Red Pencil Thursday from Cyprus!

I've never met my guest writer for this week's Red Pencil Thursday, except through this blog. Glynis has been a frequent commenter here for some time and today, she's sharing the opening her of WIP with us. As usual for Red Pencil Thursdays, my comments are in red, Glynis's responses are italicized in purple. Yours may be added at the bottom of this post. Please feel free to share your thoughts here at this online critique group.

Ripper, My Love
You've already jerked my attention in with this title. Ripper My Love is a little like Springtime for Hitler. You don't think of either of them in connection with romance, but you've definitely piqued my interest.
Well that is a good start, but please don't get too excited Emily. It is fun playing with this story. And because JTR is an unknown, my imagination can run riot.

He stood back in the shadows and watched as the young redhead tripped, then reached out to steady herself against the wall. She didn't look as if she had been under the influence of alcohol, as many of the women in the area were. The watcher decided to stay within the blackness of the shadows, this was not the girl for him tonight.

I think you should use was instead of had been in the second sentence. Had been indicates something in the past when he's noticing her in the now. You're telling us she didn't look as if she was drunk, then you show us by having her steadying herself. Don't tell, then show. Just show. Your last sentence is actually two. Replace the comma with a period. By telling me now that this is not the girl for him you yanked away all the suspense. How about letting him consider her longer before deciding to pass?
I must remember to address both these issues. Letting him consider her a bit more, is something to ponder over. Thank you Emily.


Kitty lifted her skirts as she stepped gingerly through the dirty alley way, the gas lamp flickered and cast shadows about her. Never one for being nervous of her surroundings, Kitty felt a new sensation, a feeling of being watched or followed. No noises had made her skin crawl, just a feeling deep inside. She walked a little quicker and the clip of her heels echoed around the dimly lit, narrow lane.
You've switched POV characters from one paragraph to the next. Generally, that's a no-no. The reason to pick a character and stick with them is that this is how we begin to identify with the character. In order to build suspense, you must stay with the Ripper or cut the whole first paragraph and build on her sense of uneasiness through her POV. Replace the comma with a period and separate the first sentence into two.
I had considered using the first paragraph as a mini prologue. It is a paragraph I do not seem to be able to remove. It is a stubborn one. You are quite right, and I will put it to one side in favour of Kitty.
Now that's an interesting idea. If you decided to do a mini-prologue from JTR's POV, might I suggest you don't have him decide against choosing her for his attention until the end of the chapter when you can book-end it with a mini-epilogue from him? Just double space both places to indicate a POV switch.

Her father would skin her alive if he knew she had taken this way home. Before the new street lamps had been put in place, the city of London was in darkness and she would never have walked home this way. She mentally chided herself . (, o)Only a few weeks previous, a woman had been murdered in the area and they hadn't caught the murderer yet. Some of her neighbours with relatives near the murder scene, had been told the woman had been hacked to death, but her friend, Billy Irish said she had been cut up by a professional.

Ok, your heroine is in danger of being TSTL. If she's going to take this dangerous way, she needs a compelling reason. Otherwise we'll be disgusted with her for taking unnecessary risks. Your reader wants to walk in the heroine's shoes. Make sure we understand why she makes this risky choice. (Hint: The motivation of someone else's danger is the best reason for your heroine to do something she knows is risky.) There's a run-on sentence here that need to be broken up into two. You can see how I replaced the comma.
TSTL?
Oh, no. It sounds so much meaner in words than in just letters and my goal is not to be unkind. TSTL means "too stupid to live." Sorry, but the point is still valid. This reminded me a bit of the teenage slasher movies where everyone knows something bad will happen if she goes into the creepy basement, but she goes anyway. Now if there was a child in danger in the basement, we'd love her as heroic, but doing something dangerous without reason makes us doubt the heroine's intelligence. We want her to be smart. Sometimes I'm guilty of making my heroine do things to facilitate a plot point, but I always have to trash it and think of something else. It's wrong to make a character do something that makes her less a heroine just to fix a plot problem. Don't let her take a foolish risk without reason.
I see what you mean about Kitty having a reason for taking a risk. I will have a rethink, thanks.

Billy never said any more than that, just 'cut up by a professional'. Kitty often wondered what sort of person would be considered professional in Billy's eyes; maybe he meant a doctor. One of the surgeon types who cut off her mother's leg when the ulcers ate deeper into her flesh. If the woman had been hacked to death it would probably have been by a gang member from the riverside.
I'm seeing a pattern of run-on sentences so I turned them orange. This way you can take a look and decide how you'd like to break them up. One of the reasons I read my work aloud is so I can can catch overly long or awkward sentences. Anything I stumble over or have to take a breath to finish needs to be revised.
I want to leave you breathless Emily, but not this way. Thanks, I will set aside an edit session to rid myself of this bad habit. The run on sentences need addressing. I am going to have a reading out loud session with my beta reader soon. This will be the area I will focus on.


'Cut up by a professional', the words made Kitty shudder, it was a horrible thought that the murdered woman's life ended in a neat and tidy killing. Carried out just to satisfy another's need or fantasy. Maybe she had fallen behind with the rent and the landlord arranged her demise.

Kitty allowed her mind to continue along the morbid path of murder, her blood ran cold at the thought and she regretted walking through the short cut. The next time she returned from visiting her friends she would walk down Whitechapel Road. It was probably much safer, as there were more people walking along the street. She could hear the noise from the crowds turning out of the public houses and theatres in the distance, Kitty wished she was amongst them at that present time.
I'd cut the green sentence because it's telling and your next sentence shows the same thing.
How many times have I read this and not realised the repeat? Thanks and I will remove it. I think it reads much better without it.
It's a common error. I catch myself at it all the time. We do it because we're too close to the work and don't see it without a little time and distance.

She shivered from the chill of the night air, and as she did so, she lost her footing, she reached out to the wall to steady herself. If anyone had seen me then, she giggled inwardly, they would think I'd been helping myself to the ale at Mrs Ringer's.
I italicized her thoughts. To indicate it on a manuscript, you should underline what needs to be italicized. Actually, I think this is your first paragraph right here. It's what the Ripper sees at the beginning, so if you've decided to go with Kitty's POV, this is the same starting point. Plus your heroine comes across as charming in this self-deprecating moment.
Yes, I had forgotten to correct this thought section. I will ensure I do it when I rewrite. With regards to the first paragraph, I am going to do just as you suggest. It opens up the first chapter, and gets across what I am aiming for.


As she walked on she was relieved to see the end
And Glynis had to end on an incomplete sentence since I'm a stickler on my 500 word rule.
I'm afraid your work is suffering from the same problem my excerpt had--no one for your protagonist to interact with. Starting with lots of internal dialogue is not going to grab an editor.

But suspense might. If Kitty went this way because she's supposed to meet Billy, we could see her fretting and glancing over her shoulder. She could sag with relief when she hears the tune he always whistles coming her way in the dark. Then we could be privy to the realtime conversation about all the background info on previous deaths. Or you could stick with the Ripper's POV and have him shadow the two of them, gloating about overhearing the details of his crimes. And all the time we'd wonder if he was going to decide to kill them both.

Should I start it with Kitty or leave it with She? She shivered or Kitty shivered. I am wanting to change it to Kitty, the reader will know her name from the onset.
Definitely start with Kitty. You don't want to be like me and name the horse and the dog, but not the protagonist! LOL!
Glynis has sent me a new first paragraph to share with you, based on the critique:

Kitty shivered from the chill of the night air, and as she did so, she lost her footing. She reached out to the wall to steady herself. If anyone had seen me then, she giggled inwardly, they would think I had helped myself to the ale at Ma Parker's.

Yes! I like this better. And you can still work in the suspense through her POV. I hope you'll be giving her someone to walk and talk with as well.

Thanks for letting me take a look at your work, Glynis. Hope your public scrubbing didn't hurt too badly. I used my softest loofah, honest!

Glynis Smy was born in the UK, in the coastal town of Harwich. During her nursing career she wrote two poetry books, short stories and has been published in various magazines in the UK and Southern Cyprus, her new home since 2005.

