Red Pencil Thursday with Abigail Lama-Gaffney

One of the great things about RWA Nationals is the chance to learn from other writers. The workshops cover craft, career, publishing, research, and the writer's life. Here on Red Pencil Thursday, I offer a modest craft workshop each week and hope it helps you improve your writing or enhances your pleasure in reading as you begin to recognize some of the techniques writers use.

This week, please welcome our volunteer/victim, Abigail Lama-Gaffney. My comments on her work are in red. Her responses are in purple.
___________________________________________________________

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM
I'm not wild about this title. You want the title to be your first hook and this doesn't surprise/entice/delight me. Do dreams figure prominently in this story?

They invaded his mind last week. An annoying tingle between his brows had been the only clue his life was about to change.
Whoa! Good first line. You've teased me with a tantalyzing bit of info, but I'm afraid it's not quite enough. I don't know who they are or who he is. I need more so I'll have a reason to care.
‘They’ are her emotions. I tried to make that clear about a page from now, but I should insert something about it here, instead of later.
I would never have gotten that from what you've given us here. The Prime Directive of writing is: First, be clear.

Xander Stone pressed his fingers to the spot, massaging the area before he stepped out of the car into the muggy air. With no stars or moonlight, the sky hung low and black.

He searched the featureless void, sensing her movement toward him.
He's looking for someone in the sky?
Ha ha. No, he’s not looking at the sky. I’ll make that more clear.

On either side of the road, the rustling corn leaves mingled with insect songs filling the night with a low hum of noise.
Excellent sensory detail. As an Iowa girl, I so remember that sound. However, I'd call them corn stalks instead of leaves and end the sentence with low hum. Of noise is unnecessary. Less is more.
Less is More :-).
Guess I'd better amend that to Less is More if the less is clear.

He turned his head straining to hear. The rhythmic pounding of her shoes on the pavement, interspersed with the steady inhale and exhale of her breath, resonated through the night. She traveled closer and closer, until she stopped.

How about straining to listen since presumably he has no hearing problem. You've done such a good job using sound to show us where she is, I was a little disapointed with she stopped. How about if the slap of leather on the asphalt stopped?

Wow! I hadn’t thought about that, but it makes good sense.

He blinked to focus in the blackness, but only her vague outline materialized.
Materialized makes it sound like she's traveling between dimensions. It's wonderful to have a story that bends the edges of reality, but if you're doing that, you need to give us enough detail to be sure. You want your readers to wonder what's going to happen not wonder what's happening right now.
She’s not traveling between dimensions. It’s just really dark and he can barely see her. I’ll work on changing that word.

The annoying pins and needles between his brows intensified. Across his forehead the muscles knotted in spasms of pain.

Her confusion and fear burst into his awareness.

In the same inexplicable way he knew his hand was still attached to his body after he closed his eyes… He couldn’t explain how her feelings invaded his brain.

Sometimes, it's important to break up long paragraphs. I feel like these sentences all need to be combined into one instead of three because they're all about the same thing.
Good point. I didn’t notice that until you pointed it out.

"It's okay," he called to her.
None of this seems ok to me. What is he trying to say? It's ok is too vague to advance the story.
He’s not exactly thinking clearly here. A few pages after this section, he reflects on that and how stupid he sounded. Maybe I should include that piece now? Or just axe it all together?
Yes, include his self-recriminations now. Absolutely axe any scene where a character is reflecting on what's past. A story grinds to a halt when you set up a scene advancing the action-scene ruminating on what's just happened structure. It's death.

No response.

For Christ’s sake, it was the middle of the friggin’ night. If he drove all this way for nothing…

"Say something, damn it." The moment the words left his mouth pain stabbed him like a knife between the eyes. Her fear blazed into his mind.

“God damn it,” he muttered under his breath, pressing his palm to his head.

There's a lot of profanity in a small space here. The function of impolite words in literature is for emphasis or shock value. By using so much so soon, you're diluting its effectiveness. I'd limit it to one here.
The funny thing is, I didn’t even realize how many ‘impolite’ words there were until I saw it in this format. I will definitely change that.

The initial agony faded to a red hot ache. His body and attention turned to the field. Despite her hiding among the corn, he sensed her exact location. He followed her movements as she tried to glide past him.

Despite her hiding is a bit awkward. How about Even though she was hidden . . .? What are you trying to convey with He followed her movements? Is he shadowing her? Moving with her? Or just watching her?
He’s just figuring out he has the ability to sense her location, no matter where she is. That’s how he knew she was on this road and knew where she was in the cornfield. I need to make that much more clear.


