Red Pencil Thursday with Paisley Kirkpatrick

Happy Red Pencil Thursday! Please welcome Paisley Kirkpatrick, our cheerful voluteer. She's a pre-published author who's beginning to win some contests. This is an important step. Contest wins show she's on the right track and is a wonderful way to get your foot in the door.

My comments for Paisley are in red. Her responses are in purple. Please feel free to add your ideas in the comment section!


PREY OF THE HUNTRESS
Great title. Sounds like a good strong heroine

CHAPTER ONE

Sierra Mountain Range, California, Fall 1853
This is a good way to ground your readers in the world of your story and lots of writers use this device. However, I'd rather see touches of fall in your text instead of being told the time of year here.
Okay, but as she steps out of the cabin we start seeing and feeling the Fall – leaf colors, crisp breeze, it snows…. I can certainly take this off if it takes away. I thought it staged where and when.
That's great. I'm glad to hear you'll show it later, but readers don't like to be told, then shown. Better just to skip telling and go straight to showing. (Can you tell I'm originally from Missouri?)

Rebecca Ryder gaped at the ramshackle cabin. She must have misunderstood the directions or turned the wrong way somewhere. Grandpa had told her he was doing well with the mine, pulling out enough gold to pay her school tuition in the East and still live comfortably, too. This shack told an entirely different story. He’d given no clue he was struggling, or had he and she’d turned a blind eye?

Well, Paisley, you did the same thing I did with my first manuscript. You introduced your heroine with no one for her to talk to, so we have a long, silent exposition. If she's been going to a fancy Eastern school, is it logical to assume she'd go to an abandoned cabin in a remote location alone? Who's your hero? Might he be dragged out as an unwilling guide on this expedition?

Sanity called her back to town after the long dusty trek into this remote wilderness, but curiosity overrode the urge to immediately head down the mountain. After coming this far, she should at least check out the rest of her tattered legacy.

You're telling instead of showing with the Sanity sentence when we need to really get inside Rebecca's head and feel what she's feeling. Give us some sensory details that put us in the scene. The last sentence in this paragraph smacks a bit of something called 'author intrusion.' You're stepping in and telling your character what she should do.
I had intended this last sentence to be her internal thoughts. Will rework it.

Determined to give grandpa the benefit of doubt, she stepped out of the saddle. A few of the boards dipped as she trod across the narrow porch. Turning the door handle, she let out an impatient sigh as the crude planks protested. She shoved the door just enough with her shoulder to slip inside. The breath caught in her throat. Oh, Grandpa, no! Her spirits plummeted.

Point of equestrianship. She'd step out of the stirrup or dismount the horse, not step out of the saddle.
I knew this wasn’t quite right, but for the life of me I couldn’t come up with something that did. Embarrassed after the years of riding horses… 
We want to like our heroine. Be careful you're not making Rebecca a little unlikeable here. She's impatient and judgemental with a man who has obviously sacrificed for her welfare.
I can fix this – she wasn’t meant to be judgmental, but horrified that her grandfather lived in such a horrid state because he paid her tuition. He supposedly had found a lucrative gold mine and had a lot of money. He’d been writing and telling her this. The reason for the state of the cabin is something she soon discovers is a ploy to cover the fact that he has found a huge gold strike and is hiding the fact from those who would want to steal it.
Ooo! That's good.

Rows of newspapers stood side by side from floor to eye level. Stale, vanilla-scented pipe tobacco permeated the air barely disguising other repugnant odors that she couldn’t identify. She cringed and brushed away lace-like cobwebs that hung from the rafters, sticking in her hair and tickling her face.

Where would a miner get all those newspapers?
Her grandfather owned the local newspaper and the reason why all these newspapers are in the cabin has an important bearing on the story.
Ok, that makes sense, but since newspapers are an unusual item for most miners, you might tuck that little nugget of knowledge in there for us.