Writing in the vineyards with no stress, has given her time and confidence to work her first novel, Ripper My Love. Check out her blog! It's a good one! http://www.glynissmy.com/

Red Pencil Thursday with Janet Louise Campbell

In case you've wandered here by accident, let me warn you that you've stumbled into an online critique group. Every Thursday (for as long as I have willing victims . . . Ooops! make that volunteers!) I pull out the red pencil and slash and burn through someone's WIP. Today the someone is Janet Louise Campbell. My comments are in red. Janet's responses are italicized in purple. Please feel free to add your own comments at the end of this post.

MACY’S PLACE
by Janet Louise Campbell
Lots of great novels have a person's name in the title. The Great Gatsy and Angela's Ashes come immediately to mind. Part of a title's function is to indicate what sort of story we'll be reading. The question I have after reading this title is 'Is this a romance?' And bear in mind I'll be looking for Macy to show up pretty quickly.Yes, Macy will be showing up in Chapter 1. I chose the title for various reasons. Macy’s father owns a bakery named…Macy’s Place, of course. After his death, she will have many choices to make about this bakery. And Macy is quite lost, still looking to find her place in life. Being a romance, her journey is about finding out where she belongs…and with whom!

“A vida vem em ondas como o mar.”
Life comes in waves like the sea.

-Brazilian poet Vinicius de Moraes
I adore having a poetic little post-it before the beginning of a chapter. That's why I had quotes from Mlle. LaTour's Memoirs in Vexing the Viscount. But I wrote that fictious courtesan's memoirs, so there was no problem excerpting it. If Mr. Moraes' work is not in public domain, you will need to obtain permission from him, or his publisher to use it.
Yes, I did consider this. I hope to use it but know I may have to give it up!

Tiradentes, Brazil
An exotic setting, if this is a romance. Personally, I applaud you. I love unique settings. But generally speaking, the romance market wants American settings for contemporary and English ones for historical. Choosing something else is a potential problem, but if an editor falls in love with the manuscript, they'll work something out. However, be aware you may have given an editor/agent a reason to say no just with your setting.
Great point. I have always written whatever story is in my heart, regardless of what an editor might think. And while I do start (and end) in Brazil, the majority of the story happens on Cape Cod. By the end of the prologue, the reader will realize this character is leaving for America.
No problem then.

Prologue

Leandro Cabral da Rosa wedged the untouched bottle of milk into the back pocket of his jeans and cradled his infant son against his chest. António continued to cry, refusing to be pacified. It was as if he already knew.
Oh, good hook. Something bad is about to happen. Beautifully telegraphed.

“Ele ainda chora?” Leandro’s mother asked from the doorway.
I like books that sprinkle in a flavor of another culture or language, but if you do it, make sure we can figure out what's been said from the context. I have no idea what the mother asked here. You don't want to confuse your reader or worse, make her feel stupid and left out of what's happening. I would prefer to see the question in English, with maybe a Portugese endearment tossed in. You've set me in Tiradentes. I figure they're speaking Portugese without being shown.
Yes, I’ll definitely clarify this!

“Sim.”
If this means yes, have him nod. If it means something else, you need to give your reader someway to figure it out. But be aware this early in the story, she may decide it's too much work.

Flavia wiped her hands on a faded green apron as she entered, and Leandro could smell the savory aromas of the roasting meat, rice, and beans she was preparing for lunch.

Excellent inclusion of other senses besides sight and hearing. My critique partner from Seattle is always encouraging me to make sure she can smell the scene.
I once read an interview with an author who said she made sure to use all 5 senses in every scene. It’s often a challenge, but I try my best.

“He misses his mother,” Flavia continued in Portuguese. Her head barely reached Leandro’s chest, and she had to reach up to take her grandson into her arms.

“Gabriela was never uma mãe to my son.” Leandro stretched his arms and shoulders.
Again, be wary of using too much foreign vocabulary, but this time, I'm guessing that means 'mama'. If that's not what it means, I'd advise cutting it. But even if I guessed correctly, you slowed me down with it. Not what you want. If you use foreign words be sure to underline them in your manuscript so they will be italicized in the final print.

“No, but he does not know this. He cries for what he has lost. For what he will soon lose again.”

At only fifty-one, Flavia had long dark hair already streaked with gray. Her face, with its deep-set wrinkles, was somehow more inviting, somehow wiser, thanks to those etchings whittled over the years by life. By worry. By heartache. Her eyes were dark but loving, knowing eyes that had seen little of the world but experienced much of life.

Sharply drawn characterization. In just a few sentences, I know who Flavia is.
Great!

“He has all the family he needs with three generations living under this roof.” Leandro offered his mother the bottle of milk. “And Carlos’s family so cl—”

“I saw the books,” she interrupted quietly, pressing the nipple to António’s lips.
Your dialogue rings so true. That's just how a mother would broach a thorny subject, blurting it out before she could call the words back. I'm a little confused though because it seems she's asking if he's going somewhere when she already knows he's leaving from the "For what he will soon lose again” comment earlier. Make sure there are no logic holes in your story.
Great catch! I missed that.

The English books Leandro had studied in school. The language he hadn’t spoken in almost twenty years. He nodded, unwilling, unable, to look her in the eye.

“I lost your father and your brother to that place. And now you will go also.”
Ok, now we're getting to the conflict. You might want to remove the parts that indicate the mother knows the decision has been made earlier. Otherwise, she's just nagging not reasoning with Leandro.

“Yes, father is gone, but Samuel—”

“Nossa Senhora! Samuel and his obsession with America. He is the same as his father.”
Don't know what Nossa Senhora means other than that she's disgusted with Leandro. Give me more context so I can puzzle it out if you want to leave it in.

“I cannot believe that.”

António finally stopped crying and accepted the milk Flavia prodded into his tiny mouth. He quietly suckled, as if listening to a conversation that would have great impact on his future.
Remove as if, because he is listening whether he understands it or not.
Interesting suggestion. I guess I have trouble considering an infant really listening but I guess he is.

“He will be released soon, Mamãe.”
You've thrown out a lot of names and male characters in a short time. We have Samuel, his father, Leandro's father and brother, even Antonio as possible candidates for the He in this sentence. And released from what? Prison? Be specific.

I like Mamãe. There's a word I can read right through with no trouble. You give the flavor without confusion.

“You do not know this, Leandro.”

He caressed his son’s tiny bare feet, feeling the hollow anguish of leaving deep inside his gut. Separation. The fate of so many Brazilian families.

Love the tiny feet. Beautiful detail that lets us feel his loss. We respond to heroes who feel this deeply.
I really enjoyed writing about a Latin male. They dance with passion. Sing. Feel deeply. They are often strong and male without having to prove it with machismo. I hate to generalize but this has been the case with so many that I have met on my trips to Brazil. Maybe that’s why I also married one!

“And António? What of your son?”

“I am doing this for meu filho. And for you and Samuel and Eliana.”
I think you should say him instead of meu filho. We already know they're speaking Portugese. You don't need that here. This is the prologue. You want your reader to rip through to the 1st chapter, not get bogged down.
I will definitely be cutting some of the Portuguese. I can see how too much will confuse and slow down the pace.

“This is what your father once said to me.”

Leandro spun around and stared hard into her eyes. “I am not him.”

“I am sorry,” she whispered, nodding slowly. “You are not. And will never be.”

“I work and work, but our money has no value. Still we have nothing. The wealthy and the corrupt have everything. You see the money that is coming here from America. The jobs. The new houses. The cars. Two more classes have emerged in our society. Those with family in America and those without.”
Clear motivation for our hero. He wants to provide for those he loves. I like it.

“I do not need a new car or a new house.”

“You need to live.”

Janet, you've constructed a moving opening here. The agony of Leandro's decision to leave is palpable as is his mother's sorrow over losing yet another of her men to America. Your choice of details is deft and vivid. There's some seriously good writing here. However, I want you to think long and hard about the amount of Portugese you've included. I recommend no more than 2 phrases and only if you can give enough context to make clear what the words mean. Does chapter one start with Leandro in America? If so, I think you're onto something. Have you submitted this to any contests?
Thank you so much! This is truly a book from my heart. I have only submitted to the Golden Heart. My agent has already read this novel, and I am working on her suggested revisions!