He softened his voice to sound reassuring. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

She stopped.

He perceived the indecision in her mind.
This sentence should join the previous one in the same paragraph. If you separate out every single sentence you aren't giving the important ones emphasis.
Oops. I’ll definitely change that.

“I won’t hurt you.”

She sprinted down the corn row, the leaves whispering in her wake.

The farther she got from him, the less scared she felt.

He didn’t bother following her.
The three previous sentences need to be combined into one paragraph instead of separated.
Again—I see what you’re saying.

Tomorrow morning when he met her, he’d pretend none of this happened.
Excellent final hook. Abbie, you have some good bones here, but we need some flesh. There's not enough specific detail for us to know exactly what's happening. How does he know this girl? How did he know to drive into the middle of nowhere to have this encounter? What exactly is going on in this passage? Thanks for letting us take a look at this inventive beginning.

Looking back over it, I realize I edited out why he’s there (which would answer all your questions). Reflecting on why I did that—it seemed like it was a lot of back story and took away from the immediacy of the situation. Those questions you posed above are all answered within the first 15 pages. But it seems that without the reason for him being there—this part is confusing. And I don’t want confused readers. I’ll work on integrating the answers to your questions into the piece.
It's possible to weave in backstory without it seeming like an info dump if you do it in such a way that how he feels about the backstory is paramount. Emotion is the strongest hook a writer can set. Use it.
This has been a really awesome experience. Thanks for the feedback! This is a really wonderful thing you’re doing for us aspiring authors. Thank you.
My pleasure. Thank you for letting us all learn something along with you, Abbie.


Abbie lives in Central Ohio, with the man of her dreams and two ornery doggies. Currently, she is a mental health therapist, but her goal is to be a published author. When she's not working or writing, she enjoys running, except for the times when she hates it.

Ok, now it's your turn. Do you have a suggestion for Abbie? How about an "atta girl?" The strength of this critique group is in the many voices around the cyber-table. If you're here, you have a right to a say.

Literacy for Life Signing

One of my favorite parts of RWA Nationals is the Literacy for Life Signing, which is happening in Orlando today. Over 500 authors and their publishers are donating their profits to a group called ProLiteracy, an international organization dedicated to spreading literacy among adults.

Did you know that there are 18 million adults in America who can't read a newspaper or fill out a job application? And of all the people worldwide who are illiterate, 2/3 of them are women.

For as long as I can remember, books have been my friends. I can't imagine living by my own thoughts alone. That's why I feel so passionately that this is an organization worth supporting, even though I'm not at Nationals this year.

So, for the rest of the week, I'm having a 'literacy signing' of my own. The Book Oasis in Stoneham, MA keeps all my titles in stock. They will ship anywhere. If you buy one of my autographed books from them between now and Sunday August 1st, I will write a check for the entire purchase price and send it to RWA National to be included in their donation to ProLiteracy. (Ok, now's a good time to mention that my DH insisted I cap the amount at $500, but it'll still take a lot of book sales to get to that amount.) If you have a romance reader on your Christmas list, now's a good time to snag that stocking stuffer.

You can shop online at The Book Oasis or give the good folks there a call at 781.438.0077.

I hope you'll help me make that check I write a big one.

PS. I also hope you'll use the handy little gizmo at the end of this post to email this message to a friend, and post it to your blog, Twitter or Facebook to help me get the word out. Everyday, I'm thankful I can read. I bet you are too. Let's see if we can spread the joy around.

Cyber Conferencing

Newsflash! We have another winner: Christine H! Please drop me an email through my website with your snailmail info. Thanks to all who left a comment on this post.

If RWA hadn't moved its venue from Nashville, I'd be packing my bags today and getting ready to fly out to Nationals. When flooding forced the move to Orlando, I was given a chance to re-evaluate my trip to the convention. The panel I was scheduled to appear on was cancelled. Since I have 6 novels and a novella to deliver by next summer, I didn't really need to pitch another project. My time will be better spent writing and my money better spent hiring a pro to redesign my Mia Marlowe website before the books come out next summer.

I know it's the right business decision for me this year, but I'm going to miss the jazz of Nationals. The buzz of that many creative people who love books in one place is electrifying. I'll miss seeing my writing friends. So I decided I could have a little taste of the convention here by inviting another writer who's also missing Nationals to join me.