I love the vanilla-scented pipe tobacco and wish you hadn't added the unidentified repugnant odors . Here's an opportunity for that familiar smell to trigger an emotional response in your heroine. Scent is tied to memory. I still remember my tough-guy dad tearing up when he smelled cinnamon in the kitchen cupboard of his grandparent's tumbled-down cabin.
My grandfather had a vanilla scented tobacco in his pipe and you are right, vanilla always makes me think of him.
It takes a while for cobwebs to build up to that level. How long has the cabin been empty?
Her grandfather has been dead over two weeks and he was sick before then for a while. However, here in the mountains (I live where this takes place) it doesn’t take long as we share the woods and our house with spiders. I can take webs down daily and never run out of them unfortunately.
Silly me. My citified, condo-dwelling roots are showing!

A few steps along a narrow opening brought her to a wooden platform. She ran her fingers over the sparse mattress and rumpled bedding. Three broken bricks propped up the corner of a woodstove placed in an area she’d hardly consider a kitchen. She fingered a chipped cup sitting on the shelf of a small cupboard.

Sparse mattress? Do you mean thin? I like the tactile elements of this paragraph. Now we're getting sensory details. Yay! Can you add her emotional response to them?
Yes, thin mattress. The cool thing is that at the museum in Coloma we got to see the inside of a cabin that was used during this time of history so I had a visual to rely on.
Cool about the museum. That kind of hand's on research is so much richer than cracking a book or surfing the web.

The lawyer informed her mountain men passing through his property happened to find grandpa dead. They probably were the ones who’d tossed the rotted food remnants in a bucket without care. The stench of decay curdled her stomach, but not half as much as the thought of her grandfather dying up here in the mountains alone.

I didn't know until this point that her grandfather was dead. I expected to see him stagger in or something. I wonder if it would be easier for the reader if we knew this information right up front.
I thought tattered legacy told that this was her inheritance, but certainly can make it clearer. ;-)
Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with things. Let's see if it strikes others the same way before you change it.

The rotten food is certainly a pungent detail, but I wonder if its necessary. It marrs the previous tobacco smell that could have conjured up a bittersweet moment and seems like a distraction from the first visceral reaction from Rebecca.
I was trying to make the cabin repugnant to her because she needs to decide whether to stay and accept the property or give it up. The lawyer doesn’t want her to accept the property because he is trying to secure it for the hero’s family at a good price. He purposely sends her to see it alone because he is dishonest and can taste his fee when he can secure it for the MacGregors. She grew up on a farm in Texas and I didn’t think it was out of the question that she would be independent enough to ride up the road to look at the property.
Ok. Greedy, blood-sucking lawyer is kind of an over-used character. What if the lawyer was honest, but his clients were the bad guys? Just a thought. At this point, I don't know Rebecca grew up on a Texas ranch. I'm thinking cossetted tenderfoot wandering in the wilderness, because all I've been told is that her Grandpa paid for her Eastern school tuition. If you want readers to consider her smart, let us know she has the background for this remote gallivanting. I worry about her otherwise.

A small table scattered with wooden matches and a lantern sat next to his oak rocking chair.

Tears filled her eyes as she touched the carved back of the treasured antique. It was the only piece of furniture he’d taken when her father ran him off their Texas farm five years ago.
She dropped into his rocker and slowly moved her hands back and forth along the smooth-as-silk armrests. As a young child her grandfather had welcomed her on his lap in this very chair. They’d spent hours reading her favorite stories together. If only she could hear his voice one more time. Run to him for comfort. But she couldn’t. After he’d sent the letter to come, she’d rushed to reach Paradise Pines. His heart gave out two weeks before she arrived. She slumped over and sobbed into her hands. Grandpa, why’d you leave me?

Oh, yes, I've sat in a chair with smooth as silk armrests. Ordinarily I'd say smooth as silk is an overused expression, but this is the first time I've seen it applied to wood.

Oops! Young child. Is there any other kind?

I'd care more about Rebecca's tears if there was more of a lead up to them. A quivering chin, a lump in her throat--there are a number of ways you can show how she feels about losing her Grandpa throughout this opening. I really like this idea.
And I like some of the elements you've got going in your story here.

As I mentioned to Paisley when we talked about her comments, I'm not the final arbiter here. Paisley is. This is her story. She's the only one who can decide the best way to tell it. The goal of Red Pencil Thursday is always just to give the volunteer writer something to think about and maybe a few suggestions to make their work better. Thanks for being here today, Paisley.

Thank you for the opportunity, Emily.