My Red Pencil Thursday guest author is Janet Louise Campbell. Janet inherited her mother’s love of books and her father’s Scottish tenacity. An avid traveler, she has lived in Mexico, explored Europe, and driven across America in a convertible. Janet enjoys reading and writing, photography and skiing, and hiking with her 100-pound yellow Lab, Jake. In 2007, she married Sergio, her own Brazilian hero. She lives on Cape Cod where she is at work on her third novel, MACY’S PLACE.

And now it is your turn! What advice do you have for Janet?

Red Pencil Thursday with Jordan Rose

Time for another online critique. When the author of today's excerpt approached me about a spot on Red Pencil Thursday, she specified that I should identify her by her pen name, Jordan Rose.

Even for a pre-published author, this is very business saavy. In a writing setting, authors should always present themselves as their pen name. The only reason anyone needs to know your real one is if there's a contract in the offing.

As usual on RPT, my comments will be in red. Jordan Rose's responses will be italicized in purple.


“Lu? Are you okay in there?” Peter called from the hallway.


Jordan's using 1st person. Starting with dialogue is a brillliant method of telling the reader the POV character's name right off the bat!
I’ve been paying attention to your blogs! Everything may not have sunk in, but this important point hit home.
Which puts you ahead of me. As you may recall on my critique of my own sad first manuscript, I named the horse and the dog, but not the hero or heroine. Sheesh!

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were doing it again, shimmering. The color was even changing, deepening. They were greener, like emeralds. But how could my eyes change? I leaned a little closer, opened them wide, squinted, blinked and focused. What the hell? How could this happen?

Ok, this is promising. You've raised some questions in my mind which is the writer's goal in every opening. Is Lu on drugs and hallucinating? If there's really something happening to her, her eyes need to completely change color, not just deepen. That can happen to anyone given the right lighting. A few unshed tears will also make someone's eyes shimmer. Do you mean her eyes were glowing? Was light refracting in them as if they were gemstones? Don't make your reader guess.

Point of formatting. In the version I received, Jordan had two spaces between sentences. That's what editors used to like. Now the standard is for only one. In case you're wondering, most also want 12pt Courier or Courier New and one inch margins all around.

Yes, glowing is more accurate. Although, her eyes have always been green, they are drastically different in this situation. There should be no possibility of wondering if it’s the light refracting or unshed tears. I think after describing them so many times in my drafts I assumed that anyone reading my description was right with me! I’ll work on clearing that up. Thanks for the formatting tip.

Ok. If her eyes are drastically different you need to be very specific on how. If they are normally the pale green of a new birch leaf and have now taken on the dark bottle green of a '48 Plymouth, say so. Do her eyes pulse between the two different colors? Make it significant so people know what type of story they are reading.

Deep inside, I felt the low, thrumming ache begin to build. “Oh, God. Not this again,” I whispered to my reflection as I leaned on the counter to steady myself.

Good. Now I have another clue that something out of the ordinary is going on, but I want specifics. Where is the ache? Her head? Her belly? Her chest? Thank you for resisting the temptation to have her give me a description of herself. Since Lu is standing in front of a mirror, your restraint is doubly commendable! Kudos for focusing on the unusual things happening to her instead.

But I can't resist the impulse to tighten your prose a bit. I have personal vendetta against -ly words and the word 'felt.' Try this:

Deep inside her chest, the low thrumming ache began to build.

Thanks for this idea. When I wrote ‘deep inside’ I meant in the pit of her stomach, building up through her chest, practically taking over her body. I like your suggestion and would probably go with- ‘Deep inside my chest, the low thrumming ache began to build’ as the next paragraph describes the ache.

I like the idea of it starting in the pit of her stomach, growing and spreading. You should go with that. Don't be afraid to give your readers specific details. This way, your reader experiences the sensation with your heroine as she does, instead of being told the heroine 'felt' it. Oh! And good catch on my correction. You turned your version back into 1st person. I always use 3rd, so I was running home to mama.

Thanks for the help with ‘felt’. It comes up a couple of times, and I’ve struggled with rewording to keep the reader active.

The constant pulse, separate from my own, called to me, almost like a warning of some sort. It quietly, steadily pulsed until it worked itself up into a cadence that my own heart tried to match. But it was too fast, too loud, too deep. My heart couldn’t compete. I clung to the counter, waiting for it to subside. The last thing I wanted to do was end up on the floor of the ladies room at the Christmas party.

I would cut every highlighted word in this paragraph. Read it aloud and see what you think. Sometimes, we weaken our prose with too many extra words, with qualifiers that negate what we're trying to say, or with redundancies.

Good way to place us at the Christmas party, BTW.

Thanks for cutting the extra words. Sometimes it’s hard to determine if I’m making the point with the less is more idea or missing the target, or am I just going that extra step of bogging down the prose with too many words.

The rule is always: Be clear. Use specific details and don't clutter it up with extras.

I took a deep breath in through my nose, held it for a second and closed my eyes. Concentrate Lucia. This will pass. You’ll be fine.

Is it crucial to know she breathed through her nose? Cut it otherwise. A second of holding your breath isn't long enough to be remarkable. Have her count to 10 in Mandarin or mentally sing 'Jingle Bells' or something as a grounding exercise. You might want to italicize Concentrate, Lucia. This will pass. You'll be fine. since all of this is her direct thought. The standard way to indicate a passage needs to be italicized is to underline it.
Good point on the breathing. I’d like to think she’s not a mouth-breather, so that detail is not necessary! Thanks for catching the internal dialogue error. I think I had removed the italics with the plan to underline the passage and didn’t follow through.

“Lu?” The door creaked, and a perfectly coifed head of blond hair appeared. Peter hesitated before leaning around the door. “Are you all right?” His midnight blue eyes locked onto mine, and in a flash they widened and narrowed. His eyebrows pulled together, and he stepped into the ladies room.

'Coifed' is both a historical sounding word and a feminine one. Is Peter gay? If so, you telegraphed it beautifully. Otherwise, a head of perfectly in place blond hair might be what you mean.

Okay! He’s definitely not gay- so out with coifed! I’ll rework that one.

My critique group in Seattle had a bug-a-boo about roving body parts. They'd be all over you about eyes locking. Technically, their gazes locked, not their eyes. As my gal pals would say, "Ew" for eyeballs touching.

I’ll have to agree with your critique group- eyeballs touching does sound gross! I’ll switch that for ‘gaze.’

“I’ll be right out,” I said and darted into a stall. Through the crack I watched him linger for a moment. He stared at the mirror as if he was watching my reflection in the glass. He fiddled with his tie and brushed lint from his tuxedo jacket before turning toward the door.

You can delete the 'said' diaglogue tag and just use the action I darted into a stall to indicate who's talking. The sentence 'He stared at the mirror as if he was watching my reflection in the glass' confused me. What are you trying to say? Was he watching the stall she'd darted into?

I stumbled a little bit on him staring at the mirror. In my mind, his gaze finds hers through the crack in the door. I’ll work on this too, he’s no superman, so he can’t see through the door! But I want to make it clear that he’s suspicious about her eyes.

In that case, you need for him to say something before she darts into the loo. As writers we have the luxury of knowing what all our characters are thinking all the time. Readers don't. And since you're using 1st person, your heroine doesn't either. She only knows he's suspicious if he says something or if she picks up on his body language. If you go with the latter don't make the reader guess. We need something concrete to show what's happening.

Up until this point no one had noticed my eyes. It was a blessing and a curse. I was terrified someone would notice and I’d end up in the midst of an exorcism. But at the same time, the fact that no one did notice made me wonder if it was really happening or if it was all part of my imagination?

I think you mean 'Up to this point' instead of until. No one has noticed them yet. Until makes it sound as if someone has.