Please welcome Elysa Hendricks, one of my fellow Leisure Books authors, who's agreed to be my guest blogger today. She'll be speaking in italics. Take it away, Elysa!
_________________________________________

This last weekend I finally succumbed to the Internet gods demands I join the billions of Facebook drones. Resistance was futile. Now, I'm wondering where this new adventure will lead me. So far, I'm being cautious, only friending people I know. Darn, I can't believe how easily I'm seduced by this new world I've entered. Since when is "friend" a verb? Pretty soon I'll be texting - well, maybe not too soon. My phone is OLD and even if I could figure out how to do it, it costs me a dime for each text. All I want my phone to do is be a phone. Make and receive calls. Phones shouldn't be books, TVs or written message centers. It goes against the laws of nature.

As you can probably tell I'm hardly a techno geek. It seems like only yesterday my hubby dragged kicking and screaming me into the world of Windows. My wounds from all that broken glass have yet to heal and now I'm treading new ground. Actually it feels like I’m barely treading water here.

Fortunately the characters in my books are much more comfortable with the future technologies I’ve dreamed up for them. They travel through space without getting lost or losing data. They’re also much younger, stronger and better looking than me. Guess that’s why I love putting them through so many challenges and difficulties before I let them have a happy ending. If my life is going to be complicated by computers, phones and the like I’m certainly not going to let my characters off scott free. There has to be some reward for breathing life into them.

Emily here again. Part of the fun of Nationals is getting to know other writers. Here's Elysa's Bio:

When the heroine in my first story turned out to be a winged, telepathic alien, I decided I enjoy writing stories set in different places and times. Someday I'd like to compose those stories on a laptop while sitting on a tropical beach with cute cabana boys bringing me drinks. In the meantime I'll keep warm during the cold midwest winters by writing sizzling love scenes.

And here's a blurb about her current release:
STAR RAIDER

Ten years ago, to capture a notorious space smuggler, ASP (anti-smuggling/ piracy) agent, GREYSON DANE betrayed the woman he loved. Now he needs her help to capture a pirate, one whose activities threaten Earth’s safety and future.

After her father’s arrest and her lover’s betrayal, SHYANNE KEDAR fled to the Outer Worlds and slowly found a way to rebuild her shattered world. Now she captains her own small crew of smugglers. When Greyson reappears in her life she’s disturbed by her continued attraction to the man who destroyed her life. His plea for her help in saving Earth from destruction along with his offer of a pardon for her and her crew tempts her to comply, not for herself, but for her son – Greyson’s son.

As they work together to capture a pirate, Shyanne and Greyson must also find a way to recapture the love they once shared.

If you'd like to learn more about Elysa, please visit her website: http://www.elysahendricks.com/

Another great thing about Nationals is all the freebies. I usually come home with a carry-on full to bursting with books. So today, Elysa is giving you a chance to win a free book too. She's giving away a copy of her contemporary fantasy:

THE SWORD AND THE PEN

She’d never been his to control. After penning ten popular sword and sorcery novels, Brandon Alexander Davis was ready to move on. Ready to stop hiding in his fictional world. Ready to start living life. There was just one problem: as he plotted the noble death of Serilda D'Lar, his warrior-woman creation appeared in his study, complete with sword, skimpy leather outfit, badass attitude—and a quest. Was she nothing more than a crazy fan, or had Brandon finally cracked? This woman, so strong yet vulnerable, was both fantasy and reality. She was an invitation to rediscover all he once knew—that life is an incredible, magical journey, and for love, any man can be a hero.

So for a chance to win The Sword and the Pen, be sure to leave a comment or a question for Elysa. I'll kick things off with a discussion topic. Are you an anti-techno person like Elysa? Or could you give her some pointers on how to make the most of her new Facebook account?

Be sure to check back tomorrow to see if you're the winner!

And We Have a Winner . . .

First of all, thank you so much to everyone who offered an opinion or suggestion for my hero's name for my IMPROPER GENTLEMEN novella. I really appreciate your time and thoughts. They all gave me something to think about.

I was leaning toward Aidan going into the weekend, but not sure about it. Then JennJ gave me the history of the saint of that name. And four of you indicated Aidan was your pick. When Alfke suggested the surname Danaher, it seemed to fit for me. A couple of you liked Patrick as well.

So, my hero's name will be Aidan Patrick Stonemere Danaher (Stonemere is his English mother's maiden name and the title he'll inherit from her!)