Paisley Kirkpatrick is a ten year veteran of RWA along with Sacramento Valley Rose and many online chapters. She is unpublished, working on her fourth story, and starting to win contests. Because she lives where the 49er gold rush occurred, she finds interesting living history to add reality to her stories.

Her website URL is: http://www.myspace.com/paisleykirkpatrick

Now it's your turn. What was I wrong about? Do you see anything you'd like to change? If you're here, you're a member of the critique group, so your voice is important. Just remember Paisley can decide to ignore us all if she likes!

Chapter 6 of A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS!

The sixth chapter of my online novella is on my website now. When I began this little story, my goal was to provide a free read, to give something back to my readers as a thank you. Turns out, my readers have been faithfully giving to me. So many have been participating in the creation of this story. I didn't have a plot determined from the beginning. I wasn't sure where A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS was headed. But readers have been giving me advice about plot points each month, so it's been a fun experiment.

So when you have five minutes, pop over and read the latest installment. Be sure to vote for how you think the story should continue. I really love receiving "write-in" votes. Some of the plot suggestions have been very detailed and extend far beyond the next chapter. I have the most creative readers on the planet!

When you cast your vote, you'll be entered in the drawing for a signed copy of A CHRISTMAS BALL. My novella in this anthology, My Lady Below Stairs, is a finalist for the Reader's Crown Award! Plus, I'm throwing in a whole box of books I picked up at RT--a summer's worth of reading. The drawing will be held on July 6th! Please tell your reading friends about this contest. The novella is at the half-way point so there's plenty of time for more fun and the love of reading is a wonderful thing to share with a friend. (And if your friend wins the box of books you know she'll share right back!)



If you're looking for a finished story, I just have to remind you my latest offering should be in bookstores now! RT BookReviews calls STROKE OF GENIUS "Wickedly enjoyable!"

I'm reading Jacqueline Frank's Jacob now. What's on your TBR list this summer?

Em Recommends

Today is Release Day for some friends of mine. First, let me tell you about my critique partner Ashlyn Chase's new light-hearted paranormal STRANGE NEIGHBORS. I've been treated to this story almost from the get-go and watched it shift through several permutations to its current hysterical state.

In STRANGE NEIGHBORS, a small town girl moves into a Boston brownstone that's been converted to apartments and every one of the residents in this building are not what they seem--starting with the hunky baseball pitcher landlord! If you enjoy shifters and vampires and witches, oh my! you'll love STRANGE NEIGHBORS. Check out Ashlyn's website for more about the story that's been called the paranormal version of "Friends!"


Then there's my friend and fellow Chatelaine Jennifer Ashley's newest release as Allyson James (See. I'm not the only one with more names than she knows what to do with!) Her novella "Mortal Sensations" in WEDDING FAVORS from Berkley Heat is sure to be a sizzling good way to start your summer.

For more see Allyson's website



Next, here's something from my bedside table, Victoria Alexander's DESIRES OF A PERFECT LADY. You may remember I blogged about meeting this exceptionally talented writer at RT a few weeks ago. I took her book with me to Bermuda and LOVED it!

Her fiesty heroine is a recent merry widow. After a hellacious marriage to a vicious controlling man, she's finally free to pursue her own desires. Or is she? The conditions of his will stipulate she's only to receive a miserly stipend unless she completes his "collections" with rare and valuable artifacts he'd been unable to obtain. So she's off to win her total liberation from the man who would enslave her even from the grave. And while she's on her way, she'll be crossing items off her to-do list. Things like: Swim naked in a warm sea and Bed the Earl of Wyldewood--who happens to be the man she should have married in the first place and is bankrollilng her little expedition. The book is great fun and I highly recommend it. Here's the link to Victoria's website, which was recently redesigned!

Last but not least, there's my own STROKE OF GENIUS. Even though its release day was May 25th, technically, it's a June book in publishing parlance. I'm beginning to hear back from readers who've loved this story and my "HOUSE-like" hero. Damaged men have always held a special appeal for women. We long to put them back together again. My brilliant hero Crispin won't admit to being damaged, but anyone with eyes can see his rudeness and knuckle-dragging alpha moments are masks for a deep hurt.

If you've read STROKE OF GENIUS, I'd love to hear what you thought of it. And here's the link to my website. Be sure to pop over there today because Chapter 6 of my free online novella A DUKE FOR ALL SEASONS, will be posted somtime before midnight. (I promise!)