Making changes to the description of her eyes in the beginning will help with this point. I think ‘until’ might be correct here, because Peter does notice them, of course, that may not be obvious enough in this draft.

Again, if it's only a slight change in pigmentation, that happens with hazel eyes especially depending on lighting and what the person is wearing. Even a total eye color change can be explained away by special contacts . . . unless the eye color is not one usual for humans, say orange or deep purple or pupils elongating into eliptical shapes or the color in her irises bleeding out to cover the whites of her eyes. I think something more drastic needs to be happening for her to be this freaked out.

I peered through the crack and watched the sparkling fade. My eyes were greener than ever before, but at the very least, they weren’t glowing.

Ok, now we've got better words, but even so, people's eyes are often described as sparkling or even glowing. But I doubt she could see her eyes in the mirror through a crack in the toilet stall. She'd just see the crack in the mirror unless her eyes were really doing some kind of space alien thing.

The onset of both the sparkling and the ache occurred around the same time the dreams increased. I’d been dreaming of the same man my entire life. We grew up together on a vineyard in Italy in the 1600s. Eventually we married. The dreams had always been nice dreams, nothing terrifying, nothing even remotely worrisome, until recently.

Lately I dreamt of Vittorio being attacked by a redheaded woman. I awoke more times than not in a state of grief so overwhelming that I’d rather die than take another breath. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind, or worse- being possessed by demons.

Now we're getting somewhere. Is this like a Somewhere in Time story? Could her eyes be changing back into the color they were when she lived with Vittorio? Does she think it's weird that she's always had these vivid dreams of someone she hasn't met?

This story is about reincarnation and searching for her ‘original’ husband. Her eyes have been green in every lifetime, but the changes in them symbolize something that she doesn’t learn about until later in the book.

Unfortunately, after a nice long bit of showing what's happening to Lu, you reverted to telling for the dreams. I think I'd rather not have this info dump here. I'd rather you let me in on one of her dreams in real time as she's having it. You could toss in a short hook about the dreams here. Or give her a short flash of a waking dream. Emphasis on short because you want to keep the story moving forward instead of bogging down in a flashback. If there aren't any demonic characters in this story, I wouldn't reference them or exorcisms here because you're setting the reader up to expect them. And if they don't get them, they'll feel cheated. Chekov said if there's a gun in the 1st act, it must go off in the 3rd.

Great point on the data dump. I’ll figure a way around this. The prologue to this book is one of her dreams, actually a nightmare and I was trying to make that clear with this, but I’ll work that out another way.
The story is an Urban Fantasy Romance involving vampires as the other main characters. So no demons, but for some people, vampires are not a far leap from demons!

Not being a vampire fan, I can't speak for others, but I am a bit of a theologian. Demons are angels who rebelled and fell with Lucifer. A vampire is a being who was once human, but has been infected through a bite from another vampire and is doomed to an eternal life with no soul and an unslakeable thirst. I still think the beginning of a story is when you set reader expectations. Begin as you mean to continue. What do you say, paranormal readers? Are demons and vampires synonymous enough that it's ok for her to mention them this way?

It's hard to reduce a story, especially one as complex as I suspect this one is, to a 500 word snippet. Thanks for letting us go to school on you, Jordan.

Thanks so much for the critique. I appreciate the insight.

Jordan doesn't have a blog or website yet, so I can't send you elsewhere for more info. (Time to get on that, Jordan!)

Now it's your turn. If you're here, you're a member of the Red Pencil Club with all the rights and privileges thereto. Please feel free to speak your mind. I may have gotten it all wrong, so feel free to say so!

Red Pencil Thursday

If it's Thursday, I'm sharpening my red pencil! Please welcome Donna Labbe, our guest author, to our online critique group. Donna's a pre-published author and a member of my local RWA chapter. She says she has a thick skin (which is a must if a writer doesn't want her stay in Writerland to be painful and brief!) but the goal here isn't to inflict pain. The point of Red Pencil Thursdays is to help us all learn better practices and share writing tips. If you're reading this, consider yourself an official member of the Red Pencil Club and entitled to share your thoughtful opinion.

And Donna is entitled to ignore all of us!

Writers retain ultimate control of their own work. Critique comments are only suggestions. But none of us come down the mountain with our words carved in stone. I revise constantly and only the deadline to turn in the manuscript makes me stop! There are a million different ways to tell a story. Our job as writers is to find the best one.

This excerpt is from Donna's thriller INNOCENCE LOST. My comments are in red and Donna's responses are italicized in purple.

Chapter One

The elevator doors opened facing the sign for Children’s Psychiatry. Seth Bellingham froze. Places like this never changed. Dreary, gray waiting areas were filled with old, broken toys and troubled people. He felt like he was fifteen again, and angry with his mother for forcing him to come. Talking to someone wouldn’t help. No one understood how he felt and no one ever would. They kept asking him, how it made him feel. Why? They didn’t care.

You've got an evocative image here. Let's see if we can sharpen it up by adding some fresh sensory details and removing excess material. An auditory cue pulls us into closer POV. What does an elevator door sound like? Can we say 'The elevator doors whirred open facing a CHILDREN'S PSYCHIATRY sign.' I love that your hero freezes. Great way to telegraph a history. The "Dreary gray" sentence is a little generic. Can you give us a smell that will jerk your hero back into his 15 year old self?
Good catch, will work on this over breakfast with a friend, who knows this floor.
Scent is the sense tied to memory. I remember my tough guy dad blinking away tears after he opened a cabinet in my great grandparent's abandoned cabin and the smell of cinnamon flooded the room. He was suddenly a little boy waiting for the cookies to come out of his grandma's oven again.

Be careful using the word 'felt.' It is by definition telling instead of showing. Say "He was fifteen again ..." and we'll follow you.
Thanks, Emily. This was added recently by the gentle nudging of a CP. My inner self really didn’t want it. Jumping up and down saying Yeah, my instincts were right.
It's hard to overestimate the value of a critique partner, but ultimately, the decisions about your work are YOURS! That said, if you get the same comment from multiple sources, think about it long and hard before you ignore it.

The tap on his arm brought Bellingham back to the present. He saw his new partner and childhood friend, a tall, wiry, red head named, Jake O’Brien, eyeing him with caution before he asked, “Are you okay? Did they get the results back on your father’s tests, yet?”

Since we're in Bellingham's POV, be careful to only include details he would notice. Jake may be tall, wiry and red headed, but a guy isn't likely to think this way about another guy. We don't need to know those things about Jake yet. I'm more intrigued by the fact that he eyes the hero with caution.

Once again a point of discussion in critique group as to how much info to give. I prefer to hold back, others want more. Please, help me decide. I’m okay going with his new partner, but he is a strong secondary, how long do I wait to describe him? My gut says to give your reader only what they need to continue. Witholding info is one of the ways authors hook readers into reading on. Salting the character description in over the course of the first scene is the best way to go. He could fold his tall wiry frame into a crouch to pick up a scrap of paper under the desk, for example. He might shove his red hair out of his eyes or under a ball cap. However you do it, remember you're in your hero's POV. What will he notice about his friend, whom he's known a long time? That's all you should include here.

And I'm really glad you've dropped in a good hook about his father. Obviously, there's plenty going on in our hero's life even before he steps into the special world of your story.
Glad you liked this, made me smile.
One of the keys to creating characters that breathe on their own is the sense that they have a history, even if we don't know all of it.

Bellingham shoved the elevator door that bumped him for the second time, and stepped out. “I don’t know what the results are. The old man threw me out after I dropped my mother off.” He changed the subject of his father with years of practice and asked, “What do we have?”

Another good hook. Not only does his father have a health issue, father and son are pretty estranged. You've laid the groundwork for a solid subplot that makes our hero more interesting and conflicted.

Jake gave him the rundown. “The hospital security was here first, followed by a couple of uniforms. They secured the scene and waited for us. I got here a few minutes ago.”

