silent exposition. If she's been going to a fancy Eastern school, is it logical to assume she'd go to an abandoned cabin in a remote location alone? Who's your hero? Might he be dragged out as an unwilling guide on this expedition?

Sanity called her back to town after the long dusty trek into this remote wilderness, but curiosity overrode the urge to immediately head down the mountain. After coming this far, she should at least check out the rest of her tattered legacy.

You're telling instead of showing with the Sanity sentence when we need to really get inside Rebecca's head and feel what she's feeling. Give us some sensory details that put us in the scene. The last sentence in this paragraph smacks a bit of something called 'author intrusion.' You're stepping in and telling your character what she should do.
I had intended this last sentence to be her internal thoughts. Will rework it.

Determined to give grandpa the benefit of doubt, she stepped out of the saddle. A few of the boards dipped as she trod across the narrow porch. Turning the door handle, she let out an impatient sigh as the crude planks protested. She shoved the door just enough with her shoulder to slip inside. The breath caught in her throat. Oh, Grandpa, no! Her spirits plummeted.

Point of equestrianship. She'd step out of the stirrup or dismount the horse, not step out of the saddle.
I knew this wasn’t quite right, but for the life of me I couldn’t come up with something that did. Embarrassed after the years of riding horses… 
We want to like our heroine. Be careful you're not making Rebecca a little unlikeable here. She's impatient and judgemental with a man who has obviously sacrificed for her welfare.
I can fix this – she wasn’t meant to be judgmental, but horrified that her grandfather lived in such a horrid state because he paid her tuition. He supposedly had found a lucrative gold mine and had a lot of money. He’d been writing and telling her this. The reason for the state of the cabin is something she soon discovers is a ploy to cover the fact that he has found a huge gold strike and is hiding the fact from those who would want to steal it.
Ooo! That's good.

Rows of newspapers stood side by side from floor to eye level. Stale, vanilla-scented pipe tobacco permeated the air barely disguising other repugnant odors that she couldn’t identify. She cringed and brushed away lace-like cobwebs that hung from the rafters, sticking in her hair and tickling her face.

Where would a miner get all those newspapers?
Her grandfather owned the local newspaper and the reason why all these newspapers are in the cabin has an important bearing on the story.
Ok, that makes sense, but since newspapers are an unusual item for most miners, you might tuck that little nugget of knowledge in there for us.

I love the vanilla-scented pipe tobacco and wish you hadn't added the unidentified repugnant odors . Here's an opportunity for that familiar smell to trigger an emotional response in your heroine. Scent is tied to memory. I still remember my tough-guy dad tearing up when he smelled cinnamon in the kitchen cupboard of his grandparent's tumbled-down cabin.
My grandfather had a vanilla scented tobacco in his pipe and you are right, vanilla always makes me think of him.
It takes a while for cobwebs to build up to that level. How long has the cabin been empty?
Her grandfather has been dead over two weeks and he was sick before then for a while. However, here in the mountains (I live where this takes place) it doesn’t take long as we share the woods and our house with spiders. I can take webs down daily and never run out of them unfortunately.
Silly me. My citified, condo-dwelling roots are showing!

A few steps along a narrow opening brought her to a wooden platform. She ran her fingers over the sparse mattress and rumpled bedding. Three broken bricks propped up the corner of a woodstove placed in an area she’d hardly consider a kitchen. She fingered a chipped cup sitting on the shelf of a small cupboard.

Sparse mattress? Do you mean thin? I like the tactile elements of this paragraph. Now we're getting sensory details. Yay! Can you add her emotional response to them?
Yes, thin mattress. The cool thing is that at the museum in Coloma we got to see the inside of a cabin that was used during this time of history so I had a visual to rely on.
Cool about the museum. That kind of hand's on research is so much richer than cracking a book or surfing the web.

The lawyer informed her mountain men passing through his property happened to find grandpa dead. They probably were the ones who’d tossed the rotted food remnants in a bucket without care. The stench of decay curdled her stomach, but not half as much as the thought of her grandfather dying up here in the mountains alone.

I didn't know until this point that her grandfather was dead. I expected to see him stagger in or something. I wonder if it would be easier for the reader if we knew this information right up front.
I thought tattered legacy told that this was her inheritance, but certainly can make it clearer. ;-)
Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with things. Let's see if it strikes others the same way before you change it.