Oh! If you want a signed copy of STROKE OF GENIUS, check out The Book Oasis. They are an independent bookseller who stocks autographed copies of all my books and they'll be happy to ship them to YOU!

Playing Dress-Up

This year at RT one of the Aspiring Writers was drafted into the Mr. Romance competition. Meet Andrew Shaffer. He never expected his week in Columbus would include strutting on stage in front of hundreds of screaming women, but he was such a good sport. I invited him to share a bit of his experience with us here. Take it away, Andrew!

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One of the unexpected highlights of my Mr. Romance 2010 competition experience was getting the opportunity to play dress-up.

I normally dress conservatively – my daily outfit includes a faded t-shirt, a pair of ill-fitting blue jeans, and sneakers. If I leave the confines of my home office, I might throw on a Yankees ballcap. I had packed a suit for the RT Book Lovers’ Convention in case I needed to impress an editor during a pitch session, but had otherwise brought all of my clothing in a small, carry-on suitcase. When I arrived in Columbus for Bobbi Smith’s pre-convention writer’s workshop, I had no idea that I would also need a dozen other outfits for the four-day convention later that week.

Although I was attending as an aspiring romance novelist, I was drafted into the Mr. Romance male modeling competition [full story here: OliveReader.com]. As part of our contestant duties, we were required to attend the nightly dinners and dances, each with its own theme; our week was to end with the two-hour onstage Mr. Romance “mangeant,” which would include a minimum of four costume changes.

I called my wife, who was still back in Iowa. She was scheduled to come to Columbus for the last two days of the convention. “I need to ask a favor,” I said. “I’m going to need a couple of dress shirts, some jeans that kind of fit me, a western shirt, a cowboy belt buckle, a cowboy hat, a pair of chaps, and a vampire cape.”

“You need all of that? What is going on?”

“I’m going to be in a male modeling competition. Plus, there are these balls every night that I’ll need to attend,” I said. “And on second thought, we can skip the chaps.” I wasn’t exactly aware of what the going rate for a pair of chaps was, but guessed they might be expensive. While I wanted to be the best cowboy that I could be during the mangeant, I had to balance my vision of authenticity with the vision of my credit card statement.

“I’ve got to let you go,” I told my wife. “The costume shop down the street closes in half an hour, and I still don’t have any wings for the Faery Ball tonight.”

For next year’s RT in Los Angeles, I’m going to check so many bags of luggage filled with costume changes that Lady Gaga’s going to think I’m overdoing it. While I’m not sure yet if I’ll be competing in Mr. Romance 2011, it’s better to be safe than sorry -- the next-to-last pair of out-of-season faery wings that you can buy at a discount costume shop look as cheap as they sound. That’s not a mistake I’m going to make twice.
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Thanks, Andrew. If you'd like to know more about Andrew Shaffer's upcoming non-fiction title Great Philosophers who Failed at Love from Harper Perennial, visit his website.

Website: www.orderofstandrew.com
Facebook: Andrew on Facebook
Twitter: Andrew on Twitter

If you have any questions for Andrew, I think I can convince him to pop by and leave an answer.

Tormented Hearts by Loreen Augeri

As you all know, I like to spotlight other authors on my blog. Today is release day for one of my New England RWA chaptermates. Please welcome Loreen Augeri!

And here's the cover blurb for her Tormented Hearts:

The world of Brett Armstrong, the Earl of Tremont, collapses when his wife and unborn child die. Determined to punish himself for the part he played in their demise, he turns his back on society and retreats to the country. Hard, physical labor during the day and mind-numbing gin at night help to keep at bay the demons that threaten to devour him. Until Catherine Hammond creeps into his world. Not wishing to resurrect his dormant emotions and the resulting pain, Brett struggles against the sensuality she exudes and battles to defeat his rising desire.

Abused by her aristocratic husband, commoner Catherine Hammond flees from his cruelty. Her hope is to hide and create a new life. She vows to never again associate with the upper classes that have heaped unbearable pain upon her family. Escaping without funds, Catherine is forced to work as a servant in the Earl of Tremont's household. His tantalizing, amorous advances ignite a fire within the cold regions of her heart, but she refuses to fall in love with a man who may destroy her.