You've told us then shown us. You don't need to tell us Jake gave him the rundown. Maybe you could have him flip open a small notepad if you need an action tag to make sure we know who's talking.
I like your suggestion, because I hate the line and tried to change it many times. Oh, and I plead guilty to lack of tags. The characters are so loud in my head, I seem to think everyone can hear them.
It's ok to go tagless. I prefer using action or better yet, unique speech patterns to indicate who's talking. Just don't tell us he did something, then show him doing it.

Bellingham followed Jake down the hall, past all the doors that normally would’ve been closed, hiding the private sessions of pain and trauma. Today the doors were open, filled with faces of doctors and patients curious about someone else’s misery. The last time he’d seen a place like this, he was a scared, lanky fifteen-year-old with dark shaggy hair, and a gut full of pain and guilt. His years in the military and on the police force created his muscular six-two frame, and taught him how to make use of his dark features and impenetrable aura to put fear in other people.

Another good peek into Seth's past, but remember we're in his POV. He isn't thinking about his muscular 6'2" frame, dark features or impenetrable aura. Those thing are better described by an interested member of the opposite sex.
Yeah, he’s not vain enough to think this way. My main goal was to compare his weakness to his strength in size, body power and emotional strength. Maybe, it’s the wrong spot and person doing the description. I think if I change it to this it may work better:

The last time he’d seen a place like this, he was a scared fifteen year- old, with a gut full of pain and guilt. His years in the military and on the police force rid him of the fear, but the pain and guilt still lingered and grew stronger the longer he was forced to stay in Maine.

Hooray for heroes who aren't vain! Yes, I like this change! Plus it makes me wonder what's forcing him to stay in Maine. Raising another question in a readers mind is an invitation for them to keep reading.

When Jake and Bellingham reached the door, blocked by crime scene tape, they ducked under the strips of yellow and black plastic to enter the office. Bellingham had become desensitized to dead bodies and gruesome scenes, unless it involved a child. He could ignore the stench, blood and decay, but the woman in sitting in her office chair before him stopped him cold. He rubbed his hand down the back of his neck to warm it.

Let's try a tightening exercise. Here's your sentence:
When Jake and Bellingham reached the door, blocked by crime scene tape, they ducked under the strips of yellow and black plastic to enter the office.
How about . . .
Jake and Bellingham ducked under the crime scene tape to enter the office.
Still your words, just less of them. I think it reads cleaner. Sometimes less really is more.
Yes, I like it. Less is more and good things come in little packages – hey, I’m little.
This is the kind of thing I try to do with my entire manuscript. Going sentence by sentence, ask yourself if you can say the same thing with fewer, crisper words.

If her door had been open, most people would have passed by not realizing anything was wrong. The beginning odor of death coming from the body fluid seepage was becoming noticeable, but her hair, make-up and dress masked the dead eyes and graying pallor visible upon closer inspection. The sick bastard who had killed her then brought her back to her desk had set her up for her day at work complete with her morning coffee and a bottle of water.

According to HOUSE (one of my guilty pleasures), when someone dies, all their sphincters relax. If you're going for the odor of feces, say so. It's pungent and shocking and a perfect sensory detail for this type of story. This one I’m leaving and for a good reason. My daughter gave a great workshop at the NEC conference with Jessica Andersen. They debunked T.V. “facts”. Yes, the sphincter relaxes, but it isn’t the only body fluid you lose. She explained the whole gory thing to me and said if it holds fluids, it lets go and from every orifice. Yeah, probably T.M.I. Ok! If you've learned to stand your ground when you feel you're right, our time has been well spent. An author has to choose what details she includes. But I wonder if we can personalize this detail more? How about The odor of death, the seepage of bodily fluids, assaulted Bellingham's nostrils. ? This pulls us into closer POV and makes the details matter more because our hero is experiencing them.

The last sentence is a little awkward. Let's slash a few extra words (mostly 'had's) and maybe break it into two sentences. How about . . .
Some sick bastard killed her, then brought her back to her desk. He set her up for her day at work complete with her morning coffee and a bottle of water.
I am taking the changes to this last sentence, it reads way better. Subtle changes, but great.
You'd have caught it yourself if you'd read it aloud. I find lots of my awkward sentences that way!


You've set up a compelling crime scene and a complicated hero. Thanks for letting me take a peek at your work, Donna!
Emily, this was a wonderful experience and not the least bit painful. What you suggested has made the beginning stronger and also reassured me in certain areas. You are offering a valuable service. Keep it going. Thank you.

My pleasure, Donna. As long as I have willing victims--oops! I mean 'volunteers'--I'll continue Red Pencil Thursday. If you'd like to have an online critique, please contact me through my website.

Donna's Bio:

Donna Labbe loves reading hot romance and psychological thrillers, but wants it all in one book, kind of like chocolate and peanut butter. She's been writing sensual psychological thrillers for six years and finds it is a very therapeutic outlet for stress. While waiting for the call, she continues to create twisted villains. She's a PRO member of RWA, the New England, Maine, and KOD chapters.
Visit her website: http://www.donnalabbe.com/



Ok, now it's time for all you Red Pencilers to get a crack at this post. Have I missed something? Did I get something wrong? Please leave your comments and suggestions!

Red Pencil Thursday with Gillian Layne

Since I started Red Pencil Thursday, we've had writers at all points along the publishing spectrum--Saranna DeWylde (under contract/debut novel HOW TO LOSE A DEMON IN 10 DAYS due out in November), Jane Lange (aspiring writer) and today, we have Gillian Layne.

Gillian's entry TO SEDUCE A PROPER ROGUE is a Golden Heart Finalist this year. In case you're not familiar with that writing contest, let me just share that it is THE most prestigious contest for unpublished writers. By the time the GH winners are announced at RWA Nationals this summer, lots of the finalists have their first contract in hand. These are writers who are inches from publication.

So as you can imagine, I looked forward to giving the red pencil treatment to the talented Ms. Layne. As always, my observations are simply my opinions. She should impliment or ignore them as she chooses. Critiqueing is absolutely subjective. With any critique, authors must remember whose story it is. If you change to please every critique point, you won't recognize your story in short order. If you decide a comment has merit, act on it. If you disagree, that's ok. Only YOU can tell your story.


This excerpt is not from Gillian's Golden Heart entry. This is the 2nd in her Bluestocking Seduction Society trilogy. My comments are in red, Gillian's responses italicized in purple.



TO TEMPT A WICKED KISS Good title. However, as Gillian properly says, it's a working title. When a manuscript is acquired, the publishing house decides what the final title will be. Sometimes the author is consulted. Sometimes not.

Chapter One

Sisters with morals were a dreadful nuisance.

Brilliant hook! You used a reversal to pique our interest. Morals are generally a good thing. Because you indicate otherwise here, we're spurred into reading on to find out why. I’m so glad. Although I didn’t realize it until I’d written half the book, morals are a major theme in this story.

“I’m dead. Tell him I’m dead, Maddie. If I’m dead, surely he’ll find someone else to poke and prod and torture this fine Tuesday afternoon.” Matching deed to words, Rebecca Stayton collapsed among the feather pillows littering her bed.

Fresh use of 'littering'. You don't normally associate litter with feather pillows. Finding a unique, but fitting, use for a word makes an editor's "acquiring antenna" perk. And delights readers.

“What a treat you would be for the practitioners at the Royal College of Surgeons. Instead of a lifeless corpse, they find you stretched upon the cold slab, no doubt lecturing on inappropriate medical treatment.” Madeline rescued a mewing kitten from the depths of a discarded afghan upon the floor and settled him into a bedside basket with his littermates. “Now be a good patient and smile for the doctor. Life, although a trial at times, is preferable to the alternative.”

The homely details of kittens and afghans are nice touches and sets the scene with a deft hand. With only a few words, you invite the reader to fill in the blanks to create a mental image of the room the sisters are in. Reader involvement keeps pages turning and invests them in the story.

“Not with the choice of suitors Uncle brings home.” Rebecca propped up on her elbows, blowing an errant curl out of her face. “I am, in truth, the very picture of health. It’s criminal, your obsession with my simple cold, while countless others languish, deprived of desperately needed medical attention.”