The rotten food is certainly a pungent detail, but I wonder if its necessary. It marrs the previous tobacco smell that could have conjured up a bittersweet moment and seems like a distraction from the first visceral reaction from Rebecca.
I was trying to make the cabin repugnant to her because she needs to decide whether to stay and accept the property or give it up. The lawyer doesn’t want her to accept the property because he is trying to secure it for the hero’s family at a good price. He purposely sends her to see it alone because he is dishonest and can taste his fee when he can secure it for the MacGregors. She grew up on a farm in Texas and I didn’t think it was out of the question that she would be independent enough to ride up the road to look at the property.
Ok. Greedy, blood-sucking lawyer is kind of an over-used character. What if the lawyer was honest, but his clients were the bad guys? Just a thought. At this point, I don't know Rebecca grew up on a Texas ranch. I'm thinking cossetted tenderfoot wandering in the wilderness, because all I've been told is that her Grandpa paid for her Eastern school tuition. If you want readers to consider her smart, let us know she has the background for this remote gallivanting. I worry about her otherwise.

A small table scattered with wooden matches and a lantern sat next to his oak rocking chair.

Tears filled her eyes as she touched the carved back of the treasured antique. It was the only piece of furniture he’d taken when her father ran him off their Texas farm five years ago.
She dropped into his rocker and slowly moved her hands back and forth along the smooth-as-silk armrests. As a young child her grandfather had welcomed her on his lap in this very chair. They’d spent hours reading her favorite stories together. If only she could hear his voice one more time. Run to him for comfort. But she couldn’t. After he’d sent the letter to come, she’d rushed to reach Paradise Pines. His heart gave out two weeks before she arrived. She slumped over and sobbed into her hands. Grandpa, why’d you leave me?

Oh, yes, I've sat in a chair with smooth as silk armrests. Ordinarily I'd say smooth as silk is an overused expression, but this is the first time I've seen it applied to wood.

Oops! Young child. Is there any other kind?

I'd care more about Rebecca's tears if there was more of a lead up to them. A quivering chin, a lump in her throat--there are a number of ways you can show how she feels about losing her Grandpa throughout this opening. I really like this idea.
And I like some of the elements you've got going in your story here.

As I mentioned to Paisley when we talked about her comments, I'm not the final arbiter here. Paisley is. This is her story. She's the only one who can decide the best way to tell it. The goal of Red Pencil Thursday is always just to give the volunteer writer something to think about and maybe a few suggestions to make their work better. Thanks for being here today, Paisley.

Thank you for the opportunity, Emily.

Paisley Kirkpatrick is a ten year veteran of RWA along with Sacramento Valley Rose and many online chapters. She is unpublished, working on her fourth story, and starting to win contests. Because she lives where the 49er gold rush occurred, she finds interesting living history to add reality to her stories.

Her website URL is: http://www.myspace.com/paisleykirkpatrick

Now it's your turn. What was I wrong about? Do you see anything you'd like to change? If you're here, you're a member of the critique group, so your voice is important. Just remember Paisley can decide to ignore us all if she likes!

Chapter 6 of A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS!

The sixth chapter of my online novella is on my website now. When I began this little story, my goal was to provide a free read, to give something back to my readers as a thank you. Turns out, my readers have been faithfully giving to me. So many have been participating in the creation of this story. I didn't have a plot determined from the beginning. I wasn't sure where A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS was headed. But readers have been giving me advice about plot points each month, so it's been a fun experiment.

So when you have five minutes, pop over and read the latest installment. Be sure to vote for how you think the story should continue. I really love receiving "write-in" votes. Some of the plot suggestions have been very detailed and extend far beyond the next chapter. I have the most creative readers on the planet!

When you cast your vote, you'll be entered in the drawing for a signed copy of A CHRISTMAS BALL. My novella in this anthology, My Lady Below Stairs, is a finalist for the Reader's Crown Award! Plus, I'm throwing in a whole box of books I picked up at RT--a summer's worth of reading. The drawing will be held on July 6th! Please tell your reading friends about this contest. The novella is at the half-way point so there's plenty of time for more fun and the love of reading is a wonderful thing to share with a friend. (And if your friend wins the box of books you know she'll share right back!)



If you're looking for a finished story, I just have to remind you my latest offering should be in bookstores now! RT BookReviews calls STROKE OF GENIUS "Wickedly enjoyable!"

I'm reading Jacqueline Frank's Jacob now. What's on your TBR list this summer?

Em Recommends

Today is Release Day for some friends of mine. First, let me tell you about my critique partner Ashlyn Chase's new light-hearted paranormal STRANGE NEIGHBORS. I've been treated to this story almost from the get-go and watched it shift through several permutations to its current hysterical state.