If I didn't choose your name, I hope you won't be disappointed. I'm a bit of a name collector, so the name you suggested may turn up in a later story or as one of the secondary characters for this one. Each name set my mind churning in fresh directions and helped me flesh out some of the plot points for the story as well. So thank you, thank you, thank you one and all! I appreciate you very much.

I have some other exciting news. Jennifer Ashley, USA Today Bestselling author of Lady Isabella's Scandalous Marriage, has given me a dynamite cover quote for my debut Mia Marlowe title TOUCH OF A THIEF:

"Mia Marlowe proves she has the “touch” for strong heroines, wickedly sexy heroes, and love scenes so hot they singe the pages. Throw in a magical diamond and nail-biting suspense, and readers score a winner with Touch of a Thief!"

~Jennifer Ashley, USA Today Bestselling author of Lady Isabella’s Scandalous Marriage

Jennifer Ashley is a romance powerhouse. She's hit the USA Today Bestsellers list for her historical titles. Her paranormal Pride Mates made the New York Times list. She won a Rita for her straight historical title. Jennifer writes mysteries as Ashley Gardner and erotica as Allyson James. She does it all with style and grace and a writing schedule that makes my 6 books and a novella in a year look like slacking.

Be sure to check out her latest release Lady Isabella's Scandalous Marriage. It's a keeper!

I'm thrilled that Jennifer carved some time from her busy schedule to read Touch of a Thief and even more excited to have such a wonderful cover quote from her. The best way for me to thank her is to urge you all to make her books an auto-buy like I do.

Enjoy!

Help Me Name this Hero

I know it's happened to you. It's 4:45pm on Friday and your boss drops by your office and tells you she needs an extensive report by Monday afternoon.

That's sort of what happened to me yesterday. Alicia Condon, my editor at Kensington, dropped me an email asking if I'd submitted a synopsis for the novella I'm doing for the IMPROPER GENTLEMEN anthology (July 2011). This will be the third Mia Marlowe release scheduled for next summer.

Well, no, I hadn't. I'd run a quick idea for a setting by her, but that was it. I fired back the story ideas that had been percolating on the back burner of my brain while I near the end of my current WIP. (I'm not scheduled to start on the novella till the second week in August--yeah, I'm that anal. My writing is planned out week by week till next summer.)

Fortunately, Alicia shot back an email saying she loved my ideas and it was exactly the direction I needed to go for this novella. (Did I mention I love my editor?) All she needs now for the cover blurb meeting on Monday is my hero's name.

Which I don't know.

I know he's Irish. The year is 1827. When the story opens, he's a convict on Bermuda, part of the pressed labor gang building the massive Commissioner's House compound on the southwest point of the island. He's no innocent, but he's not guilty of the particular thing he was convicted for. He's whip-smart, a wicked scrapper with fisticuffs, and sexy as the devil. He looks very like Matt Bomer, the actor from White Collar.

But I need a name for him.

I did a search and came up with the 10 most popular male Irish names in the 19th century:

Top ten Irish first names for boys in 1864

1. John
2. Patrick/Pat
3. James
4. Thomas
5. Michael
6. William
7. Martin
8. Peter
9. Timothy
10. Denis/Dennis

Also like Aidan, Brendan, and Ryan.

I have to come up with a surname, but that'll be easier once I know the first part.

So, what do you think? Which name do you prefer? Do you have another suggestion? If I end up using a totally new full name suggested here, I'll definitely give the person responsible credit on the acknowledgements page. So please put on your thinking caps, but time is of the essence. I need to send it to my editor first thing Monday.

Thanks so much!

Oh, say! Did you notice the cool little gizmo at the end of the post? It allows you to share this post with your friends via email, facebook, blogger, a whole slew of social media outlets. Please take a minute and point someone else this way too. Thanks! I need all the help I can get!

You've Got to be Carefully Taught

This week the news cycle has been dominated by stories about race relations in our country. Accusations of racism fly from both sides of the political aisle and the quickest way to end substantive debate on any issue is to inject race. It makes me sad that we're still dealing with this. I wonder how to break the cycle.

In 1949 Rogers and Hammerstein brought South Pacific to the Broadway stage. It's a wonderful musical with memorable characters and terrific music.

It's also about racism.