This reminds me of a comment Avon author Katharine Ashe left on one of the earlier Red Pencil posts about dropping in little nuggets of description of your character instead of a dump. We know Rebecca's hair is long enough to get in her way, but we don't need to know what color it is. We're far more interested in what she says and does.

“I’ll concede your lungs are unharmed.” Madeline pointed an imperial fingertip toward the headboard.

I really like the way you use action instead of dialogue tags to remind me who's speaking, but this action puzzled me. If she wants her in bed instead of on it, perhaps lifting the covers for her would be more clear. Plus when we point, it's generally with our finger. It's a built-in redundancy, like saying someone blinked their eyes. Well, what else would they blink? Ha! That’s just me being in love with the term ‘imperial fingertip’, which is silly. I could as easily have her snap the sheets back. The last thing I want is a confused reader. Amen. Confused readers turn books into wall-bangers!

Rebecca squelched the urge to stick out her tongue and instead crawled back under the covers, grimacing as her sister tucked yet another blanket about her.“Why don’t you ever turn ill?”

This is the first clear indication whose POV (Point of View) we're in. I'd like it to come sooner. As a reader, I'm wondering who's story this is going to be. Establishing POV early lets me know. I suspected it's Rebecca at first, but the fact that she "squelched" something is the first time you've pulled me in close enough to be sure. This is so important, and I address how I might clarify POV at the end of the critique.

“I eat what is necessary and no more, wear my gloves at all times, and rest when the doctor says I ought.”

This tells us volumes about Madeline. She is a "pattern" sort of girl. We value individuality today, but in Victorian times, calling a girl 'pattern' was a compliment. She was always correct, moderate and obedient. I love learning historical terms. That is new to me. I gleaned it from Inside the Victorian Home by Judith Flanders. Excellent reference material.

“Let’s not forget the benefits of my herbal remedies,” she added, ignoring Madeline’s censorious tone. “No one who remembers to drink my special tea falls ill. If I hadn’t given my last batch to that family at the Stafford coach stop, I’d have never developed this fever.” A smart rap upon the bedroom door pulled Madeline’s attentions away long enough for Rebecca to tuck her last bag of treasured lemon drops under a pillow.

You have mastered the art of subtext. The fact that she hides the drops shows us what Madeline thinks of Rebecca's views on natural remedies without having you tell us.

“You may enter.”

The physician who strode through the doors, however, pausing only long enough to drape his long coat across the camelback sofa and nod respectfully to Madeline—of course, he was respectful to Madeline, whose graceful stance never faltered—was not the elderly Scotsman who had visited Rebecca’s bedside each day for the past week. This gentleman’s frank stare or brisk conduct could never be confused with the rambling manner of their jovial family doctor.

Here the little 'of course, he was respectful to Madeline ...' is another peek into Rebecca's head, grounding us further in her POV. Because I suspect I'll like her enormously, I'd enjoy seeing this sort of thing a little earlier and more often.

Physicians ought not visit their patients looking quite so robust and well kept and—and virile. Such observations would be rather lowering, if the disheveled patient gave a fig about the immaculate physician’s opinion. Thankfully, she suffered from no such inclinations.

I'm 99. 9% sure the she I highlighted is Rebecca, but I'd like to see you use her name here. When you have a scene where there is more than one of a gender, you don't want any confusion. You’re right!

With a lovely economy of words, you've let us know we're meeting the hero. No one else would deserve 'virile.'

And again, you've made clever use of subtext. You've said what you don't mean. Rebecca protests too much. She obviously cares a great deal that this particular man is seeing her disheveled whether she realizes it yet or not. Readers enjoy being able to figure things out before the characters do.

“What are you doing here?”

Ah! Suspicion confirmed. I was sure she knew him! Your use of subtext has made me feel smart. Readers like that. A lot.

“Rebecca! Mind your tongue,” Madeline whispered before nodding in return to the gentleman. “Dr. Guilford. How kind of you to call.”

The gentleman smiled understandingly at Madeline—of course, he smiled at Madeline, whose braided hair was coiled neatly away and not tumbling down in a tangled mess—before turning a bland frown to Rebecca. “And a pleasant day to you, Miss Rebecca. Might I assume your less than cordial greeting indicates some lingering malady on your part?”

The little 'of course' aside is a nice feature I hope you continue as the story progresses. Actually, I do, and I’m glad you like it. ;-)

I'm thinking again about your opening hook and I'm wondering about the choice of the word 'morals.' Both sisters seem equally moral, but one is decidedly more conventional. Is there something coming soon that makes the word moral make more sense? Otherwise, I wonder if you want to change it to something reflecting Madeline's perceived perfection instead of morals.

You are right, and this is a another example of me so clearly picturing what’s happening in the story that I failed to paint an adequate picture for the reader. ‘Moral’ refers to the fact that Madeline won’t lie and get rid of the doctor—Rebecca has no problem with little white lies. But I should change Rebecca’s first dialogue to something that reflects that, such as “I’m dead. Tell him I’m dead, Maddie. One little lie won’t lock the gates of heaven to you.” Or I could use her thinking about perfect Madeline getting into heaven regardless of a lie to establish the initial POV you mentioned earlier. Regardless, the hook needs to make sense to work.

I like the "One little lie" solution. Wraps it up neatly and reinforces the difference between the two women. You could even add a quick "of course" aside. Of course, measured against Madeline's perfections a small fib wouldn't tilt the scales one jot. Makes sense of the hook and establishes POV. Oh, and while we're on the subject, you might change the hook to A sister with morals was a dreadful nuisance since it's only one of them whose morals are creating a dilema for the other at present.

Thanks for letting me look at your work, Gillian. You've whetted my appetite for more!

I’m grateful for your sharp eyes and spot-on advice, Emily. You’re very generous to volunteer your time for these critiques. Thank you!


Because I found so few no-no's in Gillian's work, I'd like to talk a little about voice because hers is a perfect example of a historical voice.

What do I mean by voice?

There is a cadence, a rhythm to strings of words that lends itself to certain types of stories. It all boils down to word choice and sentence structure. If you read contemporary comedy, the tone is sassy and irreverent. The sentences will be generally shorter. Punchier. For urban fantasy, authors choose words with harsher consonants in keeping with the gritty atmosphere. Historical authors tend to write longer, more complicated sentences. If you read a historical aloud, there is a balance, a symmetry to the prose.

I've heard authors despair about "finding" their voice. It's not lost. It's in you. It's how you think, how you're wired. Instead, find your sub-genre. If you can identify which type of story most closely fits your unique style, you'll save yourself tons of heartache.

Gillian Layne's bio: I have been an avid reader of romance for fifteen years, but only considered writing romance after entering the Avon Fanlit contest in the fall of 2006. After a few false starts, I have completed two Regency historical
manuscripts. I belong to RWA and the Beau Monde Regency chapter.

My blog, The Gentle Art of Conversation,
may be found at http://gillianlayne.blogspot.com/




And now it's your turn. Do you have some advice for Gillian? Have I missed something? Am I wrong about something? A critique group's strength is in numbers and diversity of opinion. If you're reading this, you're a member of the group on Red Pencil Thursdays. Make your voice heard.

Red Pencil Thursday with Jane Lange

It's Thursday so it's time for another online critique. Today our willing victim, er I mean volunteer, is Jane Lange. Regular visitors to my blog will recognize her as commenter Jane L. Because she submitted the winning name in my Name A Character Contest last summer, when STROKE OF GENIUS comes out on May 25th, Jane has a special thank you coming from me in the acknowledgements.

Jane is an aspiring writer and I met her for the first time at RT when she came early for Bobbi Smith's Aspiring Writer BootCamp. Jane actually sent me two versions of her excerpt this week. The first was one she'd worked on with a writing coach whom she'd paid to go over her manuscript. The result was disjointed and flat. The coach had edited out her voice. This second version (which was her original) has a better flow. I share this with you as a cautionary tale. Not all manuscript doctors are worth your dollars. If you consider using one, make sure you get references and call them. Ask if the changes the coach made resulted in a sale or a contest win before you plunk down your cash.