Emily: Tell us about TORMENTED HEARTS.

Loreen: First, I want to thank Emily for having me on her blog to talk about my book. Tormented Hearts is a Regency-set historical romance about an earl devastated by his wife’s death and the part he played in it and a commoner fleeing from her abusive, aristocratic husband. Both want to be left alone to deal with life as best they can, but circumstances and the earl’s scheming brother constantly throw them together. While battling a fierce thunderstorm, befriending a wild dog, escaping into the forest, and fighting against the passion that consumes them, they heal each other’s tormented heart.

Emily: What will we love about your hero?

Loreen: Brett Armstrong is a man tortured by the demons of his past. When I read about a suffering hero, I feel his pain and want to reach out to him. I long for the heroine to make him whole again. I hope the reader will experience the same feelings. Also, even though Brett pushes Catherine away, he is always kind to her and helps her in any way he can. And of course because he is the hero, he is handsome and has rippling muscles.

Emily: What inspired you to write this story?

Loreen: I had an image of a woman fleeing through the forest. Most of my ideas come from an image I see in my mind and then I expand from there. I give the hero and heroine a goal, a reason why they want to achieve that goal, and then a conflict that prevents them from getting what they desire.

Emily: What’s next for you?

Loreen: I have a story I have almost finished editing, another that I am in the middle of editing, and an idea for a story that I will start as soon as I have completed the other two.

Emily: Sounds like you'll be a busy girl. Thanks for sharing your story with us!

Here are the buy links for Tormented Hearts from Wild Rose Press:
Print version
Ebook

About the Author:
Loreen Augeri lives in Massachusetts with her husband of twenty-nine years and her two daughters. She is a member of RWA and the New England Chapter. When she is not writing or working in the town library, she enjoys reading, walking, and spending time at the beach. You can visit Loreen at http://www.loreenaugeri.com/.





And of course, STROKE OF GENIUS is hot off the presses too. It's available at B&N, Borders and fine bookstores everywhere! Or Online.

Have you taken the STROKE OF GENIUS QUIZ yet? What kind of Genius are YOU?

Next week is going to be a busy one here. On Monday, Andrew Shaffer, the aspiring writer who was drafted into the Mr. Romance Contest at RT, will be my guest blogger! I'll be featuring some more of my writing friends' great releases on June 1st. There'll be another installment of My Husband Married a Hooker and of course, a new victim--er, volunteer for Red Pencil Thursday.

Have a great weekend and be sure to pick up a new beach read! It's almost that time.

PS. Lorreen is offering an ebook of TORMENTED HEARTS to one lucky commenter, so be sure to let us know you were here!

Red Pencil Thursday with Saranna DeWylde

Welcome to another Red Pencil Thursday! We have a returning RPT alumnus, Saranna DeWylde! Last time, Saranna treated us to the opening of her delightful, snarky How to lose An Angel in 10 Days. Today she takes us to a much darker, grittier world.

My comments are in red. Saranna's are in purple. Of course, Saranna is free to accept or ignore anything I say. The point is to get us all thinking about the writing process and how to tell our stories better.


Savior
One word titles are powerful and this one is certainly evocative. The problem is that this might be confused for an inspirational title.

Chapter 1- The Eternal Knight
Great. Don't we all love immortals of any kind?

Screams of terror shattered the sweet haven of darkness and thrust Krestien de Godfrey back to a time when the Maltese cross had been a banner of pride he’d worn on his chest instead of the scarred brand on his back. The cool seduction of the night became hot and unbearable, just like the noonday sun set adrift on fiery oceans of sand.

Wow, Saranna! What a different voice for you. After your How to lose an Angel in 10 Days, I expected snarky humor. This is a huge departure, but it demonstrates your scope as a writer. You're able to adjust your voice to suit the type of story. Kudos.

Thanks! I’ve written four books since September and they were all snarky. I had to have some angst or I was going to go nuts and this story has been gnawing at me for some time.

4 since September! (Bowing in awe) Incredible output and so necessary in this market. Good job!
Now for the pickiness. I'm a little confused about what's happening here. "Thrust back to a time" suggests he's time traveling. "Noonday sun set" is another string of words that stops me. I know you didn't mean it that way, but it made me pause. Unless we're on a different planet, a noon sun set isn't possible.

