Things that Rarely End Well~ Survey says... Cat Baths

After I got home from the hospital last week, I had tons of get well emails to cheer me. (Thank you one and all!) One of my sisters sent me these goofy pictures to brighten my spirits. Now before I get any hatemail, let me reiterate that I have been a cat lover all my life and though I don't have one as a pet now, there have been several beloved felines in my past.

The real fun in pics like this is coming up with good captions. See if you can top these (Some are mine. Some came with the pictures.)

"But, I thought you liked me!"

"By Grabthar's Hammer, I shall be avenged!"

"Holy Catnip! That's cold!"

"No, you are NOT my friend."

"Guess who's going to forget where the litter box is for the next week?"

"Release the cat or I'll unleash the Hounds of Hell on you and all your descendants from this time forth."

"Sleep with one eye open if you know what's good for you."

"Traction, I need traction. Where is that dang bathmat anyway?"

"The Geneva Convention is going to hear about this!"

"I don't believe a word you say. The water is NOT fine."

Bear in mind, a sister who supposedly loves me and knows I have stitches sent me these.

Now it's your turn. Can you come up with a different caption for any of these kitties? Or do you have a funny cat story to share?

Anything can be Funny

Last week in DC, I gave my NEUROTICA Workshop (No, it's not about writing some hot new brand of erotica! It's not a sex talk. It's a funny talk. Better luck next time!) I firmly believe we can choose to laugh at anything, so I always end that workshop with my colon cancer spiel.

Last year, just before Christmas, most of you know I was diagnosed with colon cancer. My oncologist gave me this little blue awareness ribbon. I was so relieved I was when I saw it was blue. I mean... just imagine what color it might have been...

Anyway, the cancer came as a total surprise to me. I had no symptoms, no family history. But I had an eager beaver physician who convinced me that I deserved a colonoscopy. Far be it from me to turn down something I deserve!

Long story short, I was hustled into surgery where I met this extremely handsome surgeon. No lie, I'd love to have him on the cover of my next book. A couple of my friends asked if I minded that my surgeon was so cute. Not a bit. If I take my clothes off and lay down for a guy, he better be cute.

Anyway, the surgery was successful and because I had that screening colonoscopy, we caught the cancer early enough that it hadn't spread. No chemo, no radiation, thank you, God! If it doesn't return in 5 years, I'll be declared “cured.”

So now everytime I speak, I preach the value of a screening colonoscopy. This cancer is very survival if found early, so fear shouldn't keep anyone away. Embarrassment might, so I want you to think about this.

First they give you really good drugs, so you don't remember a thing.

And lastly, however unpleasant a screening is, it helps to remember there's a doctor on the other end saying to himself, “This is what I wanted to do when I grew up?”

I'm off to my oncologist this morning for a quarterly checkup. I feel terrific, so I'm expecting a green light. Thanks again for all the prayers and well wishes you've sent my way!


'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!'~ Anonymous

Now That's Funny!

Put your coffee down. Push your computer screen back to a safe distance. This is a seriously funny repost from my friend Bonnie Vanak. Most of the time she's writing steamy historicals for Leisure Books or hot Nocturnes, but the other day, she decided to noodle away in jest and came up with one of the worst story premises I've ever seen.

So without further ado, I give you:

The Billionaire Werewolf's Virgin Vampire

"Hairy Pause brooded as he stepped out of his black stretch limo and gazed wearily at the glittering parade of black-tie attendees at the Annual Wealthy Werecreatures Only Gala. Suddenly, she caught his eye (and flung it back at him). It was HER. Vanessa Vixen, the beautiful, sensual virgin widow vampire. Weres had coveted her, but none had claimed her. Yet. Hairy was determined to be her first...

Vanessa Vixen sighed with trepidation as she swept into the ballroom of the Wolfdorf Asstoryia. Vampires, werewolves, demons (and one gnome that had struck it rich by advising his wereclients to sell their GM stock three years ago) drifted past with an air of bored lassitude. She tossed back her floor-length silky red curls. If caught, she’d be humiliated. But she had no choice. The ball was the only place where she could get her hands on Hairy Pause.

Her elderly Egyptian mother was confined to Ye Ole Old REALLY OLD People’s Home and dying from a computer virus. Mama Vixen desperately needed a transfusion of the Magic Windows 404 Vista Fixer. Billionaire, handsome Hairy held the only known copy. Vanessa had to get a copy to save her ailing, wailing mummy. It was the 5th ball she’d attended that week in hopes of catching the mysterious, elusive werewolf with the well-chiseled chin.

She’d do anything. Even seduce Hairy, if she could grab him at the balls."

Ok, once you've wiped away your tears of mirth, check out Bonnie's serious writing at http://www.bonnievanak.com/. Trust me, she's worth a click!