In STRANGE NEIGHBORS, a small town girl moves into a Boston brownstone that's been converted to apartments and every one of the residents in this building are not what they seem--starting with the hunky baseball pitcher landlord! If you enjoy shifters and vampires and witches, oh my! you'll love STRANGE NEIGHBORS. Check out Ashlyn's website for more about the story that's been called the paranormal version of "Friends!"


Then there's my friend and fellow Chatelaine Jennifer Ashley's newest release as Allyson James (See. I'm not the only one with more names than she knows what to do with!) Her novella "Mortal Sensations" in WEDDING FAVORS from Berkley Heat is sure to be a sizzling good way to start your summer.

For more see Allyson's website



Next, here's something from my bedside table, Victoria Alexander's DESIRES OF A PERFECT LADY. You may remember I blogged about meeting this exceptionally talented writer at RT a few weeks ago. I took her book with me to Bermuda and LOVED it!

Her fiesty heroine is a recent merry widow. After a hellacious marriage to a vicious controlling man, she's finally free to pursue her own desires. Or is she? The conditions of his will stipulate she's only to receive a miserly stipend unless she completes his "collections" with rare and valuable artifacts he'd been unable to obtain. So she's off to win her total liberation from the man who would enslave her even from the grave. And while she's on her way, she'll be crossing items off her to-do list. Things like: Swim naked in a warm sea and Bed the Earl of Wyldewood--who happens to be the man she should have married in the first place and is bankrollilng her little expedition. The book is great fun and I highly recommend it. Here's the link to Victoria's website, which was recently redesigned!

Last but not least, there's my own STROKE OF GENIUS. Even though its release day was May 25th, technically, it's a June book in publishing parlance. I'm beginning to hear back from readers who've loved this story and my "HOUSE-like" hero. Damaged men have always held a special appeal for women. We long to put them back together again. My brilliant hero Crispin won't admit to being damaged, but anyone with eyes can see his rudeness and knuckle-dragging alpha moments are masks for a deep hurt.

If you've read STROKE OF GENIUS, I'd love to hear what you thought of it. And here's the link to my website. Be sure to pop over there today because Chapter 6 of my free online novella A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS, will be posted somtime before midnight. (I promise!)

Oh! If you want a signed copy of STROKE OF GENIUS, check out The Book Oasis. They are an independent bookseller who stocks autographed copies of all my books and they'll be happy to ship them to YOU!

Friday Catch-up!

Today is my catch-up day--a day to gather up loose ends and clear the decks. Ever have one of those?

Let's start with announcing the winners from last week's little online Mini-Romance Conference:

Monday with Barbara Monajem--Gillian Layne! Contact Barbara at bmonajem@yahoo.com with your snail mail address so she can ship your prize.

Tuesday with Connie Mason--Linda Henderson! Contact me through www.emilybryan.com with your mailing info and I'll send you LORD OF DEVIL ISLE. (A nice long excerpt of my STROKE OF GENIUS is in the back of this book!)

Wednesday with ME!--Magdalen! Contact me through www.emilybryan.com with your mailing info and I'll send you STROKE OF GENIUS as soon as my author copies arrive.

Oh! I published the next chapter in my free online novella A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS this week. If you haven't tried it, I invite you to pop over to www.emilybryan.com. There are 5 chapters up, so it's enough to get a sense of the characters. You can also vote for how you'd like to see the story continue and be entered in my monthly contest at the same time!

Several people have asked how I intend to keep blogging with the writing schedule I've just agreed to. Six novels and a novella in 15 months is a bit daunting. The answer is I'll blog as often as I can and I intend to maintain my 5 posts a week pace.

You see, in the time I've been blogging, I've discovered it's not just about me entertaining and informing you (though I always hope to do that!). Along the way, I feel we've developed a community here and I enjoy hearing from my cyber-friends.

So next week, look for MY HUSBAND MARRIED A HOOKER, Part 2 on Wednesday, along with a regular Red Pencil Thursday. I'll make the rest up as I go along. That is what I do for a living, after all.

Today, I've also got a new post up at www.miamarlowe.blogspot.com about my reception as a new Brava author at RT. And I'm up on The Chatelaines too. Hope you'll click over and join me.

This weekend, I'm dragging the DH out for some shopping for our upcoming cruise. The boy seriously needs some new shorts. I know this must come as a surprise to those of you who know me as The Anti-Shopper. The truth is, I'm only averse to shopping when I'm buying for myself.