Remember the Prime Directive of Writing: Be Clear. Show us exactly what's going on and where we are without ambiguity. Later on, I figured out this is an urban fantasy, but in the beginning, we could be anywhere, anytime.

You are so right. I knew there was something awkward there, but I didn’t know what. There’s a lot of that in this first chapter—paragraphs where I feel something is off, but I can’t put my finger on it.

His skin prickled and Krestien burned with the memory of blisters rising on his smooth, tanned flesh. The weight of his phantom armor made his limbs heavy and that screaming rang in his ears—a benediction for the dead.

He was no hero, but a man haunted.

Oh how we love tortured heroes. Phantom armor is inventive. Equating screaming with a benediciton is anther fresh twist. You've laid enough hooks to keep me reading.

Krestien turned down the alley and saw the victim had fought valiantly. The body of one man lay stiff, his once living flesh cooled on the wet street and his blood mixed with oil slicks and standing rain water.

Rigor mortis starts around 3 hours after someone is dead. Has that body been there that long?

Uh, no. And I knew that. *laughs*

Another man was holding his thigh— a steady stream of blood dripped around the ancient blade that was buried in his flesh to the hilt. Krestien could see from the markings on the handle the blade was ceremonial in nature—Mayan to be exact. If the victim’s attacker dared to pull it out, he’d tear the muscle along with the blade.

Mayan? My interest is definitely perked.

Let's do some tightening. How about getting rid of was? Another man held his thigh is more active than using a was and -ing verb. Cut that was. A steady stream of blood dripped around the ancient blade buried in his flesh to the hilt is less cluttered. Drop to in the last sentence. It's not needed--dared pull it out reads fine, but there's a logic problem with the last bit. He'd tear the muscle makes sense, but along with the blade seems to suggest the blade would be torn.

This was another of those paragraphs where I thought it was awkward, but I didn’t know what to fix.

It was a woman who held the victim up against the crumbling wall of the abandoned warehouse. She was dressed in tactical gear, nothing of which could identify her, but it was the tattoo visible in the pale light of the moon that marked her for what she was. A chalice flanked on each side by a griffin was tattooed on her bicep.

Again, let's tighten. A women held the victim is a less cluttered way to begin that sentence. Drop the first of, it was, and that from the 2nd sentence and see how you like it. She was dressed in tactical gear, nothing which could identify her, but the tattoo visible in the pale light of the moon marked her for what she was.

“This doesn’t concern you, Templar,” the woman said without turning around.

Good way to have someone else identify your hero. We had the hint of the Maltese Cross, but this confirms his affiliation.

“Why don’t we let the lady decide, Covenite?” Krestian’s lips twisted into a wry smile. He wouldn’t hesitate to cut her down if she moved against the woman pinned to the wall. Evil didn’t differentiate by what was between her thighs, so neither would he.

Whoa! What lady? We had a man bleeding with the Mayan blade. Where did he go? This lady has popped up out of nowhere.

Will fix! She’s the victim. I guess it looks like the Mayan blade guy is the victim.

I like the term Covenite. I've never run across it before. Is that original with you? It conveys an unholy bent that makes her a good foil for your Templar.

It is. The Templars in this story arc serve the Grail and the Covenites serve the Ark of the Covenant.

The last sentence will scan better if you substitute based on for by what.

“And they say chivalry is dead.” ;-) The woman pushed a glock against her quarry’s forehead.

“What do you say, Samara? Is chivalry dead? Does this concern him?” she sneered.

Samara smiled and kneed the woman between her thighs and ducked. She pushed the glock aside, but the Covenite still got a shot off and the bullet went through Samara’s chest, just above and a breath to the left of her heart.

Ok, the victim isn't so helpless. I think we've discovered our heroine!

I don't often recommend an adverb, but when someone smiles when there's nothing to smile about, I'd like to know more. Did she smile disarmingly? Grimly? Let us know.

Just is one of those words editors love to hate. It's usually unnecessary. Cut whenever possible.