As always when I do a critique, I'm only offering my opinion. It may only be worth what you're paying for it, Jane! (Which is nothing, in case the rest of you are wondering!)

The following excerpt is from her historical manuscript Love's Soft Surrender. My comments are in red. Jane's responses are italicized in purple.

Love's Soft Surrender Be sure to add the apostrophe to Love's. Otherwise, it seems as if there are multiple loves in the manuscript--which would be a different sort of story altogether.

Spring 1864
West Virginia I'm sure you know this already, but the historical market is skewed toward Regency England. I've even heard acquiring editors say that first time authors should set their story in the Regency if they want to increase their chances of selling. That said, write the story that moves you, wherever and whenever it takes place. Writing to the market can backfire if you don't have any passion for the setting. This is so true. A writer must write what inspires them and for me, my heart is in America.


Brianna lifted her trembling hand and reached out with bloodstained fingers. The blood of her parents before she buried them. She traced the profile of her face in the dusty mirror. The soft peach kissed glow of her skin (was) gone. She moistened her dry, cracked, lips with the tip of her tongue. The shadowy circles under her once sparkling green eyes reflected the torment of the last few days. Something inside her snapped after witnessing the death and destruction the Yankee Soldiers rained down on her family’s home. When would this nightmare end?

* You're ahead of me already. You named your protagonist right away, when I let mine wander around without one two weeks ago. But I want to talk about names for a minute. Choice of name helps ground your reader in another time. Brianna wasn't a popular female name in 1864. Though it may have Celtic roots as the feminine of Brian, in fact, it surfaced in the 1970s and is in the top 20 female baby names now. Visit http://www.galbithink.org/names/us200.htm for a listing of common US names based on the census from 1800-1999.
* I wasn't expecting bloodstained fingers. Good hook.
* Dead parents. Another good hook and a hotbutton emotional issue that will grab readers.
* Having your heroine stand in front of a mirror so you can slip in a description of her is an over-used device. I'm more interested in what's going on with her emotionally than physically at this point. But just to illustrate a principle of writing I highlighted a few of your excess adjectives in green. They aren't as heinous as adverbs, but try to avoid overusing them. Go for specific nouns and descriptive verbs and you'll be ahead of the curve.
* The word 'was' was missing so I added it. Try reading your work aloud. I miss small words all the time and tend to hear they're missing quicker than I see something's wrong.
* Soldiers shouldn't be capitalized.
* If she witnessed the carnage, how did she escape it? You don't say in this excerpt.

She glanced down at the shears on the edge of the basin. Grabbing them in her fist, she held them to her heart. The cold metal points grazed her skin. The crimson of her own blood trickled down her ivory skin. The will to end this torment inside consumed her. If only she possessed the ability to carve away the pain and bitterness plaguing her, like some horrible insect, burrowing its way deep into her soul.


* You don't need 'own' before 'blood' here.
* We're in her POV. Would she think of her skin as ivory right now?
* Is she thinking about suicide? It's not clear. The Prime Directive of Writing is Be Clear. Don't make your reader have to guess what's happening because the prose isn't specific enough.
* I really hate bugs. This image of the burrowing insect makes me squirm . . . and not in a good way! I think I'd cut this sentence. I knew you would say that. Lol!

She slammed her fist against the mirror. “Damn the Yankees!” she cried out.

* Yay! We have some dialogue, but she's talking to herself!

They stripped her of everyone and everything that was dear to her. One of the few things left were her memories. She would never allow those memories to be taken from her. The intense hatred she felt consumed her, igniting a passion for revenge against them.

* This whole paragraph is wandering over ground we've already covered. I'd cut it all except the bit about revenge. I'd like to do a little "less is more" exercise. Here's your sentence:

The intense hatred she felt consumed her, igniting a passion for revenge against them.

Try this:

Hatred consumed her, igniting a passion for revenge.

These are still your words. There are just less of them. Cutting extraneous words strengthens what you're trying to say. Yes, it reads much smoother.

* A revenge plot is a strong one. Think Moby Dick and The Count of Monte Cristo. Just be careful your heroine doesn't sound unhinged. We want our heroine to be smart. Because I read your previous incarnation of this story, I know she intends to go to war disguised as a man. We need a hint of that here so her next actions are motivated. It's not such a crazy idea actually. There have been so many women sneaking into male regiments over the years, the Beaumonde RWA Chapter is sponsoring an online class about Women in War starting later this month. You've got a historically valid premise here! But she can't wreak revenge on the whole Union army. Have her settle on something or someone more specific. We have her shouted curse. Then we need action, not rumination and fortunately, you provide some in the next paragraph.

After a moment’s hesitation, she lifted the shears to her head, grabbing a chunk of her long, brown hair in her free hand. Savagely, she clipped away the curls, throwing them on the floor. She reached around and held the shears high, snipping away the remainder of the silky locks. Her beautiful curls, tossed away and soon to be forgotten, like the lives of those she loved.

* You did much better than me in the -ly word department, but you're addicted to adjectives. Yes, her hair may be long, brown, silky and beautiful, but she's not thinking about it like that now. It's just something to get rid of lest it keep her from her goal. Write like your character thinks.

The sound of footsteps pounding on the stairs startled her. She heard a gasp and swung to face the door.

“Good Lord Miss Brianna! What have you done to yo hair chile?”

* If you're doing an accent, editors want it accomplished using syntax (word order) not unusual spellings. Is this speaker a slave? One of the reasons the market shies away from Civil War romances is that this was such a painful time in our nation's history. My friend Eboni Snoe, the African-American author who got me started writing, says there is nothing romantic about that part of history from her perspective. Can't say I blame her.
When I chose this time period, I interviewed and researched several African-American people from the south. The pain and suffering of their ancestors truly is heartbreaking. I do not condone or glamorize any human beings suffering. This was truly a humbling experience for me during my research.
_____________________________________________


A very emotional premise, vivid imagery and your character's motivation is very strong. Thanks for letting me critique your work, Jane. I'm mindful of the honor. When someone trusts you with their writing, they are trusting you with their heart. But we're also doing this public scrubbing for the edification of all my readers, so if you don't mind, I'll pull out the loofa and go to work on a few things.

First of all, I'm seeing a pattern here. The opening of my excerpt two weeks ago had a lone character. Last week, Saranna DeWylde's hero was dialoguing internally. And now your heroine is all by herself, talking to the mirror. We all need to give our H/h someone to talk to. Bring in the speaker at the end of the excerpt much sooner. Dialogue will make the scene read faster and you avoid the sense of an info dump.

Did your heroine consider suicide for a moment in this scene? If so, be careful. Your readers want to walk a mile in your heroine's shoes. Make sure they don't pinch so much at first, readers will yank them off and hurl them across the room. Later in a story, when we're invested in the character, we'll be willing to entertain darker thoughts. In the beginning you need your readers on your heroine's side.

You've done a terrific job motivating your heroine's extreme actions. I'd like to see her goals be a little better focused. Is there a Yankee unit or better yet, a Yankee officer whom she blames above all others? Make the goal as personal as her motivation. You're setting up the conflict here and the bones of your story are strong. It'll be interesting to see how you flesh it out. Make the conflict mean something down the road by making it personal.

Thanks so much for sharing with us, Jane! Please let us know when you sell.

I would like to thank Emily for the opportunity to experience a detailed critique. It is important that aspiring writers understand these are learning tools and should be used as such. You can take what you feel is valuable and leave the rest on the table. Finding a good critique group or partner will help you see these types of simple mistakes. Thanks again Emily! Now I can focus on my edits!

Author Bio: Jane Lange is an aspiring author focusing on writing historicals that are set in America. When she's not writing, she enjoys reading, collecting antiques or traveling with her real life hero, her husband Bryan.

And as a saavy pre-published writer, she's got a terrific website up already. Please visit http://www.janelange.com/ for more info!

And now it's YOUR turn. Did I get something wrong? Do you have any suggestions for Jane?