What are your plans for the weekend?

A New Direction in My Career

I've been sitting on some news for a few weeks. It's been so hard to keep it to myself, but I've been afraid I'll jinx it. However, things are shaping up exactly as I'd hoped and now I can share it with you.

Have you heard about a new writer named Mia Marlowe? There was a notice on Publisher's Lunch recently about some multi-books deals for her. Guess what? She's me!

Alicia Condon of Kensington has acquired my Touch of Seduction trilogy for their Brava line. Since my first book for them, Touch of a Thief, has paranormal elements, Alicia requested I take a new pen name. I chose Mia Marlowe. If you'd like to know more, please visit Mia Marlowe, a little blog where I've been quietly cataloguing my writing odyssey as I expanded into a second publishing house. There is a static page with an excerpt from TOUCH OF A THIEF I hope you'll enjoy. (And please click to follow my blog there. It looks so lonely with no friendly followers!)

I say second publishing house because I'm thrilled to report that Leah Hultenschmidt of Dorchester wants three more books from me as well. And since she realizes how difficult it is for an author to promote more than one pen name, these books will also come out under the new Mia Marlowe name.

If you're a writer, you are allowed to hate me a little. Six contracted novels and a novella is an embarrassment of riches. But remember, now I have to deliver those 7 manuscripts over the next 15 months. It'll be a little like doing NaNoWriMo every month.

But I am thrilled and terrified in equal measure and hope you'll come along with me as my career takes a new direction.

Thanks to all of you who've been dropping by the blog this week while I've been gone. I'll enjoy catching up once I'm home on Sunday.

So, any questions about my news or about my time at RT?

The Writer's Marathon

On Monday, they ran the Boston Marathon here.

A marathon of a different sort is about to begin--the annual spring running of the authors. It's when we crawl out of our winter writing cocoons and hit the speaking trail. I got a little jump on it last weekend when I popped up to Maine to speak to MERWA.

Tomorrow I'll sneak down to Connecticut for the day to give my My Husband Married a Hooker workshop for Connecticut Fiction Fest. No, it's not what you're thinking, you naughty girl! It's about adding writing hooks. In case you can't make it, I'll post my notes here on the blog one day next week.

All my blog posts have to be set to go for next week because I'll be in Columbus, OH for the Romantic Times Convention and I'm never sure how reliable my internet connection will be when I'm traveling. If I can, I'll still pop by to respond to comments, but I'm only taking my baby computer with me and it's sort of an internet virgin. Since I do all my writing on this little 10 inch gem, I try not to expose it to anything that might gobble up my WIP. (I'm on p. 250 of a manuscript that's due June 1st, so I can't risk losing any of it. Yes, I have some new contracts and I'm so excited about it I'm about to burst, but I'll tell you about all that later. Suffice it to say, for the next 15 months, I'm going to be a very busy girl.)

For those of you who've never been, RT is a wild week. On Monday and Tuesday, I'll be working with the Aspiring Writers Bootcamp with Bobbi Smith and Judi McCoy. I love teaching and the students are all so eager to learn. Then during the main convention, I'll be on a How to Be a Blog Queen panel, signing at the bookfair on Saturday and hanging out with readers and writers at the after-hours parties.

I'm even co-hosting one this year--The Mad Hatter's Tea Party--along with Victoria Alexander, Renee Bernard, Kristina Cook, Genella deGrey, Charlotte Featherstone, Heather Graham, Carrie Lofty, Sally MacKenzie, Donna MacMeans, Amanda McIntyre, and Sharon Page. It'll start on Wednesday night at Midnight! If you're at RT, please try to make this party! Dorchester has sent out 150 copies of Distracting the Duchess for me to give away to readers. I'll be signing as long as they last!

It'll be a fun and exhausting week and I'll be ready to assume the writing position again once I get home late on Sunday week. (For those of you who don't speak Southern, that means Sunday after next.)

Here on my blog next week, we'll have a little mini convention with some special guests and some chances for YOU to win some freebies--Barbara Monajem on Monday, romance legend NYTimes Bestseller Connie Mason on Tuesday, Me on Wednesday since STROKE OF GENIUS is coming up very soon, Glynis Smy on Red Pencil Thursday and on Friday, I'll tell you about my big contract news! Please be sure to pop by the blog next week. I will be responding to comments once I get home from Ohio for sure.

So who's going to RT and who can I count on to keep the blog fires burning?