Even though I'll bet lots of you can hum "Some Enchanted Evening," there's one song that almost scuttled the production, but the lyricist and composer wouldn't mount the show without it. It's called "You've Got to be Carefully Taught." Here are the lyrics:

You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught!

When my kids were little, my DH and I worked with the youth group at our church. It was a racially diverse bunch and because we were so involved with the teens, our girls got to know and love them all.

One day my oldest daughter, who was about 6 at the time, said, "Mom, Andre is different from us."

We'd never talked to our children about race. "Oh?" I said cautiously.

"Yeah, he's got really curly hair."

She hadn't noticed this fine young man's chocolate skin. Since everyone in our house has hair that hangs straight as a horse's tail, she'd been fascinated by Andre's curly hair. And probably more than a little jealous!

I think about that moment whenever I hear about racism allegations. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we saw each other only as members of the race we all share--the human race?

And taught our children to do the same.

PS. On a much lighter note, I'm blogging at The Chatelaines today about summer fun and ideas for making a memory with your fam.

Red Pencil Thursday with Kimberly Meyer

It's Thursday and my red pencil is all sharpened up. Our guest/volunteer/victim today is Kimberly Meyer, YA paranormal author. I just love getting to read snippets of so many different kinds of romance and after checking out Kimberly's offering, I'll warn you that you're in for a treat. She's a terrible tease.

And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

My comments are in red, Kimberly's responses in purple. I hope you'll add your suggestions and encouragements at the end of this post.
___________________________________________


“It wasn’t like I meant to kill him,” I protested to the Superiors sitting side by side before me. “He just… flung himself at my knife.”
Boy, if homocide detectives had a nickel for every time they heard that one. Actually, I like this opening. I can almost hear her whine "I get blamed for everything I do."
Thanks! I’m very proud of that line!

I could explain the situation until I was blue in the face and it wouldn’t matter. There was a dead body, and I was responsible.
You've set a tone here. Our heroine is an uber-snark who can't even take death seriously. Yes, I know she takes responsibility, but after the first paragraph, you get the feeling there's more here than you're telling us (which is good). We don't want a heroine who's a sociopath, so there must be something we don't know about the dead body and how it got dead. Good tease.
Thanks.

A steady hum from the ventilation system of the underground building and the rustle of my clothes as I shifted my weight were the only sounds in the room as I awaited my punishment. It was the second time in less than a month a Seeker had basically committed suicide by my hands.
Nice sensory details. You've set a dark industrial type environment for us with great economy of words. Also I want everyone to notice that our heroine is nervous, even though Kimberly resists telling us so (love the ways she shifts her weight, very subtle yet effective). I'm relieved you've let us off the hook a little by telling us the heroine is not homocidal. She just happened to be present and presumably doing her job when the deaths occurred. And yet, Kimberly's left the details dangling. Another good tease.

I didn’t know what the big deal was anyway. They weren’t human.
This seems a little callous from a character I was starting to like. I don't like to see any life form suffer. My compassion isn't limited to homo sapiens. Are the Seekers evil? If so, Seeker is kind of an enlightened sounding name for them. Can you give us a clue why she dislikes them so? Did they harm someone she loved?
They are evil, and they are responsible for the death of her mother and the loss of her leg. I didn’t feel this was the right place for me to go into those details. In my last edit, I changed the last line of that paragraph to read “They weren’t human, no matter how much they resembled us.” But it still sounds pretty harsh. I think I’ll just eliminate this line.

“We will discuss the matter in private chambers,” the Lead Superior stated. As one, all seven Superiors stood. Their faces told me nothing as they silently filed out of their seats and through the heavy metal door.
Ok, I let you have 'protested' in the first line, but I'm going to call you on 'stated.' Honestly, cross my heart, I promise you that editors really, really, really prefer to have just 'said' for a dialogue tag.
I’m laughing, because I just said the same thing yesterday at my critique group meeting. The reason I used stated was because I wanted to show how rigid and proper the ancient Superiors were. But I’m sure the scroll line below works just as well, so I’ll change it.

I took a seat and clasped my hands in my lap in an attempt to keep them from shaking. No matter how indifferent I pretended to be, the truth was I was scared. I could be kicked out of the program because of those stupid, soulless beings.
Take a look at the first sentence. You showed us she's scared. Now check the second sentence. You told us she's scared. Pick one. Readers will accept showing or telling, but not both.
I’d rather show, not tell, of course. How about this – I took a seat and clasped my hands in my lap in an attempt to keep them from shaking. I could be kicked out of the program because of those stupid, soulless human look-alikes. Then I would never get my revenge for my mother’s death.
This way, I cover your question from two paragraphs above and still give a vague description of the Seekers without making my character sound so cold.