Red-Penciling Myself

Today, I'm going to critique the opening of the first manuscript I ever wrote. The working title was VOICE ON THE WIND. (Believe me, that voice was a cry for help!) I haven't looked at this in years, so it's practically new to me. This is the sort of critique I give and expect to receive from my critique partner. My comments are in red.

Chapter One
1866 (If I'm going to give the date, I should add the place: Savanah)


The bay gelding’s feet were wrapped with cloth to muffle the tattoo of his hooves on the cobbled streets. (Not a bad opener, but not great either. At least there's a hint of a question. Why is the rider trying not to be heard?) Every creak of leather and harness seemed unnaturally loud to the lone rider. His gray-green eyes, icy and forbidding as the Irish Sea, scanned the occasional passerby in the steamy night, searching for familiar faces. (I think I'm in this guy's POV, but it's such a distant view, I'm not sure. How about if I said 'He winced at every creak of leather and harness.'? It's much more immediate and I get a better sense of him. Wouldn't hurt to slip in his name. I need to cut the next part. No guy thinks about his own eyes as 'icy and forbidding as the Irish Sea'. The word 'scanned' leaps out at me as too contemporary. Sure enough, it wasn't used like this till 1926.) If they caught him there, they would kill him. (OK that's a good hook.)



Down by the river, the folks in shantytown had pulled their beds outside, hoping for a stray breeze on the hottest May night in recent memory. (Could I be more wordy? I should cut everything after 'breeze') To avoid them, he reined his horse down a rutted alley. Silently, he lifted a shirt and pair of trousers from a sagging clothesline, changed into them and stuffed his uniform into his saddlebag. (Wait a minute! He stole someone's clothes. Is this the hero or the villain? And what's his name anyway?) Even now, more than a year after Lee surrendered to Grant, it wouldn’t do to be caught alone in Savannah in a Union uniform. (With this sentence, I don't need to give the date and place at the beginning. It irritates readers when writers are redundant and say the same thing twice! ;-))


Especially since he spoke with a southern accent. (Ok this is an intriguing tidbit. He's a Southerner who fought for the Union. That makes for a conflicted character. I'd keep reading.)



Up on the hill, where the fine homes and the fine people were, he slowed the bay to a walk before moving into the eerie gaslight. (Usually, I redflag repeated words, but using 'fine' twice here is deliberate for emphasis.) Ponderous live oaks, heavily bearded with Spanish moss, concealed him in shadow as he stole into a small graveyard. He tethered his mount to the wrought iron fence near the mass grave for last year’s scarlet fever victims. (Evocative. I can see the scene, but I can't hear, smell or feel it. Use all the senses. If he hasn't been there, how does he know about last year's scarlet fever outbreak?)



“Be still now, Davy.” He gave the gelding a reassuring pat on the neck. (What? I know the horse's name, but I still don't know who this guy I'm following around is?) “I’ll be right back.” From there, he’d be safer on foot.


He moved with the stealthy grace of a panther, every tensed muscle under complete control. The borrowed trousers weren’t quite long enough for his legs and he could barely button the shirt across his broad chest. His hair was such a dark brown it was nearly black. His Celtic ancestors had bequeathed him fair skin and the contrast with his hair was striking. A raw-boned wildness in his features and turbulent pale eyes made his a face that sent many feminine hearts into palpitation. He would have been considered handsome save for the scar that ran from the tip of his right eyebrow nearly down to his square jaw. Even though the scar left him with a rakish and slightly arrogant expression, some women thought that only added to his attractiveness. Men recognized him as a dangerous man, one not afraid of a fight. (Where do I begin? First of all, if I'm in his POV, I can't have him give this self description. And if he did, he wouldn't use these words. They aren't "guy-speak." The whole thing has to go. Parts of it can be salted in later in small increments, preferably from an interested female's POV. No 'stealthy grace of a panther' though unless she regularly works with wild animals.)


But he wasn’t looking for a fight just then. He was just looking to see her. (Finally, we know what he's up to. Sort of. The whole scene is a little nebulous.)


The young man traced a route from his childhood through several expansive yards, past splattering fountains, and a rose garden perfuming the night with early buds. (Yay! Something to hear and smell!) A geriatric bloodhound roused himself from a carriage house doorway and nearly raised a tired alarm. (Oh, no. Geriatric wasn't a word until 1909! And if he nearly raised the alarm how do we know it would have been tired?)


“Hush, Boomer.” He massaged behind the dog’s long limp ear. “It’s only me.” (I've got to be kidding me. Now I've told the horse's name AND the dog's name, but not the guy's name. Sheesh!)


Boomer whined in pleasure and thumped his tail against the intruder’s legs. Boomer’s master would have been less welcoming if he’d known who was softly trekking across his property. The young soldier took a moment to survey the dark outline of the elegant house he grew up in. (Point of grammar. Don't end a sentence with a preposition.) The house where he was no longer welcome. (Ok, I'm liking this guy. I always pull for the outcast underdog, but what the heck is his name?)


Nimbly, he scaled the rock wall and dropped into the neighboring lawn. Here the fountain was plugged with old leaves and sludge. The Georgian-style home, grand enough in its prime, now whimpered for a fresh coat of paint. A graying shutter on the upper story swayed drunkenly on one hinge. No lamps were burning, but he could see in the moonlight that her window had been left open. (A tad overwritten. I'm personifying the house too much. Be careful about -ly words. I highlighted them in orange through out. I try to limit myself to 2 to a page. I've got 2 to a paragraph here. Think long and hard over whether adverbs are necessary. No guy would think of a home as Georgian-style unless he's not the sort to be interested in a woman's open window. But the open window suggests we're getting closer to the guy's goal.)


He sprinted across the yard and climbed the ancient cottonwood that overhung the narrow veranda girdling the upper story. Cat-footed, he dropped onto the veranda and froze, listening for sounds of arousal in the house. (Bet I mean 'rousal', not 'arousal' at this point.) Not a breeze stirred the muggy night, the air as thick as warm honey. Sweat trickled in rivulets down the ridge of his spine. Only the crickets’ song, and the low rhythmic march that he recognized as his own heartbeat, resounded in his ears. (Now I'm in a good tight POV. My heart is in sinc with his, but I still don't know the guy's name!)

The beckoning window stood open. (We know that already.) His body momentarily blocked the moonlight that fingered its way over the sleeping form under the gauzy mosquito netting. The sleeper was a young woman; a fitful sleeper to judge from the way her sheets lay bunched by her feet. (Oops! I've told then shown. If the sheets are bunched by her feet I'm insulting my readers by telling them she's a fitful sleeper. They can already see that.) Her coppery hair, in near-torrential waves, spilled over her pillow and curled in damp tendrils at her temples. The humid night air caused her thin shift to mold itself to the peaks and valleys of her form. (Near torrential waves of hair is serious overkill. Tone it down, girl. And I can tighten up the next sentence to 'Her thin shift molded to the peaks and valleys of her form.' Cuts 7 words. Less really is more. And he knows her name. If he told us the horse's name and the dog's name, he can think the girl's name, for Pete's sake!)

He paused for a moment to study her face, to measure her against his memory. The sleeper’s pert upturned nose was liberally sprinkled with freckles, which he knew she (And at this point, my two pages are mercifully up. The problem with this opening is that my hero, if that's who he is, has no one to interact with. It's almost empty of dialogue. I've started the story too early. Nothing has really happened. I'm sort of clearing my throat for a couple pages waiting for the action to start, which won't be until he slips into that bedroom window. Which I'm sorry to tell you is still another half page away! Everything up to this point needs to be axed.)


Ok, I'm relieved that's over. But if you're a writer, this post was designed to give you hope. This is how I wrote in 2001, before I attended any RWA meetings, critique groups or even read any "how to" books. This was just me trying to capture something and set it on paper. I had no idea about the elements of storytelling, little sense of POV and no sense of reader expectations. I share this with you because wherever you are along your writer's journey, you need to understand all those things are skills that can be learned. Writing is an art and a craft. Mostly a craft.

Become a student of the writing craft and take a healthy dose of critique regularly. You'll be amazed at the change in your writing over time. Have you ever received a critique suggestion that changed the way you approached telling your story?