Krestien grabbed the Covenite from behind and slammed her against the wall. The woman fought well without her modern weapon. She used her knees, her elbows, her teeth and her nails. Krestien was immune to her battle charms, her blows like nothing but that of a child. When he had the woman at his mercy, he positioned his hands to snap her neck. It was (change to would be since he hasn't done it yet) quick and merciful, more so (Cut so. Another just type word) than any Covenite deserved.

“Just” and “that” are my Kryptonite.

“Please don’t hurt her,” the dark haired Samara cried before fainting as the (Cut the) blood spurted from between her fingers.

Oh, yeah, she's the heroine. Gotta love that forgiving attitude. Reminiscent of Christ forgiving His tormentors from the cross. Hence your title?

Thanks for letting me take a look at this new WIP. You've got lots of inventive elements and have created a world where conflict already lives. I see great promise here.

Thanks for having me again (I am a glutton for punishment!) and for all of your great advice.

About the Author:

Saranna DeWylde is a full time Amazon Goddess and former corrections officer who decided she’d seen enough shanks and skanks. Originally a horror writer, having written her first story at her 8th birthday party in colored pencil after watching The Exorcist, she further decided her dark quill was meant for Happily Ever After instead of the things that grab your feet if they hang off the end of the bed.

http://sarannadewylde.com/

Now it's your turn! What suggestions or encouragements do you have for Saranna?

My Husband Married a Hooker, Part 3

We've talked about hooking readers with your title. We've covered the importance of hooking with your first line. Today, we're going to talk about the hooks that turn a good read into a page-turner--the hook at the end of the chapter.

Mary Higgins Clark made a fortune writing short spare chapters and ending each one with a hard hook. Her books are called fast reads because no one can put them down. A hook is a tantalizing bit of information that compels the reader to keep going. The best compliment my editor ever gave me was sharing that she always had to stop mid chapter when she was editing my work because if she got to the end of the chapter, she’d have to go on.

Here are a few types of "end of chapter" hooks:

Bridging hook- In this hook, you bridge from one chapter to the next by picking up shortly after you left off. I'm sorry I don't know what book this example is from, but I read it once and thought it was delicious. A couple is fighting at the end of the chapter about whether or not to keep a stray dog. Finally, the guy says, "Ok, he can stay tonight, but he's not sleeping on the foot of our bed."

The next chapter opens with: "The dog snored all night."

It makes me smile every time I think of it. In only a few words, you learn a lot about the relationship and you certainly learn who really had the last word in that argument!

Danger, Will Robinson—Ending chapters with physical peril may be a cheap trick, but it works almost every time it’s tried. I heard Jessica Andersen reading an excerpt from her award winning Nightkeeper series at a book signing once. She very cleverly read a chapter that ended with the character's car careening out of control and plunging off a cliff. Well, you have to buy the book and keep reading then, don't you?

If you have a fight scene or a dangerous situation, use it to pull your reader forward. Save the resolution for the next chapter, not the end of this one.

L’amour—The same principle for a fight scene works for a love scene. End the chapter with a kiss of promise and your reader will keep turning pages. Don’t end with the cigarette moment or worse, having the loving couple fall asleep. Something else needs to happen to keep the momentum of the story going or the reader will turn out the light and wake up her husband!

Make it matter—Anything that raises the stakes is a hook. If the bank is about to foreclose, the sheriff shows up on the doorstep at the end of the chapter with the notice. This is especially important at the end of the crucial third chapter.

Why the third chapter? Because when an editor or agent asks for a partial, they want the first three chapters and synopsis. Hit them with a hard hook at the end of 3 and they'll have to ask for the full manuscript.

Setting end of chapter hooks is the best way to write a compulsive read. Who really needs 8 hours of sleep anyway?

Here's an example of an end of chapter hook from my new release STROKE OF GENIUS. In this scene, Crispin Hawke shooes Grace Makepeace, whom he's just met, away from the sketch he keeps covered in his studio--the one of the woman who's been plaguing his dreams for months:

Anyone viewing the sketch would never believe Miss Grace Makepeace hadn’t sat for it personally.

And in splendid nakedness.

Now it's your turn. If you're a writer, do you have a favorite end of chapter hook from your WIP? Readers, what end of chapter hooks kept you up late?

PS. I'm also blogging at Seductive Musings and at Tracy Madison's Blog today. Giveaways at both places, of course! Please pop over and say hi!