A fake cough and then a grunt, and yet another fake cough sounded behind me. I turned to the source, my partner and best friend, and gave him a look of utter exasperation.
I thought she was alone up once the Superiors left. If she has an audience for this quasi-trial, I think we need a hint at it up front.
Good point! Of course he was there, in my mind at least, all along. I will make mention of Jesse sooner. Maybe she’ll cringe or jump when Jesse’s shoe squeaks on the floor as the Superiors are filing out of their seats.

Jesse mouthed two words to me – tell them – and I shook my head – one quick movement no one else would really see. That’d be a negative. Telling them my suspicions would give them even further reason to kick me out – for insanity. His lips moved again – the truth. I turned around, clearly telling him to piss off. I did it just in time, too, because the door to the Superior’s chamber opened.
There are too many dashes in this paragraph. Makes it hard to read. How about this:

Jesse mouthed two words to me. Tell them.

I shook my head, one quick movement no one else would really see. That’d be a negative. Telling them my suspicions would give them even further reason to kick me out. For insanity.

His lips moved again. The truth.

I turned around, clearly telling him to piss off. I did it just in time, too, because the door to the Superior’s chamber opened.

Instead of italicizing Jesse's words in the manuscript, you should underline them to indicate to the typesetter that the text needs to be set in italics. Many publishing houses use underlines for italics because it's hard to see italics in Courier New 12 pt. Notice I broke up the passage into several shorter paragraphs. I think it makes it easier to follow the flow between the two of them.
Thanks for the help. I’ve been struggling with this paragraph but didn’t know how to fix it, so I just skipped over it. I will change all of my italicized words to underlined.

Once they were arranged in their seats, the head of the Superiors stood again and opened a scroll.

Seriously? A scroll? These people needed to get with the times.
Yay, the snark is back.
She’s an angry teen. It comes natural.

I stood rigid as the gray haired man spoke directly to me.

Never, in a million years, would I have guessed their decision. It didn’t make sense. Not a lick of sense. But it was definitely the cruelest thing they could have done.
Oh, you little hooker, you. I hate it but I love it. An author has to be a little bit cruel in order to string her reader along. By not telling us her sentence, you've set some deep hooks to keep us reading.
Never thought I would be proud to be called a hooker, but I am flattered. Thank you.
My DH never thought he'd be proud to say he married one!

The room cleared and there I stood like a statue, completely in shock. A click in the duct work matched the beat of the throb in my amputated leg.
You've given us a wounded warrior. I like it. Your heroine is instantly more likeable. We're solidly in her corner now against the big meanies who are doing . . . whatever it is they've done to her. We don't know because you're such a big tease, but we're dying to find out.
Thanks.

Jesse’s arm wrapped around my shoulder. Slowly I turned to him. This changed everything for him, too.

“I’m going with you.”
He stands by his partner. We like him. A lot.

“No,” I told him firmly. “Absolutely not.”

“I’ll never leave your side.”

I would do the same in this situation, if the roles were reversed, but I had to let Jesse go.

Without a goodbye, or thanks for being the best partner and friend a person could ever have, I shoved past him to the rickety elevator that led to a tiny, century old building in a forgotten part of town and headed to the only place I had ever known as home. Soon, it would be a place I would never see again.

Yet another good hook. Kimberly, this is the best example of embedded hooks we've ever had in an excerpt on Red Pencil Thursday. Keep this up and they'll start saying things about your writing. Things like "page-turner."
Thank you so much for this opportunity, Emily. I’ve been following your blog since I met you this spring at RT during the pre-con workshop where you inspired me to be a hooker. RPT has been a great help to me and I’ve recommended it to every author I know.
Thanks for recommending my blog to your friends, Kimberly. I appreciate that very much. Wear your Hooker Badge with pride! You've earned it.

Kimberly Meyer's bio: When she's not writing, Kim can be found playing with tractors on the family farm. She lives in northwest Ohio with her husband, her two children, and her monstrous Saint Bernard.
My website: kimberlymeyeronline.com


Now it's your turn. Please leave your comments or suggestions for Kimberly. This is also a good place for me to let you all know that Kim was the last volunteer in my queue. If you'd like to be a RPT victim/volunteer, please contact me through my website for the details.