Red Pencil Thursday with Jane Lange

It's Thursday so it's time for another online critique. Today our willing victim, er I mean volunteer, is Jane Lange. Regular visitors to my blog will recognize her as commenter Jane L. Because she submitted the winning name in my Name A Character Contest last summer, when STROKE OF GENIUS comes out on May 25th, Jane has a special thank you coming from me in the acknowledgements.

Jane is an aspiring writer and I met her for the first time at RT when she came early for Bobbi Smith's Aspiring Writer BootCamp. Jane actually sent me two versions of her excerpt this week. The first was one she'd worked on with a writing coach whom she'd paid to go over her manuscript. The result was disjointed and flat. The coach had edited out her voice. This second version (which was her original) has a better flow. I share this with you as a cautionary tale. Not all manuscript doctors are worth your dollars. If you consider using one, make sure you get references and call them. Ask if the changes the coach made resulted in a sale or a contest win before you plunk down your cash.

As always when I do a critique, I'm only offering my opinion. It may only be worth what you're paying for it, Jane! (Which is nothing, in case the rest of you are wondering!)

The following excerpt is from her historical manuscript Love's Soft Surrender. My comments are in red. Jane's responses are italicized in purple.

Love's Soft Surrender Be sure to add the apostrophe to Love's. Otherwise, it seems as if there are multiple loves in the manuscript--which would be a different sort of story altogether.

Spring 1864
West Virginia I'm sure you know this already, but the historical market is skewed toward Regency England. I've even heard acquiring editors say that first time authors should set their story in the Regency if they want to increase their chances of selling. That said, write the story that moves you, wherever and whenever it takes place. Writing to the market can backfire if you don't have any passion for the setting. This is so true. A writer must write what inspires them and for me, my heart is in America.


Brianna lifted her trembling hand and reached out with bloodstained fingers. The blood of her parents before she buried them. She traced the profile of her face in the dusty mirror. The soft peach kissed glow of her skin (was) gone. She moistened her dry, cracked, lips with the tip of her tongue. The shadowy circles under her once sparkling green eyes reflected the torment of the last few days. Something inside her snapped after witnessing the death and destruction the Yankee Soldiers rained down on her family’s home. When would this nightmare end?

* You're ahead of me already. You named your protagonist right away, when I let mine wander around without one two weeks ago. But I want to talk about names for a minute. Choice of name helps ground your reader in another time. Brianna wasn't a popular female name in 1864. Though it may have Celtic roots as the feminine of Brian, in fact, it surfaced in the 1970s and is in the top 20 female baby names now. Visit http://www.galbithink.org/names/us200.htm for a listing of common US names based on the census from 1800-1999.
* I wasn't expecting bloodstained fingers. Good hook.
* Dead parents. Another good hook and a hotbutton emotional issue that will grab readers.
* Having your heroine stand in front of a mirror so you can slip in a description of her is an over-used device. I'm more interested in what's going on with her emotionally than physically at this point. But just to illustrate a principle of writing I highlighted a few of your excess adjectives in green. They aren't as heinous as adverbs, but try to avoid overusing them. Go for specific nouns and descriptive verbs and you'll be ahead of the curve.
* The word 'was' was missing so I added it. Try reading your work aloud. I miss small words all the time and tend to hear they're missing quicker than I see something's wrong.
* Soldiers shouldn't be capitalized.
* If she witnessed the carnage, how did she escape it? You don't say in this excerpt.

She glanced down at the shears on the edge of the basin. Grabbing them in her fist, she held them to her heart. The cold metal points grazed her skin. The crimson of her own blood trickled down her ivory skin. The will to end this torment inside consumed her. If only she possessed the ability to carve away the pain and bitterness plaguing her, like some horrible insect, burrowing its way deep into her soul.


* You don't need 'own' before 'blood' here.
* We're in her POV. Would she think of her skin as ivory right now?
* Is she thinking about suicide? It's not clear. The Prime Directive of Writing is Be Clear. Don't make your reader have to guess what's happening because the prose isn't specific enough.
* I really hate bugs. This image of the burrowing insect makes me squirm . . . and not in a good way! I think I'd cut this sentence. I knew you would say that. Lol!

She slammed her fist against the mirror. “Damn the Yankees!” she cried out.

* Yay! We have some dialogue, but she's talking to herself!

They stripped her of everyone and everything that was dear to her. One of the few things left were her memories. She would never allow those memories to be taken from her. The intense hatred she felt consumed her, igniting a passion for revenge against them.