Neurotica-The Art & Science of Funny

I'm preparing to give my humor workshop for RWA Nationals in DC this July. To do that, I have to study with deadly seriousness just what makes something funny. It's harder than it seems.

There is a whole science to laughter. Researchers have discovered that laughter is not a learned behavior. It's innate. Laughter is universal. It's the first tenuous social glue that binds us to others.

We all do it. But we don't all laugh at the same things. So what makes something funny? And how can a writer incorporate that into her story?

There are tons of different types of humor--from sight gags and slapstick to puns and malapropisms. But at the heart of every joke, there's a reversal. You're set up to get X and you unexpectedly get Y. Here's an example from the opening of my DISTRACTING THE DUCHESS:

“I’m going to have to shorten his willie.”

The artist stepped back from her easel and regarded the offending member with a critical eye.

I've set the reader up to think, "OMGosh! A Victorian Elaina Bobbitt!" Then I deliver the switch. She's a painter concerned only with symmetry and perspective.

I use a different sort of "bait and switch" in my upcoming MY LADY BELOW STAIRS novella in A CHRISTMAS BALL. Lady Darvish, a notorious "black widow," is calling on Viscount Eddleton, who's about to be betrothed to Lady Sybil Sommerville.


“Oh, that will never do! ‘Madam’ sounds so old.” Lady Darvish laughed gaily as she removed her hat, signaling that the visit would be an extended one. “You must call me Leticia for I predict we will be great friends. May I call you Bertram?”

Eddleton’s mouth opened and closed wordlessly several times before he managed to sputter, “But my name is George.”

We go on to learn that Leticia has had 4 husbands, all of whom she called Bert because it kept things "uncomplicated."

One of the things I abhor in workshops is when the speaker uses only their own work as examples. So, I need your help. Please send me some short examples of something funny you've read in a romance novel that requires miminal set up. And bear in mind, there are differing degrees of humor. Sometimes, writing that gives you merely a knowing smile performs its function better than the writing that causes soda to spew out your nose.

A soda spew will yank a reader out of the story every time!

A Cosmic Joke

Just received the revisions from my editor for my novella MY LADY BELOW STAIRS for the Christmas anthology yesterday. Yeah, I know. Weird to be thinking about Christmas on the first day of spring.

The even weirder part was that there were so few changes. She LOVED the story. My manuscript was peppered with LOL's and happy faces. (It was wonderful to hear--we writers are a notoriously needy bunch!) But the thing that really surprised me was when she told me she laughed hardest during the last 30 pages or so.

Those were the pages I wrote while I was in serious pain recovering from my colon cancer surgery and blogging my head off with my 50day/50blog VEXING THE VISCOUNT tour.

The moral of this story is: Comedy springs from . . . pain? Maybe. (I won't give credit to painkillers. I was down to Advil by then and it didn't begin to touch the deep ache, but I'm already addicted to Cherry Coke Zero and M & M's. The last thing I need is a drug habit.)

At the heart of every joke is a reversal of sorts. You expect "X" and you're slapped in the face with "Y." Maybe the comedy in my story was my way of reversing the physical pain I was experiencing at the time.

Writing is still a mystery to me. Somehow, my subconscious fills the pages with things my conscious mind isn't even aware of till I read it back--usually after a bit of time has elapsed. Pressure turns coal into diamonds. Is it possible that pain yields the best comedic timing?

If so, next time, I'll settle for stubbing my toe before I write!

I'm getting ready to do a workshop at RWA Nationals on adding humor. What's the funniest thing you've read lately?

Wanna meet a Pirate?

When I decided to add a dash of humor to my writing, I found one of the natural places to do that was through my secondary characters. I'd like to introduce you to a fellow in PLEASURING THE PIRATE.

Meet Joseph Meriwether, lately first mate of the pirate vessel, REVENGE. He's a scruffy, squint-eyed mariner with a faded tribal tattoo on one of his sagging cheeks (on his face, I mean!). Meri has a unique outlook on life. Here's a sampling of his take on things.

On progress: "There ain't no more islands left where the girls swim out to the ship wearing nothing but a smile. The whole Spanish Main's gone and got itself civilized."

On children:"Boil the pith out of 'em for an hour or so and they make a right tolerable stew."

On women: "Oh, she's strong-minded and a bit broad of beam. Not that I ever held extra flesh against a woman. But, I've been smelling those pies all morning. She's a goddess in the kitchen, is Mrs. Beadle. A man can overlook quite a bit if there's a cherry pie in the offing."

On watching the heroine, Jacquelyn Wren, attempt to gut his Captain with a smallsword:

"And I was a-feared life as a landsman would be dull!"

Hope you enjoy Joseph Meriwether and all the rest of the crew in PLEASURING THE PIRATE!