* This whole paragraph is wandering over ground we've already covered. I'd cut it all except the bit about revenge. I'd like to do a little "less is more" exercise. Here's your sentence:

The intense hatred she felt consumed her, igniting a passion for revenge against them.

Try this:

Hatred consumed her, igniting a passion for revenge.

These are still your words. There are just less of them. Cutting extraneous words strengthens what you're trying to say. Yes, it reads much smoother.

* A revenge plot is a strong one. Think Moby Dick and The Count of Monte Cristo. Just be careful your heroine doesn't sound unhinged. We want our heroine to be smart. Because I read your previous incarnation of this story, I know she intends to go to war disguised as a man. We need a hint of that here so her next actions are motivated. It's not such a crazy idea actually. There have been so many women sneaking into male regiments over the years, the Beaumonde RWA Chapter is sponsoring an online class about Women in War starting later this month. You've got a historically valid premise here! But she can't wreak revenge on the whole Union army. Have her settle on something or someone more specific. We have her shouted curse. Then we need action, not rumination and fortunately, you provide some in the next paragraph.

After a moment’s hesitation, she lifted the shears to her head, grabbing a chunk of her long, brown hair in her free hand. Savagely, she clipped away the curls, throwing them on the floor. She reached around and held the shears high, snipping away the remainder of the silky locks. Her beautiful curls, tossed away and soon to be forgotten, like the lives of those she loved.

* You did much better than me in the -ly word department, but you're addicted to adjectives. Yes, her hair may be long, brown, silky and beautiful, but she's not thinking about it like that now. It's just something to get rid of lest it keep her from her goal. Write like your character thinks.

The sound of footsteps pounding on the stairs startled her. She heard a gasp and swung to face the door.

“Good Lord Miss Brianna! What have you done to yo hair chile?”

* If you're doing an accent, editors want it accomplished using syntax (word order) not unusual spellings. Is this speaker a slave? One of the reasons the market shies away from Civil War romances is that this was such a painful time in our nation's history. My friend Eboni Snoe, the African-American author who got me started writing, says there is nothing romantic about that part of history from her perspective. Can't say I blame her.
When I chose this time period, I interviewed and researched several African-American people from the south. The pain and suffering of their ancestors truly is heartbreaking. I do not condone or glamorize any human beings suffering. This was truly a humbling experience for me during my research.
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A very emotional premise, vivid imagery and your character's motivation is very strong. Thanks for letting me critique your work, Jane. I'm mindful of the honor. When someone trusts you with their writing, they are trusting you with their heart. But we're also doing this public scrubbing for the edification of all my readers, so if you don't mind, I'll pull out the loofa and go to work on a few things.

First of all, I'm seeing a pattern here. The opening of my excerpt two weeks ago had a lone character. Last week, Saranna DeWylde's hero was dialoguing internally. And now your heroine is all by herself, talking to the mirror. We all need to give our H/h someone to talk to. Bring in the speaker at the end of the excerpt much sooner. Dialogue will make the scene read faster and you avoid the sense of an info dump.

Did your heroine consider suicide for a moment in this scene? If so, be careful. Your readers want to walk a mile in your heroine's shoes. Make sure they don't pinch so much at first, readers will yank them off and hurl them across the room. Later in a story, when we're invested in the character, we'll be willing to entertain darker thoughts. In the beginning you need your readers on your heroine's side.

You've done a terrific job motivating your heroine's extreme actions. I'd like to see her goals be a little better focused. Is there a Yankee unit or better yet, a Yankee officer whom she blames above all others? Make the goal as personal as her motivation. You're setting up the conflict here and the bones of your story are strong. It'll be interesting to see how you flesh it out. Make the conflict mean something down the road by making it personal.

Thanks so much for sharing with us, Jane! Please let us know when you sell.

I would like to thank Emily for the opportunity to experience a detailed critique. It is important that aspiring writers understand these are learning tools and should be used as such. You can take what you feel is valuable and leave the rest on the table. Finding a good critique group or partner will help you see these types of simple mistakes. Thanks again Emily! Now I can focus on my edits!

Author Bio: Jane Lange is an aspiring author focusing on writing historicals that are set in America. When she's not writing, she enjoys reading, collecting antiques or traveling with her real life hero, her husband Bryan.

And as a saavy pre-published writer, she's got a terrific website up already. Please visit http://www.janelange.com/ for more info!

And now it's YOUR turn. Did I get something wrong? Do you have any suggestions for Jane?